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Posts Tagged ‘life coach’

Lately I have been moving towards different goals. In the process I’ve been discovering more and more about my true self.  While this is very liberating and at the same time occasionally scary I have noticed something new.

I have been teetering on the brink.  The question I struggle with is the brink of what?

I can only explain in mundane words what I have been feeling but here goes.

Imagine with me for a moment.  There is an edge I can’t quite see over.  Be it a cliff or hill..whatever.  Moving closer brings with it excitement and it is also a bit scary.  When I get too close I pull back to the safety of where I was to take a breath…perhaps just a little closer than before.

I can see the edge and the blue skies beyond it but I don’t know what it holds.

I know, somewhere deep in my soul that I need to walk over to the edge and leap.  I know it.  But fear is a tricky thing isn’t it?

What will I find?  I am not sure but I believe I am becoming me, but even more so.  Does that make sense?  Ha!  Sometimes it doesn’t quite make sense to me.

I am reminded of my good friend Deone’s post comparing his journey to the butterfly.  I actually haven’t thought of that post for a while.  For some reason THAT was the post that showed up when I came to my blog this day.  A little whisper from the universe to move me along?  Perhaps that is what is happening?  Perhaps I am ready to transform, to leave or maybe build a cocoon and grow my wings.

It’s funny.  Not long ago I would have said I already did that.  That certain things which happened taught me so much about my own power, my own light and my place in this world.

I honestly  used to wonder what people did when they got it figured out.   Seriously. I thought…once you learn how to meditate or be calm what do you do then? 

Well, I can tell you that with every pair of wings you have grown; with every sky you have learned to soar in there is more.  There is so much more.  You can’t always see what is above until you can rise up. 

There is a story about how when you are on a train and it goes into a tunnel and gets dark you don’t jump off.  Instead you know to trust the driver to get you through the tunnel and back into the light. 

My friends…you drive your own train.  You can’t help but come across a tunnel once in a while.  Trust in your ability to find the light at the other end.  Some tunnels are longer than others but they all lead somewhere.  On the other side…the light might just be a little brighter.  You’re light might be a little brighter.  Things might just fit more perfectly then they ever have before.

Sooner or later I’m going to take the leap over that edge.   I can see the glimmer of light from the end of the tunnel I’ve been travelling in.  I know I will get there.   You’ll see.  I hope you find your next level of growth just as exciting and scary and that you too find the perfect time to go take a look at what you can become when you trust.

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I learned very early in my life that things aren’t always fair.

Recently I have had to face a hidden part of my self, and it wasn’t pretty.  What I discovered was a new level of honest and raw emotions. 

To be honest, I’m in a weird sort of way quite impressed with how well I’ve ignored and/or covered up these feelings and got on with life.

But  no more.

The pain, the emotions are out and they are staying out and they are going to change.

There has been a lot of people in my life who have, by actions (or lack there of) and by words shoved the idea that I was not really worthy of their time and affection.  I could earn some of it by doing for them, or giving to them but I, by myself wasn’t really making the cut.  So I became a giver of myself and in process gave away so much I ended up empty and lost.

I don’t believe for one minute that any of these people meant to teach that to a child and then re-enforce it over and over as an adult.  I think, for the most part it was a double-edged sword.  Maybe even triple edged…is there a triple edged sword? 

My family repeated what they had learned.  I don’t understand how they can not see the hurt, but they simply cannot and will not.  I have had to learn to let that go.  I have to hand that back to those people and let them own it until the day they are ready to deal with it themselves.

As I got older, I repeated this learned patttern on my own.  I gave and did for others and didn’t value my Self.  This included my time, money and love.  And if I didn’t value it I was only going to attract those who also didn’t.  Not bad or mean people…but people who were going to help me repeat this pattern over and over of not getting what I need.  And at one point I was really in need emotionally and physically and ended up pretty much alone.  You want to talk about painful?  Yup..that really hurt and it still kind of does. 

In the past, I would change myself, adapt who I was and what I wanted in order to keep the peace. I’d hurt, but never show it.  I wasn’t even sure who I was anymore.

