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Posts Tagged ‘Living better’

Simply put, the key to happiness is to stop looking for the freaking key to happiness.

The fact is, the doors have never been locked up in the first place.  There is nothing to wait for.  You can open the doors to that sort of life anytime you choose.

Maybe you have lofty goal and plans.  So do I.  Trust me, if you could see the vision of my life that is taking shape right now, I know  a lot of you would wonder at my sense of reality and sanity.

That’s okay.  I get it. I’m dreaming really big these days and not everyone is ready for that.  I think I’ll just let them wonder until they see me taking strides and steps and moving closer and closer.  After all, showing is far more believable than telling right?

Still, I’m really happy today too.  I’m not going to sit around waiting on something to ‘let’ me be happy.  Or for some magical goal to get crossed off, or threshold to be crossed or please…certainly not for the proverbial knight in shining armor to come ’round and save the day.

Seriously.  Why wait?  There really isn’t anything you need to wait for!  I’ve discovered that happiness isn’t a destination anyway.  It’s not something you can go out and get.  And you can never use it all up.

There is only one thing you have to do to find your own happiness.  Choose it.

Allow yourself to decide that you are already happy.  Be grateful for all the blessings you have in your life and love your people right here today.

It’s always been within you, waiting for you to let it loose and choose to jump in with both feet.

happyIf you want to be happy, then be happy.

Start by smiling.  Too many of us don’t smile because we wonder what others will think.  You know what they will think?  Wow, she’s such a happy person.  And then they will wonder how they to can be happy just like you; and maybe, just maybe they will start smiling too.

Then look what you did.  You are a carrier of the happiness virus and you are spreading it all over the freakin place.

I’m not sure when humanity got everything so bloody mixed up.  We all say we want to feel happy and joy and love.  Yet, we hesitate, we worry about reactions and we push down those feelings so they don’t get out of hand.  That makes no sense.  We celebrate and admire those who are postitive people that make life joyous, yet we are hesitant to allow ourselves to do the same.

Don’t you find it weird we all seem to think that negative emotions like sadness, anger and frustrations are okay to be talked about and seem to be more socially accepted?  And a lot of the time we feel the need to keep our happiness and joyful feelings ‘under control’ or dampened?  Like we don’t want to bother anyone with them?

Okay so it’s your turn.  I’d love to hear your take on why that is in the comments below.

 

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Life and love…they are messy!  And that is one of the things that makes them so amazingly beautiful and so frustratingly difficult.

You know what else I know?  Far too often we are killing ourselves with stress over things that don’t really matter and are already good enough.

I had to learn the hard way that sometimes ‘good enough’ is perfectly good.

Early on I got taught this lesson by my first true love – my boy Jackson.  He was a golden retriever who I was blessed with when he was 12 weeks old and I am still so grateful for all the lessons he taught me in his far too short life.   Honestly, he must have been the easiest puppy to raise ever (as I later learned with my next boy lol). He was completely house trained by 4 months old without any problems at all.  Nice right? 

Real love is perfect!

I was used to a certain routine in the morning before I ever brought a puppy into my house.  I used to not leave the house without my hair done and at least a bit of mascara and lip gloss.  Clothes were ironed and fur-free.  Heels..loved ’em!  I thought I needed to look like I had it together you know?

Enter a puppy who needs to go outside to pee at 4am.  Or even the same puppy at 7am on a Saturday.  You see where I’m going right? 

I started to have clothes for dog walking and re-kindled my love affair with hats and rainboots.  There was no time to prep and primp to walk a puppy.  He couldn’t wait around and I had to adjust.  Totally worth it and you know what? I learned to relax about appearances.  The neighbours I saw could have cared less how I looked; I mean, have you SEEN a golden puppy?  And let me tell you with all sorts of unbiased opinion that Jackson was the cutest of the cute!

Later on, I had my next big lesson around letting go of worrying about things being perfect.  After my car accident, my injuries made day-to-day life pretty difficult.  I couldn’t do many things and certainly not up to my usual standards.  And when I say couldn’t, I mean could not physically or mentally – not just that it was hard. 

So I either learned to adapt or I spent my life miserable. 

