Why oh Why…how I Love Thee!

Why?…heck even why not?

BEST questions ever. 

I think out of all the things we can ask either ourselves or other people is  a genuine why.  I say genuine because I don’t mean anything like the broken record whys of a child. 

Nor do I mean the half-hearted feigned interest that occasionally comes our way.

And I also don’t meant the kind of why that we don’t expect or really want an answer too. You know, the kind we cry out when something really bad happens.  That one we might ask again later but at the time is really just a release of emotions; not really a cry for information.

But think about it.  The who, what, when, where and even the how are just facts.  They might be personal or they might be important.  But nothing, NOTHING touches us so deeply as the why…the reasons behind it all.

This is where the emotional stuff lies don’t you think? 

I know if you look in past posts you’ll find me talking about people who are sleep walking through life.  I’ve done that at times but for most of my life I really was searching for more. I was ‘awake’ but didn’t understand it.  It has only been recently that I realized how much of my life I have created myself, through the choices I make and the way that I think and percieve things.

I didn’t look closely enough at the why.

Many years back, I realized I was only l happy when I lived from my own set of core values.  I knew this before I really even understood what that meant.  When I did that, I was far more peaceful, even when things didn’t work out. 

Still, it wasn’t until I caught on to the power of that little three-lettered word ‘why’ that I was able to start understanding my own motivations; my own path.

Things got infinitely better when I also stopped expecting an answer to that little word from other people and started asking it to myself. 

• why did I feel like this?
• why do I react this way?
• why do I allow that to continue?

Why.  That simple question rarely has a simple answer when applied to your own life.  But it leads to understanding and truth.  It leads to more questions that are on a much deeper, truthful level.  Oh..”why”, I do love that word even though it can cause me a great deal of initial discomfort.  Truth often does.  In fact there was something I read not long ago that made me laugh because it’s so often true.  It said “the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” 

Keep Digging!

Now, when I start feeling upset, stressed I ask myself why. Where is this coming from?  Where is the truth of what matters?  And it’s often not enough to just touch the surface.  Most of the time there is more there if we keep digging…keep asking why.  Hmm..I guess we sometimes are a little like that annoying child who keeps asking why. Still, there is merit to this. 

We have surface, easy to face reasons for doing things; but with a little more poking around we may find some surprising truths behind our first layers of why.

Why matters.  It matters a lot. I think it could very well be the most important part of many of our decisions and we don’t really spend enough time exploring it. 

How often do you really dig deep into your why?  And how often do you keep digging til the whole truth reveals itself?

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When no one and everyone is looking; Character matters

Who we are, how we act, when no one is looking is the true measure of our real character.  I think most people have heard this idea or something similar to it. 

While I totally agree with that, there is the flip side that is much more difficult handle these days it seems.

Character is also who we are and how we act when everyone is looking.

I must admit that while not following the crowd has, on occasion, made my life a little more difficult than it might have been if I just followed along, I can’t imagine how else to be. 

I can remember, one day while I was still in high school, standing at a corner waiting for a light to change.  Across the street, was a young man who clearly had some challenges mentally.  Along came three other boys who immediately started teasing and pushing him around.  I still remember how angry this made me.  With out thinking, I crossed the street and gave them crap…it wasn’t language my mother would have approved of I’m sure.  Told those boy exactly what kinds of *ahem* jerks I thought they were and something along the lines of  why don’t they crawl back under the rock they came from.  

You know, I never thought at all about what I was doing.  Okay I can admit some of this was temper lol. Later, still very ticked off, I relayed this what happened to some friends who were horrified; but not for the reason I expected.  They pointed out that those three guys could have easily turned on me.  Valid point…but would I have changed anything about what I did?  No, I just could not have stood by and done nothing. 