What I’ve learned is I’ve repeated these relationship dynamics over and over again.  They hurt deeply, but it is what felt normal to me.  I just simply made excuses and shoved my own needs down figuring I can just deal with it myself.  As I mentioned … sometimes you can’t.

I wanted to change this.  I started to see that it didn’t have to be this way.  I wanted OUT of this pattern.

Sadly, it meant inflicting more pain on myself in order to break free.  This is not an easy thing to do.  It can be lonely and scary and well…leave you wondering if it’s worth it.  This is really tough when your boundaries have to change with your family.  People don’t like change, they get uncomfortable with you making changes especially when it affects the relationship.  I had to, at one point step, back and decide to let them initiate contact and do some follow-up on the relationship.  The lack of interest was heartbreaking for me. 

The one big lesson I’ve learned is it’s far more painful to be lonely when you are with someone, then it is to be lonely when you are by yourself.  I rather like myself and so don’t really feel sad at being alone.

I am learning my worth every day.  I have found some kindred spirits who do value my spirit.  It has taken a lot of time, tears and many, many lessons along the way.  It seemed like each time I reach a new understanding, it opens up a wound that must be bathed in tears in order to begin to heal.

I find though that each day I am more ‘me’.  I know more about what I need, what I want and I’m not shy about it anymore.  I still enjoy being a giver, but only so far as I am happy doing so. I won’t wreck  my health or life to make someone care for me because that isn’t real anyway

I wanted to share this because I have also discovered that many people travel the same path and never understand that it can be different. It is possible and it is better.  It was during this journey (and I say during because it’s never-ending I think) that I was lead to coaching.  My life journey is taking me places I would never have suspected once I started living it in an authentic way.

Do you have trouble with boundaries and repeating the same types of relationship dynamics?

We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal of that which others have made of us.
Jean-Paul Sartre

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Avoidance.

I mentioned this as a coping skill in my last post “Fooled or Foolish” and I’ve since had the question about what I meant by that.

When I started getting a little better and could be awake for more than an hour at a time, I had to start to deal with all the stuff I ‘missed’.  You see, I was pretty much on my own for this *ahem* adventure in car accidents. 

I didn’t do very well. Or maybe I did.  Either way I did the best I could and that I suppose, is all anyone could ask of themselves.

And when I got a lot better, where I could actually remember what I did the day before, I started to also realize a lot of things had changed.  Myself included and I struggled with that.  I wanted ME back, I wanted my happier life back; I didn’t want to deal all the stuff that had piled up and I fought those changes and problems with avoidance.

I simply refused to deal with it until I what ever issue it was got so big I was forced to do something. 

Looking back I realize that at the time this was a coping skill.  I wasn’t able to deal with literally everything in my life turning upside down and on its head, as well as the emotional upheaval and the pain and rehab…ugh!  It’s not all over with yet either.  I just deal with it much better (most days).

Avoidance is a coping skill.  However, I found out that all that stuff just grows bigger while you’re pretending it’s not there. Now, I really did need to learn to put things aside so I could heal and I have to deal with that. 

However, it’s not a great way to cope over the long haul.  Avoiding life is fine for an afternoon where you have  a migraine that makes you want to hide in bed and just try to survive it.  It’s not a great way to live your life.  And  many do everyday and not because of an accident; they are simply stuck in a terrible cycle.  It causes a great deal of stress and upset, and it doesn’t have to be this way.

Perhaps this is a good thing to have gone through because as a Mindset Coach I can recognize it quite clearly.  I also can relate and understand how much emotion is behind using avoidance.  I also know first hand what it takes to fix it and get through it.

What I want you to know is this.  It doesn’t go away. You can avoid it only so long and you will have to deal with it.  It is much easier to deal with things one at a time as they happen then it is to have everything build up and come crashing down on you all at once. 

Facing up to life, getting things under control takes time, effort and courage.  I ended up having someone totally unexpected come around to help keep me from falling off the edge.  We need support and sometimes even ideas on what to do next when we are overwhelmed.  Boy do I get that.

