Respect or Fear?

Ask anyone (kids to adults) and I’m pretty confident all will agree that respect is important. The problem arises when you start asking what that means. So many people have a really skewed version and understanding of this.
A good example of this is the parent who feels that they do not have to use please or thank you with their children. I actually have had parents say this to me. After all they say, I’m the parent! Manners are one way we show respect to other people. In the same way a lack of manners shows disrespect.  It is the same no matter who you are showing or not showing it too..age or relationship doesn’t matter.  Respect is respect is respect!  It feeds on itself, as does dis-repsect. 
How can a parent demand respect but at the same time refuse to do the same for the ones they most care about? What exactly are they hoping to teach their children here?
These parents are not creating a respectful dynamic within their family. The are relying on the “fear of the parent” to create a feeling of power. Not the same as respect at all; and certainly not going to last.
Another area I’ve seen this confusion heightened is in teens. The really get this one wrong. They often rely on social ranking to decide who is deserving of respect. Unfortunately, fear is often used as a means to get and maintain a spot at the top of the high school food chain.
Gang members often talk strongly about making others ‘respect’ them or else. Again, they are mixing up respect and fear. Threats don’t get you respect! Forcing someone to respect you at gunpoint is not being respected; period.
The bottom line is as a society we seem to be getting a lot of confusion about this topic. You want respect? You have to do two things. First, live in a way that is worthy of being respected and second, you have to give respect to other people.

There’s that Golden Rule again!

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A bucket of respect? Well, ya!

This past weekend I gave a seminar all about core values.  I talked about the top ten values, what they meant and how to use them in your life.  I was thrilled with all the amazing discussion and sharing that was going on.  In fact, I had to make some serious adjustments to my presentation on the fly to accommodate all the extra time we spent!  It was simply awesome.

One of the topics with the most questions and discussion was around respect. 

The questions started with a pretty common one. How do I get respect from other people (like kids or co-workers)?

My answer surprised a few (I gotta say I do get a kick out of seeing those faces looking all taken aback!).  The answer I gave? “You can’t and you don’t.” 

Ok ok..I admit I KNOW what they are asking but in fact you can’t ‘get’ respect.  You earn it. It is a gift given from other people to you, because they value you.

I can explain it this way.   Imagine you have a respect bucket that you carry around with you.  This is a very special bucket because although you know it’s there; you can’t do anything with it yourself.  Every person on Earth is given this and has a bucket that is partly full of  respect.  Only other people can add to it or take it away.  All you can do is influence people through your actions.  You cannot demand that people respect you.  In fact that does the opposite.  Too many people however confuse fear with respect.  If you are kind, thoughtful and show respect to others(adding to their bucket) then hopefully they will do the same for you. 

Consider examples such as Mother Teresa.  This little slip of a woman garnered respect from people everywhere, in all levels of society, other religious leaders, governments and more.  Yet, she was never demanding of respect. No one ever heard her say ‘you must love and listen to me because look what I have done’.  She let her truth shine through her daily actions and earned respect and admiration, even from those who had none for anyone else.

The important thing here is to understand that you cannot make someone respect you.  It just doesn’t work that way.  You have to earn it.   In order to get it you have to consistently give others the same respect you desire.

Hmmm. Isnt’ this just another way the golden rule about treating others the way you want to be treated makes sense?

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Are you ready to bloom?

Like the  Rose

Imagine for a moment you have a beautiful rose bush planted in your garden. It brings you much joy every year as it blooms the loveliest of blooms and scents the air with a perfume that makes everyone who catches a whiff of it smile.

Now imagine one year your rose-bush doesn’t bloom the way is normally does. Perhaps you see only one small, scraggly bloom and the scent you usually enjoy is nowhere to be found. The leaves look tired and limp.

What do you do?

Do you perhaps find fake blooms and glue those on? Get yourself a bit of rose oil and scent the leaves? Ohh..Maybe a glade air freshener will do the trick!

No?

Of course you wouldn’t because this won’t solve the real problem and bring this gorgeous plant back to life and to it’s former glory.

You need to treat the roots, the plant itself.

This is what coaching is like. We don’t just slap a band aide on a problem. There are a ton of tools and resources out there to ‘fix’ the problem; but they are just like gluing on fake roses. They won’t work because they don’t last and they don’t really help until you have looked deeper. Coaching digs down and looks to find the roots of where the issue stems from so that real and meaningful change can take place.

If it’s time for you to start blooming again, your coaching session is waiting for you!

 

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Exposing the scam of self-help

I can’t keep quiet about this anymore.  Too many people are falling into the trap of all these ridiculous self help scams. 

What scams you ask?  The ones that tell you it is possible to change something quickly and with minimal or no effort.  I call B.S.on these!

My friends, I want  you to live fabulous lives. You know that!  This is the reason I write this blog, create my books and send out my free newsletter every month! I will support you as a coach, I will direct you to the resources you need when I can and I will cheer you on.  BUT I will not sit by quietly and allow you to think it won’t take some effort.

The world owes you nothing.  There is no free ride.  Period. 

You want a fabulous life? You feel the need to reach higher and live your dreams?  Then roll up your sleeves and be prepared to work at it. 

Don’t get me wrong I suppose there is the odd occasion where someone falls into a great situation and reaps rewards they didn’t have to toil over and earn with a little elbow grease; but even that doesn’t last long.  Think about it.  If I handed you your company already built and full of eager clients..if you don’t do the work to keep them and keep the organization running you will fail.   If I create the perfect marriage situation for you but you don’t put in some effort to maintain communication and show affection you won’t likely be happily married for long.

So yes, there are many fabulous ways to better your life, yourself and your business but you best understand right now that if someone is promising you a magic bullet/program/idea to take the work out of it they are full of crap.  You really ought to remember if it were that easy we’d all be millionaires and perfectly happy right? 

Here’s the good part.  There is a real bonus to all this work. You grow, you learn and you become what you dream of.  Taking that away from yourself would be a real crime. 

So, now you know the shocking truth.  Change and growth can be hard.  It can be exhausting. It can also be the most exciting and rewarding part of your life!

  Still want to get going?  Let’s talk about how I can help you!

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Have you got self-made barriers? I bet you do!

A barrier is a  structure or object that impedes free movement.  It can also be more intangible like an idea or a belief about yourself or something out in the world.

Have you been paying attention to your own self made barriers? 

What are the things that stop you in your tracks?  The stuff that prevents you from accepting change; moving forward and living your best life?  Things like past failures, a bad experience or event, our imaginations, lack of outside support, and fear.

I think it all boils down to your own thought process.   Truly, if you don’t believe you should or that you can–you won’t.  On the flip side having total faith in yourself means you know that you can and will, find a way to make it happen. 

If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.
~Henry Ford

Some people try to pin these on the ‘universe’ or family or even bad karma.  They take their own personal responsibility for their life out of the equation. They remove themselves from being active participants in their own life. 

The thing of it is, stuff happens.  You make mistakes, markets crash, tires go flat, snowstorms blow in and so on.  You can’t control what happens but you can control how you react to it. 

So, how do you view a barrier? 

 It is something holding you back?

Or something you need to find a way over, under, around or through in order to get to the next level in your life? 

Lessons can be learned, opportunities that otherwise would remain hidden discovered..but most of all you might just find out that you are made of some amazingly strong, creative and powerful stuff.  Which is good, because you’re gonna need it when you finally discover that next barrier and power through it.

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