Need Thinking might be messing up your Inner Harmony

“Need” thinking seems to be getting more people in trouble these days.

What is need thinking you might be wondering.   Ah..this is all about word power once again.

You see there is a very big difference between wanting something and needing it.

And sometimes it can be really tough to tell the difference; especially when it comes to what our hearts feel.

What we need and what we want.  It’s goes back to being mindful and self-aware.  I think the surge of ‘in your face, every moment of every day’ marketing has shifted our thoughts on need and want.  We are getting it mixed up and it’s starting to wear us out and mess us up.

What do we need?

Shelter, food, love, compassion…these are needs.

What do we want?  Oh my…loads of things right?  From houses, to shoes to an old boyfriend or girlfriend.

There is nothing wrong with wanting things I suppose it is human nature after all.  Heck, even my dog Charlie ‘wants’ things sometimes.  The trick is to understand where the drive is coming from and temper it with a bigger ‘end’ goal.

I see many of my friends who have trouble with their wants and needs.  They don’t ask themselves how it fits into their bigger goals in life.  A really simple example is a friend who won’t go to the doctor for a recheck on a serious problem because it will cost money.  At the same time, almost the same breath this person tells me all about the great stuff they got on clearance…none of which they needed or even wanted before they saw it.  And in the same conversation they are talking about the sales on this weekend.

My head was spinning trying to figure out a way to point out this glaring gap in common sense…your health is far more important than more ‘stuff’ dont’ you think?

But, how many of us will sacrifice some or part of our needs in order to fulfill momentary wants?  I caught myself thinking about this when the price of my favorite fruit went up considerably. I almost didn’t but it but suddenly realized that their were things in my cart I didn’t really even want and probably won’t eat much of – but they were on sale.  Does that make sense?  Nope.  Those things went back on the shelf and I bought my fruit.

This type of need thinking creates homes and offices full of stuff.  We want it, but we think we need it.  We get caught up in the pull and end up living in clutter.  Even organized clutter is still clutter.

How many of us complain we need more room, less clutter or to get organized?  Really?  Or maybe we need less stuff that doesn’t matter in our life.  My new policy is I can think things are beautiful or amazing in the store – but I don’t have to bring it home with me.

I have 2 criteria.

1. Is it functional?  Does it replace something I used that is broken?  Will it save me time/energy/money and I will USE it often?
2. Is it beautiful?  By this I mean does it lift my spirit? Will I be able to place it somewhere I will find it bringing a smile to my face each day?  Knick-knacks that get put in a cupboard don’t do this.
3. Combine the 2 criteria and we’ve got something worthwhile!

These criteria help me stop the spontaneous buying…even with shoes!  I kid you not.

It also helps that I have learned to be so very thankful for all that I do have.  I cannot fill my heart with stuff, even if buying something makes me feel good for the moment; that feeling is very fleeting.  But graitude – now that is something you can fill a heart with.

There is a theory that when we clear out and clean up the mess in our living spaces we bring peace and harmony into our homes.  This allows us to find more peace in our inner worlds too.  Messes stress us out, we subconsciously don’t enjoy living in that place.  Ohh..I just realized “mess stress” is an awesome term to describe this effect!

What do you think? Would clearing out some clutter in your physical world bring you some peace in your inner world?

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A snippet of a clients ‘aha’

This post might look a little different from most.  I am sharing with you a snippet of a conversation that took place (with permission of course).

I was talking to a client about their goals.  LOADS of frustration on their part because they feel they are scattered all over the place and nothing connects for them.  Add in they have so many goals that they don’t know where to even start.  *Please note I did make some edits in order to protect privacy.

Time to back up this train.

ME:  Where do you want these goals to take you?

CLIENT: What do you mean?

ME:  If I can be kind of ‘devil’s advocate’ for a moment?

CLIENT: Sure

ME: What’s the point of doing all this stuff in the first place?

CLIENT: well…(long pause) I guess so I can improve my life. 

ME: Where is your life lacking that you need to improve it?

CLIENT: Me..I’m lacking (this was more blurted out than said).  Haha..no I mean, well, couldn’t we all improve our lives?

ME:  Can we?

CLIENT: I know I can…I just can’t put my finger on where. I-I-hmmm.   I guess I just want to get to a place where I feel happy.

ME: Where is this place?

CLIENT: What? Well..  I guess it’s somewhere in the future when I improve my life.