So, what can I help you with?

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Okay, I can admit it. I am a dreamer, I sometimes seem to hold unrealistic optimism and a yes, I am deeply emotional romantic. 

The short story is I don’t always play well with others versions of reality.

What’s this all about?

I believe in my deepest heart of hearts that we have the capacity, as people, to be so much more; to DO so much better than we are doing right now.

I struggle with this when I see the horrid things people do.  I can’t understand why people would hurt someone just to get ahead a little.  I don’t…it really boggles my mind and to be honest, I am often stunned that others aren’t as in awe (and not in a good way) at what is going on around us. 

But still, that belief persists.  It’s hard for me to let it out because I am often afraid of the judgements that might come.  BUT I’ve discovered something.

It doesn’t matter.

I am who I am whether anyone knows it or not. 

I see so much more for people than they can often see for themselves and I realize that my desire to make the world open up to their own ability to love and be loved is what drives me every single day to do what I do.  You can’t imagine the freakin excitement I get from seeing eyes open to possibilities…to the joys of people freeing themselves.

This is who I am, what I do and my joy comes from here.  It might seem strange to you and to many other people but I’ve never exactly been worried about fitting in with the usual way of thinking.  So, I am aware and pleased with who I have become, and who I am becoming. 

I know I can’t change the entire world.  But if I help change a few, the ripple effect will eventually reach more and more.  THIS is why I coach, THIS is why I write this blog and my books and THIS is why I have begun overcoming my own fear and have begun to speak to groups.

Most importantly I want YOU to know…you are loved.  You are capable of amazing things; big and small.   I have been witness to awakenings that have made so much difference in lives; including my own.   Learning to accept and love who you are is the most important gift you will ever be given in this life.   It is a gift you and you alone can give to yourself.

So yes, I will continue to sometimes enjoy doing silly things, I will sing out loud in a grocery store, I will laugh until I have tears and I will cry until I have no more. 

I will keep on allowing my heart to get broken because I care deeply. And I know it will also burst with happiness and fill with love; also because I care deeply.  

I will find joy in seeing you succeed and I will always see and want more for you.  Everytime someone finds love or acts with a compassionate heart the world..everyone’s world…is a much better place.

I am forever grateful for all the blessings in my life and for my own gifts of just being ME.

 I am a dreamer, I believe in possibilities.  I am making them happen.  I want to invite you along for the ride.

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In my role as a Life Coach I get to explore many different types of road blocks with people.  I walk with them, support and encourage these folks as they decide to push through and begin to live on the other side of their road blocks. 

One thing I have come across again and again is a reluctance to ask for help or support.  It’s also one of the biggest things people say they love about being coached!  The genuine support and nurturing that arises from it.

What’s the deal with that? 

What I’ve noticed is that some people have been missing out on being given nurturing and support for so long that they don’t even really realize that they need it.  Are you one of these people?  I have been in the past.  It’s true!  In fact asking for help is one of the things I’m still working on.

Why is it so hard?  Well asking for support might do a few things for us.  First…we might actually get it.  Having someone be supportive, encouraging and loving can feel very intimate and thus make us feel vulnerable.  We open ourselves up to the other person in order to receive that support.  For someone who has been hurt and disappointed over and over that is a very scary thought.

We may have people who are in our lives who will disappoint us. No doubt it is true.  Some folks might be unwilling and some simply might not be able.  Let’s face it we attract that which we think most about and if we think we are not worthy of this kind of love then what kind of people do you think we are attracting into our lives?  

That being said I truly believe that we also do have people who are willing and able to give us what we need if they only knew what it was and that we were willing to accept it.  The only way to do that is to let others know what we need.  Of course that takes a great deal of courage and self-awareness doesn’t it? We first must take the time to understand what our needs are. This is not selfish; do not let anyone tell that it is!  You deserve to have your needs met just as anyone else does.  It makes you better, happier and more able to help and support others. 