Then there is my Dad.  Growing up I would see my father come home early in the morning, from a 12 hour night shift and begin shovelling the snow outside our house.  He must have been exhausted, but he did it.  I can’t even count how many (probably every time it snowed) times he also cleared the walk, steps and driveway of the elderly lady across the street as well.   I don’t know if this lady knew it was my dad who did it, he never told her as far as I know.  I would see him as I got ready for school or what have you.  He would just shovel and come inside.  Never said a word about it.  He did this because he has values and character.      

This is showing who you are when no one is really looking.  Doing what’s right no matter what.

The flip side is a little different.  Human nature provides us with a ‘follow the crowd mentality’.  Truly, it’s a real thing.  This is the what we do when we all stand around in a crowd waiting for ‘someone to do something’.  

Character and values come into play here as well.  It’s really easy to see in kids who have been brought up with a strong sense of self and raised with values and character.  These traits are what prevents them from joining in bullying, from doing drugs or hurting others.  They are okay walking away from situations even when their friends call them weak or other unpleasant things.  They have faith in themselves. 

I don’t see that very often, and that is just sad, and kind of scary.

Not many people speak out because they don’t want to be the different one.  They don’t want to be seen as radical or upsetting the apple cart.  They don’t want to be wrong or left out. What ends up happening is the bully gets away with it, the BS is figured to be true (or someone would say something right?) and nothing changes.

You know what?  This has to stop.  Look around. We are too worried about fitting in, to the point we are allowing things to go on that we should not.  We seek the approval and validation of our ‘self’ from others so much, that we have forgotten whether WE approve of who we are.

This starts at home where we teach our family that when no one is looking and when everyone is looking; our character matters.  Our traits, beliefs and values matter.  Isn’t it about time we acted like it? 

When we see persons of worth, we should think of equaling them; when we see persons of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine ourselves.
~Confucius

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A perfect day

It’s been a busy month already.  I enjoy that, but still it is nice to have down day.  It got me to thinking about what a perfect day might look like.

It too would be a busy day yes? 

Oh yes.  A perfect day could be the day they discover how to make zero calorie chocolate that tastes like regular!  It would be partly spent at the beach, partly deep in the wood hiking. I’d have my pup with me and the weather would be hot, low humidity with a good breeze.  Oh..and we’d have ice-cream somewhere in there too.  And every meal would be delectable and full of my favourite things. Most importantly I would not be the one cooking or cleaning up!

Hmmm, maybe I should finish my breakfast before I write more. I’m sensing a theme 😉

You know what I noticed?  All of the stuff I’ve thought about so far is all about me.  There is nothing in there that reaches out to the rest of the world. 

Ouch.  What is that saying?

I actually lay awake last night contemplating this.  It was really bothering me.  Somewhere in there I was missing something really important.  I suppose I could reason out that the perfect day would be about indulging in all my favorite pleasures right?  But that seemed like a childish way to create a perfect day.  I want to live my life bigger than that.

So I realized at some point that my day of pure focus on me-me-me and indulgence doesn’t make sense because I get a great deal of pleasure, joy and elation when I help a person with a breakthrough.  I love knowing that I created something or caused someone else to have a better day.  My heart needs to feel that I have been compassionate and done something to assist those who cannot speak for themselves and who are vulnerable in order to be at peace with itself. I know this.  How are these things not in my perfect day?

So, the universe heard me. This morning as I sat down to write I came across this quote quite by accident.

You can’t live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you. ~John Wooden

Yes.  The universe is not always super subtle is it?  The thing is, I needed to hear that. I was correct in where I was going with this thought process.  Even a made-up, perfect day would need to fall in line with my values in order to really be perfect.

Shoot, this stuff runs deep doesn’t it?  I am always being amazed at where I discover my values making my life run its true course.

In all truth, this wasn’t what I had planned to write about today.  The realization of how important living in your truth is and how it touches every single aspect of life really made me sit up and take notice today.  When my heart and soul gets a message like this I have to share it.  It’s bigger than me and I need to let it out.

My truth.  My joy, my peace comes from right there. 

Have you experienced a deep movement like this? How did it change your life?

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More options available!