ME: Okay. So tell me what does this place look like?

CLIENT: Look like?  I hadn’t thought much about that.  I guess it’s where I am happy because I like what I do, who I am and I have good friends and security.  (*to be honest the details were a bit more specific but in fairness to privacy I generalized it)

ME: Do you have any of that right now?

CLIENT: Kind of. (*went on to describe 3 situations)

ME: Wait…so you have 3 places right in the here and now that you find really happy?  So..tell me what makes you feel you must you wait for the future to be happy?

CLIENT: Well, because it’s only part of my life.

ME:  How much of your life must be in place for you to be happy?

CLIENT: uh you mean like a percentage?  I don’t know..hmm.  Oh I see where you going.  Life isn’t ever perfect is it?

ME: Is it?

CLIENT: No.  It isn’t but some people just seem like life is good and I want that.

ME: So, we know no one’s life is perfect and yet some people act like it anyway. 

CLIENT: Huh.  How do they do that?  I guess they just focus on the good stuff?  But you can’t ignore the bad things that happen.

ME: True.  Consider your energy and focus a limited amount of funds every day.  Can you do that?

CLIENT: Yup.

ME: When you focus on something; good or bad – you spend some of this ‘energy’ fund. Okay?

CLIENT: Okay

ME:  Where are you going to put the most of your funds if you want to be happy? 

CLIENT:  Oh! (eyes have lit up and there is a big smile).  I see where this is going.

Okay ladies and gentlemen.  That is all I”m going to share because it gets very personal at that point.  I hope you can see where this was going too.  Just like life – you spend you money on what is important to you.  For most of us that’s housing, clothes, food and then some fun stuff.  But we still have to pay bills, go to the dentist and fix the darn car.   Once the car repairs are paid for though are you going to obsess on them?  No?  You move on. 

This is also how you should treat your negative stuff in life.  Deal with it, and move on.  Learn to let go so it doesn’t consume your thoughts and make it so you can’t take pleasure in the beautiful things and people that do surround you.

 

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Avoidance is a Coping Skill

Avoidance.

I mentioned this as a coping skill in my last post “Fooled or Foolish” and I’ve since had the question about what I meant by that.

When I started getting a little better and could be awake for more than an hour at a time, I had to start to deal with all the stuff I ‘missed’.  You see, I was pretty much on my own for this *ahem* adventure in car accidents. 

I didn’t do very well. Or maybe I did.  Either way I did the best I could and that I suppose, is all anyone could ask of themselves.

And when I got a lot better, where I could actually remember what I did the day before, I started to also realize a lot of things had changed.  Myself included and I struggled with that.  I wanted ME back, I wanted my happier life back; I didn’t want to deal all the stuff that had piled up and I fought those changes and problems with avoidance.

I simply refused to deal with it until I what ever issue it was got so big I was forced to do something. 

Looking back I realize that at the time this was a coping skill.  I wasn’t able to deal with literally everything in my life turning upside down and on its head, as well as the emotional upheaval and the pain and rehab…ugh!  It’s not all over with yet either.  I just deal with it much better (most days).

Avoidance is a coping skill.  However, I found out that all that stuff just grows bigger while you’re pretending it’s not there. Now, I really did need to learn to put things aside so I could heal and I have to deal with that. 

However, it’s not a great way to cope over the long haul.  Avoiding life is fine for an afternoon where you have  a migraine that makes you want to hide in bed and just try to survive it.  It’s not a great way to live your life.  And  many do everyday and not because of an accident; they are simply stuck in a terrible cycle.  It causes a great deal of stress and upset, and it doesn’t have to be this way.

Perhaps this is a good thing to have gone through because as a Mindset Coach I can recognize it quite clearly.  I also can relate and understand how much emotion is behind using avoidance.  I also know first hand what it takes to fix it and get through it.

What I want you to know is this.  It doesn’t go away. You can avoid it only so long and you will have to deal with it.  It is much easier to deal with things one at a time as they happen then it is to have everything build up and come crashing down on you all at once. 

Facing up to life, getting things under control takes time, effort and courage.  I ended up having someone totally unexpected come around to help keep me from falling off the edge.  We need support and sometimes even ideas on what to do next when we are overwhelmed.  Boy do I get that.

So, what can I help you with?

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Fooled or Foolish?

Who exactly are you trying to fool? Or perhaps you have convinced yourself you are the one who is fooled?