One other big problem is we have to release some things for this to work.  We have to release our martyr or victim vision of ourselves.  I know it’s an easy pattern to fall into.  We have to let go of the plan to set ourselves up for hurt and disappointment.  Honestly, the whole “I’m so hard done by” attitude serves no one; least of all yourself.  I know things may have been difficult in the past but you really need to let go of that.  You may have been hurt, or your needs completely ignored before but allowing that to color all of today’s and the future’s blessings only blinds you to the love that is coming to you. 

Start by letting go of those past hurts.  Holding on to them only serves to allow them to affect you over and over.  Begin by being your own best advocate.  Understand that strong, wise and loving people sometimes need to ask for another to be a source of strength for them for a while.  There is nothing wrong with that.  We all need to feel loved and nurtured some times. 

Still feeling that energy blocked?  Start small.  Take a little need, a small act and reach out around that.  What do you need today?  It can be just as simple as a hug and a good morning.  Perhaps someone to read over your book, or maybe you need referrals in your business.  Ask!  Keep on asking until you get what you need.  You may be very, pleasantly surprised at who comes to stand with you.

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A sunshiny blogger

A  few days ago I was checking out my facebook and got a message that I had been given a lovely honor by the super fabulous Samantha Bangayan.

This prize is awarded to “bloggers whose positivity and creativity inspire others in the blogosphere.”  

As an award winner, I have two responsibilities:

  • I need to pass the award on to 10 other inspirational bloggers and let them know.
  • I also need to answer the questions below.
Ten More Thoroughly Inspirational Bloggers You Should Check Out
  1. Deeone Higgs at Releasing Me Today. You want to be inspired? This is it. His butterfly series had my in joyful tears!
  2. Roberta Budvietas at Get out of Stuck  Roberta hits on important issues around why we sometimes get stuck.
  3. Suzanne Evans at SuzanneEvans.org.   Suzanne is a take and give no BS kinda woman and I love her style and her inspirational blog.
  4. Jeremy  Brown at Social2Cents. I just recently discovered Jeremy and really enjoy his blog about unleashing your full potential
  5. Tambre Leighn at Coaching by Tambre — I look up to Tambre both as a coach and as someone you can rely on for inspiration.
  6. Lynn Baldwin-Rhoades (and Friends) at Power Chicks International  A group who are here to champion women business owners with advice and networking. The blog really rocks that message.
  7. Veronica Campos-Hallstrom at Club Creative Studio. Amazing designs are often accompanied by though provoking blog posts. A win for the eyes and mind!
  8. Martha Giffen at MarthaGiffen.com. Looking for inspiration around how to do social media right? Fun and wonderful tips I love reading her blog.
  9. Dabney Porte at DivaDabney.com  Inspiring, fun and moving all that same time.  Lots of warmth and really authentic joy written into each comment/tweet or blog.
  10. Oprah on Oprah’s Life Class.  In fact, I had at first wanted to include some guests but realized the key was to follow the classes! I thank my friend Deeone for getting me hooked.  I get fired up, inspired and lighter after watching these. 
 
Random Facts About This Sunshiny Blogger
 
  1. Favorite color?  Hmm. I really dislike this question because it really depends on what exactly we are coloring.  I suppose the color green would have to be the one that wins out overall.  Although RED for a car is a must have. lol
  2. Favorite animal?  Domesticated?  Ohh..toss up between a cat or dog.  Cats are so clever and full of personality, but dogs like to go outside and have a great sense of humor.  Outside the home I have always had a thing for the elephant. 
  3. Favorite number?  13.  Has been lucky for me since I was a kid.  I didn’t even know it was ‘unlucky’ until I was much older and I decided that these rumors did not apply to me lol
  4. Favorite drink?  Coffee. No question about it.
  5. Facebook or Twitter? OH..this is tough because they are really two different beasts.  If I had to choose I’d probably choose twitter.  I like that people actually try harder to connect there in a meaningful way.
  6. Your passion? I suppose you don’t mean getting more coffee right?  I have two BIG passions.  One is my business Rivendell. I am loving that I can help people and loving all that I am learning along the way.  The other is the humane treatment of animals.
  7. Giving or getting presents? Giving. I really enjoy when I can find something that is meaningful for a gift.  I’m still working on being able to accept a gift without feeling obligated to return the favor. Speaking of giving..shameless plug here for some special offers I have right now!
  8. Favorite day? I don’t know that I really have one specific day.  I enjoy holidays where I can spend time with the people I care about deeply.
  9. Favorite flowers?  Gerberas are one of my absolute favorites.  Although I once planted large area of my yard with a mixture of wildflower seeds and it was incredible.  