A great example to explain this  is around food.  I mean, I had to eat.  Big full meals were not in my scope at all.  Good enough meant throwing vegetables into the crock pot for soup and letting the crock pot do the work.  I might have soup to eat for 2 or 3 days but it was healthy and manageable.  Back in the day I’d have to make dinner rolls or fresh bread and salad too.  Maybe even fancy up the soup.  That wasn’t going to happen at that time.  Heck…some days making a bowl of cereal was all I could manage and ended up being ‘good enough’ for that day.

Good enough became what I strove for.  Fabulous, wonderful and certainly perfection were not in my mind at all anymore.  I wasn’t trying to impress anyone, I was simply trying not to lose my sense of being enough and to be able to keep getting better instead of getting stuck.

Good enough also meant I let others do things to help, even though they may not do it my way.  For example, my boyfriend may have done a load of laundry for me and I learned that it was good enough that I had clean clothes, even if they weren’t folded the way I prefer…or at all lol.

Good enough also works into being grateful for what we already have.  I think we get so caught up these days in having the latest, greatest, biggest or smallest thing that we forget that what we already have is pretty great.  The day I realized that I not only found a great deal of peace within, but stepped out of that race.  My iPhone is old sure, but it works just fine and I see no reason to spend hundreds of dollars for a newer one.  Drives my techie friends crazy!  I simply tell them that if it doesn’t serve a purpose or create beauty I have no useyou-are-good-enough for it in my life. 

We also need to stop beating ourselves up when we don’t achieve what we want right out of the box.  Life is about attempting, growing and learning. It’s not about only ever being perfect or making people think you are.  You are more than good enough right now and right here.  Your failures are attempts and for this moment that is also good enough.  You learn from new experiences even when they are not what you expected and that is fabulously good enough.

I think we need to let go of wasting so much energy on perfection and embrace good enough for some things.  Life doesn’t care about perfection after all.  Life isn’t perfect.  But when you let go of the need to make it so, you learn that it is actually pretty freakin beautiful in all its messy wonderfulness. 

Think about it…good enough by its own definition is (shockingly) good enough!

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I’m tired of all the rhetoric spouting a bunch of crap that your Fears aren’t real.  Hey, they are just in your mind so no biggie right? 

My rather sarcastic nature would like to say to these people “oh!  Well then, suddenly I’m perfectly fine – just wish you had mentioned that one years ago” 

I get it, they are trying to calm you and motivate you to get going on whatever it is you are holding back from.  Sometimes, sure, we just need to take a deep breath and go for it. For me that’s all I need when getting on stage to talk.  Few calming breaths and just jump in.  If I think about it too long I’ll probably run screaming lol.  But it’s taken a lot of work on my inner critic to learn to shut her up long enough to get going. 

Here’s the thing.  IT DOESN”T ALWAYS WORK THAT WAY. My fears are real, I have just learned to deal with that one with some tricks and self talk. 

Next time someone with their head in the clouds tells you that your fears and anxiety aren’t real just smile and carry on because you know they most certainly are. 

Fear is real.  (yup that’s a PERIOD)  They range in how much power they have over us and how well we deal with them.

Still, you can’t touch them or throw them out with the garbage.  They are yours and they are real.  Real emotions, real thoughts and real physical manifestations of those first two on occasion.  To simply say ‘they aren’t real, so just get going’ isn’t fair or helpful. 

product-of-thoughtsWhat is helpful is giving you all the permission you need to feel it and name it and know you are not only sane, but normal.  That is the first step is dealing with fear and keeping it from holding you back from creating a fabulous life.

Feel it, Name it.

Our emotions can be very powerful and fear or anxiety would certainly be high on the list of most powerful.  To discount that is foolish and if you haven’t noticed, kind of pisses me off. (pardon the language).  It is okay to feel fear.  However, it’s not in your best interest to allow it to be the ruling emotion in your life. 

After my head and neck injury in a car accident I had real anxiety and fear.  The kind that make you crumple into a corner and refuse to move.  To tell me that it isn’t ‘real’ or ‘just’ emotion is just stupid and hurtful.  It certainly didn’t help get me out the door.  I bless those who were kind and accepting of what was happening and supported me.  There were those who instead made me feel like something was ‘wrong’ with me and ‘god why can’t you just get over it?’  Without support, I honestly thought I needed to be committed as I must have lost my mind.