I know I’ve written before about cutting out the BS but it still amazes me how often we do it and don’t even realize that we are trying to pull the wool over our own eyes.

As a Coach, I see it all the time.  Most of the time I can tell pretty quickly who has an honest relationship with themselves and who lives in an alternate reality – so to speak.

A perfect example of this came up for me this weekend while I was out shopping for some groceries.

A rather large and loud woman (for the sake of the story lets call her Sue) and her friend (let’s call her Susan) were shopping in the same area.  Susan suggested that they pick up strawberries.  Sue took a look at them and very loudly proclaimed how expensive they were, and how regular people like her simply could not afford to eat such things. 

Now I happened to be almost right behind her and could clearly see in her cart.  People who can’t afford to eat concern me…I’ve been there and I have been blessed to have someone help me cross the hurdle.  So I peeked.  And that’s when I spotted it…the BS.

4…yes FOUR name brand full-sized bags of chips, three bottles of soda.  One of those bags could easily be exchanged for a box of strawberries.  No kidding…almost the same cost.

Now I try hard not to judge we all have our issues after all; but if you going to yell about it in the grocery store, please don’t try flinging around the cow patties you know?

The thing is you bet she fooled herself into believing it…because she wanted the junk food.   Hey…go for it.  It’s your body your pouring crap into.  All I ever ask from my clients and friends is that they don’t BS me or themselves about it. 

I do stuff sometimes when I know better too.  One of my favourite coping skills that I developed when struggling through the first year of pain and strife after my car accident was avoidance.  You can come up with a TON of excuses that might even be slightly true with that one. 

It wasn’t until I started being straight with myself and asking “what’s the real reason?” that I was able to begin healing and moving forward. 

BS is strong stuff…keeps you stuck and sucks you in (I know…gross metephor but it’s more true than you realize).

So, think about that important question.  “Why am I doing this?  What’s the real reason?”  Have you discovered some BS in your own life?

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Stop Right There

Please stop, give it a rest, quit the BS….seriously.

You know I love you guys but you have to cut the crap and stand in truth.  Not for me…but for you.

I’m talking about the excuses.  I know, I know…they are reasons right? Uh-huh.  Who exactly are you trying to fool?  Not only have I heard them all before (I was a teacher if you remember!) but I’ve used most of them, or a version of such, myself.

Now, I love words and understanding the true meaning helps us understand our motives too.  Let’s look at the definition of excuse shall we?  C’mon…this part won’t hurt.

Excuse: An attempt to lessen the blame attached to a fault or offense: to seek to defend or justify.

Okay.  Hmm. Now lets explore the term reason as it relates to what we’re talking about here.

Reason: A cause, explanation, or justification for an action or event.

There are some similarities aren’t there?  The key of course is a reason doesn’t attempt to lessen our responsibility of what has happened.  That is where we are faltering in our day to day lives.

Oh Personal Accountability…there you are once again.  That guy just keeps popping up doesn’t he?

Here’s the real difference in a situation we all encounter.  I am late for an appointment. I can either arrive and start going on about traffic, my alarm didn’t go off at the right time, can’t find my other shoe…etc etc.  I’m sure you have your favorite perfected excuse for being late…we all do!  For the record, mine was traffic.  😉  

OR I can arrive and simply apologise for running late.  Notice I’m accepting responsibility for it and I’m not trying to lessen blame, or even shift it entirely. 

Okay..big deal right? Well the little things add up my friends.  How you view yourself and how others view you is created by these little things.

Oh you need a bigger deal? No problem.  I have to listen to an awful lot of excuses in my coaching practice.  The bigger kind, the kind that we use to justify making (or refusing to make) choices that we know aren’t good for us.  This isn’t good!

Here’s the thing. You have choice, whether you like it or not you are making these choices anyway.  And yes, NOT doing anything IS a choice!  The very least you can do for yourself is stand in the truth of that. 

You are choosing to stay in a job you hate because you are afraid to leave the security. Okay…stand in that truth.  Stop  blaming the kids, the spouse, the lack of time etc.  

You are choosing to stay in a relationship with someone who tears you down because you are worried about being alone.  Stop trying to tell yourself  she will change, she has good days too.  You know the truth, stop hiding it. 

There is no judgement here friends.  All I am asking is that you stop bs-ing yourself.   It helps no one, least of all you.  You are worthy of much, much more than this.  Self worth starts with you and starts with the truth; your truth. 

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