It is just a few days before Christmas and I just had a talk with someone who started off in an unusual way.  This (possible) client wanted to see what coaching was about and so set up a time for the free discovery session that I offer.  The most interesting part was they told me straight away that they didn’t think this coaching ‘crap’ would work.  Well, while I appreciate honesty, you’d think I’d be upset by that wouldn’t you? You know, on some level they think must differently or they would not have set up this appointment.  THAT was fear talking.

I introduced my practice as I usually do, which includes me asking what brings them to coaching.  Well it was a good thing I was sitting down because a flood gate opened.  Normally, I try to keep my discovery sessions to between 20-30 mins. About half the time of a normal session. 

Thankfully today I was able to extend that because I am certain that for 20 mins I just listened until they wore themselves down and could take a breath.  I know what it’s like to finally feel like someone hears me so I simply listened with an open heart and let them have the time.  So glad the holidays mean I slow everything down. It meant I had the time to offer.  And once again the universe conspired!

I, of course, will not share the details but my heart really hurt for this person. They were in a great deal of confusion, fear based reality and stress.  Yes I could help them work through this but, as with everything, the person has to be willing. 

When they finally seemed to have spent their emotional release, I asked them to stop, breathe and helped them center themselves.  I suggested they pick one issue for today that we could bring to the forefront.  It really didn’t take long for the question to come back.  “What did I think? Is it better to be with someone who makes you feel crappy over the holidays or feel lonely because you are by yourself?”  Yup, I know…there must be a deep story there right?  One they don’t seem ready to open up about.

Here’s the thing, my opinion isn’t what counts here. It’s yours.  That being said after a few minutes of my questioning, asking and trying to reflect and get more from them I heard a divine whisper this was not just about the problem, it was a trust issue between the client and I. They didn’t yet trust that I cared or that I could/would help them.

I paused for a moment.  I regrouped and asked a very important question.  “what is the third option?”  I won’t burden you with the  responses of confused ‘what?’ and ‘huh?’ However, the point got made.  We are not limited to the options we often think we are. 

Now I don’t want to sound too over the top,  but this was a wonderful moment for me as a coach. I could almost hear the swooshing sound as realization set in for this person.  We actually came up with about a half-dozen, really do-able options.  The voice I was listening too already felt much more at ease, much lighter and hopeful.  Gosh but I love what I do!

The last thing I ask after every session is for clients to tell me what important thing they are taking away from the time we spent together.  I was expecting this person to talk about the ‘third option’ or something like that.  Instead they told me, totally seriously, that they learned today that coaching isn’t really a bunch of  crap. 

I am still smiling from that.

There are two reasons I tell you this story.  First is the lessons I learned. Sometimes, the question hides more than just the answer.  And yes, there is often many more options available to us if we remember to look for them. 

The second reason is to share the happiness I felt when I was not only able to spend the time freely and compassionately, but when I hear someone able to find belief in themselves, to look for the light in the dark and to realize they are worth the effort. 

If you are regular reader you know that compassion is one of my very top values.  I realize that I could have gotten annoyed that this half hour turned into over an hour. After all, this was a free call!  Instead I am rejoicing because I was in a position to show compassion in this case and release the time to this person.  I look at is as gift I was able to give and to receive this holiday. 

This holiday look for your opportunities to practice compassion, to really take time to listen to those around you.  Look for the unplanned opportunities to be kind to others; even perfect strangers.  It really is a gift you can give yourself. 

Blessings and warm hugs this holiday time from me to you!

May you always have walls for the winds, a roof for the rain,

tea beside the fire, laughter to cheer you,

those you love near you, and all your heart might desire.

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Visual Values!

Have you heard of wordle?  An odd idea but one that is really fun. I was working on a project to do with Core Values and got myself all distracted with this fun activity.  As a person who really enjoys the visuals I created a wordle with a whole bunch of commonly used values.  Check it out below.   What a great idea for a screen saver or activity with kids.  So many things this could be useful for!

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