Feel it, name it.  Then you can devise a plan to deal with it.  Facing my own anxiety was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Even with support and with taking tiny, itty-bitty steps.  I logically knew what I had to do, even before I had the accident, but I struggled hard until I had some support.  Hey, we all need a hand up and out of the dark sometimes.  Occasionally we need to find that light in someone else to help us see our own again. 

You do need to DO something if you want to move forward towards goals or even just living life fully.  But be gentle with yourself, and don’t let anyone tell you that these aren’t real. They are.  BUT that also means they can be overcome and dealt with. 

First, know that it’s okay to feel what you feel.  Give a true name and look at it.  I promise a peek won’t hurt too much and can alleviate a lot of stress around it.  Even though your heart might feel like it’s going to beat so hard as to fly out of your chest it won’t. Deep calming breaths – on step at a time.  Writing really  helps with this.  Ask yourself what can you do and try not to focus solely on what you are struggling to do. 

Sitting still and allowing your fears to control you isn’t a good option.  You can learn to deal with them, put them in their place, change your thought patterns and get to be who you want to be and where  you want to be.  The choice is yours of course. 

Your fears may be real, but they aren’t bigger than you.  Ask for some help if you need it, but remember…you got this.

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As I’m sure you’ve heard Conrad Bain; the actor who played the father on the TV series Different Strokes has passed.  Although I bless him the next part of his journey and I bless his family who must be missing him terribly that isn’t what this post is about.

I’ve been hearing the theme song for the TV show all over the place.  It’s quite catchy (check it out here if you dont’ know it)

So the main idea is that “it takes different strokes to move the world” or in other words everybody has different likes/dislikes and needs.  The gist of the message is that this is a wonderful thing.

So far I love it.  Heck I loved it when I was a kid.

But, it got me thinking.  Sure we all have differences and that is what makes life so interesting if you’re not so pig-headed or mired in your own life to see it. At the same time, we also haveLearningTogether a lot of sameness. (is that a word? Well, it is now! )

I mean sure  we all have to eat, sleep and poop, but it does go way deeper than physical need.  We all have ‘sameness’ in our emotional ones too.

The easy to see ones of course are we all need love.  But just as important and so rarely spoken of – we need a few other things too. 

  • We need to feel heard
  • We need physical and emotional connection
  • We all need to feel like we matter
  • We need to feel secure

How often are we ensuring our children understand what this means?  How often do we check in with our selves to ensure our needs are being met around these things? How often are we taking the time to make sure our own loved ones feel heard, secure and connected?

More importantly – What are we doing if they are not?

Too often we ignore it.  Cover it up with excuses and “maybe laters” or “next time”.  We can’t keep doing this.  The time is now.

The conversations need to happen.  The biggest things  I hear over and OVER again is that when talking to me as a coach people are so grateful (to tears) that they finally feel like they are being heard and validated rather than judged.

Dear friends….listen to this.  We are all living in a world where we our basic needs are not being met far too often.  How to fix it?  Start by understanding what you need and asking for it.  Also, don’t forget that everyone around you has these needs too.  Learn to listen deeply, accept with out judgement and offer the connections you want as well.

I see so many lost souls wandering and crying out for what is so close and yet so far.  Let’s start by learning to love our ‘self’ first, then offering the same love to the world.

Blessings,

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I read a quote today on Facebook that included the comment  “and never let ’em see you cry”.  What’s with that crap?myrant

Yes, this is going to be a bit of a rant.  Bear with me lovelies.

For most of my life I held it in.  People hurt me deeply and I did everything in my power to hide it.  I let them carry on thinking all was just fine.  Sometimes it was fear of being vulnerable, sometimes I didn’t want to make others uncomfortable but mostly I thought I would appear weak.  My thoughts? “Screw them. They will never see me cry!”

So, but refusing to share or be truthful, I thought I was strong.  I was fooling myself.

It’s not strong to hide your emotions, it’s really not.  Burying them deep down causes some real problems for your  health too but I’m not even going to go there.  The mental and emotional issues are enough for one post I think.