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Isn’t it fascinating how the universe can conspire to help you learn the lesson that life had been trying to teach you for a very long time?  I suppose it helps that I am far more ready to hear the lesson today than I ever have been before.

I’ll admit it.  I’ve been struggling with a few issues of my own the last while. Are you surprised?  Ha! The coach has a coach?  Darn right I do.  Fact is we often can’t see our own forests for the trees and any good Coach knows that. I bet almost every good coach has their own Coach and loves every second of it!

The thing is I’ve had to come to grips with and let go of a few things and that has been terribly difficult for me.  It’s a case of what I want to be and what really is.  A situation not easy to remedy especially for someone who isn’t very good at being vulnerable.  I’m learning that there is a strength that can be found in allowing vulnerability; one that you can’t access any other way and it’s powerful.

Recently, I’ve had a long conversation with my own coach about feeling judged for following my path because it is different.  I hate that feeling and I struggle with it when it comes to some of the people I love most.  I’ve felt shamed and made to feel as if I’m doing something not quite right.  Most recently I’ve had a few occasions to see that others struggle with their journey when it takes them away from what is considered the ‘way to do things’. 

Just today I read a post by my friend Deeone that inspired me to write this very post.  Deeone gently but firmly took that lesson and pushed though some barriers for me with his own story and truth. 

His struggles and mine are not so far apart.  Can I be really open here? I had some tears.  Relief, understanding and hope all mixed together in a very overwhelming  way.  You have to go read his post.  Not only is it incredibly beautiful with its analogy to an emerging butterfly but also a piece of gorgeous writing.   Go on, I’ll wait here.  I’ve already read it over 3-4 times myself.  At this point the title alone brings a rush of emotion!

As I said, coming to grips with the need to follow the path I’m on and those close to me having difficulty understanding and accepting who I am, has and is, a struggle.  What I’ve learned from others and from a lot of deep and painful introspective reflection is this:  some people are comfortable and do not like to have their comfort level challenged, even when they are not happy with where they are.  They certainly do not like having to face any issues they have ignored because someone else is showing signs of being self-aware, honest and willing to grow. 

Many people are content with simply repeating what has gone before no matter if they are happy or not.  I think they feel it’s easier to do so.  And to keep myself honest I have to admit on occasion I envy those who don’t look beyond their front door.  I wonder if sometimes following the norm wouldn’t be simpler.  Maybe,  but it’s not for me. 

I have always been a little different that way I think.  Strong minded, questioning and able to do what I knew I had to do (okay some might say stubborn but hey, this is my damn blog!).  That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when that isn’t accepted by those you most want acceptance from. 

What do you do?   Well, you can only change you and your own responses.  As much as I might want to make someone see that there is so much more; I cannot.  I might want to open eyes that refuse to see, but again..that isn’t my place.  Perhaps one day, but not today.  I can only love them for who they are today and hope that someday they can see who I really am and be happy for that. 

That being said I certainly don’t have to let the “Yuck Spirits” (thanks Deeone for that term!) keep me from loving who I am; from finding my purpose and pursuing it with all the passion and joy I can find.  I am learning to hold both things in my heart and life and it is bringing a sense of peace I’ve not really known before.

This is a lesson that has been a long time coming, a difficult time accepting and I’m sure I will falter from time to time.  What a blessing and joy for my lonely heart though to know others have experienced the same, grown and thrived.  How grateful I am to have found the people in my life who ground me, accept and love my spirit for what it is.   I credit a number of people for supporting this lesson.  As my friend Deeone says it’s time for me to be “Releasing Me Today“.

And every single day I am grateful that they are there.

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