Problem number one with this crap of never let them see you cry.  Crying is a natural and healthy reaction.  It means you have feelings and that is a good thing.  When you hurt you need to feel it in order to move through and past it.  I’m not saying you have to shed tears, but forcing yourself to NOT feel them when you need to is foolish. 

Tears can be sign that you have been strong for long enough, that you need to heal. 

Problem number two may be a surprise for some.  What I discovered it you can’t just shut off ONE emotion.  All others are affected too.  At the least, joy is diminished, love is dampened or even withheld and that sucks.   What’s the point of this life if you aren’t going to experience it?? 

Life has pain and sorrow and it has joys beyond measure.  You can’t have one without allowing the other.  Shut them off and you are not living – you are simply surviving.

So cut it out with this nonsense.  Let your emotions happen and bless them.  If you hurt and feel tears – let them come.   If you are joyful and feel tears – let them come.  You should never excuse being a human who participates fully in life. 

If you find that it makes others uncomfortable, that isn’t your stuff.  That is their stuff.  Perhaps you may even help them find permission to feel more deeply themselves, or perhaps they will simply feel awkward.  Let them.  They  have their own story to write.

I am not a person who easily cries…never really have been.  Which brings me to problem number three.  Not being honest with myself or others.  If I am feeling tears and I stamp them down along with the emotions that brought the tears in the first place, I am hiding from myself.  I am telling my self that I am not allowed to be me and my truth is not valuable.   Oh hell no!  You and I both know that we are worthy of our own truth!

You also are not being honest with those around you.  If you act like what is happening is no big deal, guess what?  They will continue to do whatever is upsetting you, hurting you or causing those tears.  Even joyous tears that are not allowed can be dishonest.  Those around you get to thinking you don’t ‘feel’ it and might think you don’t really care.  Not great for your relationships.

Why are we so afraid to show our hearts these days?

My tears, my joys and my hurts are MINE to express however I need to.  If that means tears or dancing in the aisle, this is what I will be doing.  So I’m changing those old lyrics from “it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to…” into “It’s my life and I’ll cry if I want to..”

So I say, let ’em see you cry but keep your head held high.  Stand proudly in those emotions whatever they are.  I ask you to never EVER apologise for being you. 

You are far to wonderful to allow yourself to be diminished like that.

Okay…rant over.  ((hugs)) all around! 

Blessings and love to you all!

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I hear a lot of new clients or friends who get upset when I talk about being in control of your own life.  Like, really upset.

In fact, one person very recently called me out on it pretty harshly.  I’m okay with that.  I’ve found the blessing in this. When someone calls you out on your beliefs it can cause you to really look deeply at them and in this case bring about a strengthening of them and a deeper understanding.

The problem is one I totally get …because they are right.  Completely right.  You see, they were upset because I said that people create their life with their actions and thoughts.  This person slammed down the point that life happens and we can’t control what others do to us and around us.  “Look all the people who lost their houses, jobs and had their life crumble” He said.  “You’re blaming THEM?” 

Ouch. He was angry at me with righteous indignation on his part with the understanding that he had.  I kind of admired him for that actually.  A real stand-up guy if you think about it.

However, there was a part of this idea that he was missing

While he was totally right – we can’t often control the experiences we have in life.  We might lose our job and income through no fault of our own.  Accidents happen (tell me about it!) that can destroy our life as we know it, and so on.  However, we can control how we experience those circumstances.  We ultimately choose our reactions.  Oh sure sometimes we have immediate reactions that are based more on baser emotions, but we can calm ourselves or feed that fire.

I know people who allow petty annoyances to create a huge amount of chaos in their life.  I also know people who have had great tragedy befall them who have chosen to create something positive out of it. 

You can choose to let life happen TO you, or you can take the controls and begin to create a life that reflects who you are and who you want to be.

So let me be clear here.  You may not be able to control WHAT experiences you have in life – but you can control HOW you experience them. 

In this coming New Year I want you to consider that. This is a fresh year that can allow us a perfect time to begin to make shifts to bring about a happier, more vibrant life.  Will you join me in taking the controls back in your life?  I think it’s time we all understand we are responsible for our own happiness and quite capable of creating it.

 

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So, you’ve decided you have had just about enough of people trying to care about you and help you do what ever it is you have always wanted to do in life.  Good for you!

These tips can be used for just about any relationship’s destruction.  From a spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend, friend, co-worker, any relationship in the family of origin and more!

Hard to believe you’ve put up with people like that, all concerned and supportive, for so long.

So how to make sure you truly and completely ruin all these relationships?  It’s tricky, but I have some tips for you.  I hope you find all the superficial and empty relationships you ever wanted after you destroy the warm and  fuzziest – or better yet enjoy the emptiness of your own home.  Good luck to you!

Here you go!

1. Don’t call them EVER.  Make them call you each and every time.  Make ’em work for right?  After all you’re far to busy, important and …um…well busy to be thinking of reaching out to others.  Hey, they might think you care about them too! Can’t have that now can we.

2. The ONE exception to Rule #1 is only call if you WANT something.  Make sure you let them know what you need, and if at all possible make them feel guilty or pity. That way you’ll get what you want and no one will bug you about it.

3. NEVER repay a favour or kindness.  Like ever.  If they ask for a favour blow them off with some lame excuse.  The best kind of excuse is one where every one really knows it is either not true or can easily be put off or something.   It’s best if the other person feels let down.  Better yet if they feel down right rejected!

4. To go along with #3 be sure to never notice if a friend needs a hand or help.  Gloss over it or better yet, tell them why you have it so much worse.  If they are hinting – ignore it.  Force them to have to ask you (beg) for assistance. Then it is so much more delicious when you get to turn them down.

5. Talk about them behind their back.  Do not keep anything sacred or confidential. After all, people need to know you KNOW stuff right? Plus it makes them look bad or foolish or whatever and that makes you so much better doesn’t it?

6. No matter how clear their boundaries are keep pushing them.  Ignore or dismiss what they tell you any time you get a chance. 

7. Respect?  Demand it but don’t ever give it. Period.  People need to earn your respect after all.

8. Insist on having it your way, all the time.  At the very least, sulk if you get outvoted.  No matter what, you need to make sure everyone knows you don’t like what’s happening.  Complain and be negative as much as you can.  Insist it isn’t your fault – it’s just the truth.

9. Be critical of everything.  People who ask for your support are either ‘fishing’ for compliments (and YOU don’t give in to that do you) or being too demanding on you. 

10. Negativity is a crucial tool.  Learn to roll your eyes and sigh.  Act as if you are long-suffering (thanks to them) and have been a champ at putting up with THEM.  Shoot down every idea and make sure they understand they haven’ t ever had a good idea in their life.  Say nothing positive, no matter what.  Making them feel rejected is one thing, but making them feel useless and pointless is like striking gold. 

11. Bonus points for belittling their dreams and ambitions under the premise of ‘telling them the truth so they won’t get hurt’.

12. Let your friends feel that your bad mood is somehow directly related to them. Get them wondering what they did wrong.

13.  Be as inconsiderate as possible without being too obvious.  For example, be later than expected but blame ‘traffic’ – every time!  Don’t hold doors open, ask where the other person wants to sit, ask if they want a beverage when you’re getting one anyway…that sort of thing.  Works like a charm.

14. Do your best to make them understand that to be your friend requires them to be ‘perfect’ at all times and that they ought to be grateful for your friendship because you can do so much better.

15. Never EVER say you’re sorry. No matter what happens, even if you were caught red-handed at something do not apologize. Your ego and being ‘right’  is far more important than a friendship.  In fact, if you can learn to spin it so that your friend somehow ends up feeling guilty, you are top of the class!

Treat those foolish people like they don’t matter and soon enough you’ll find they disappear.  It might take some time though.  Many of these people actually do care and will hang on to the hope that you’ll eventually see how much they care and appreciate that.   Don’t give up though.  Persevere and you will soon be all alone and isn’t that what you wanted after all?

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Okay I know this was not a ‘real’ post.  Sometimes when we get a message in a different way, the point is better made.  Plus, I love sarcasm!  Do you have any hints or tips you could add? I’d love to hear them.

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