The Foundations of Character

In my previous post I talked about how it is about time we started building our character, making it strong and stepping into that truth even when it’s hard.  Before we can do that however, we need to understand what the basis for good character is.  Gosh but simply saying good or strong character always makes it sound so simple and easy. I really don’t know that it is, but it is fairly simple to understand in theory!

Foundations, traits…call it whatever you want; what makes us look to a person and say they have a strong character?  What makes us strive to emulate them, when we want to have or develop good character in ourselves or our children?

There is a fair amount of research that has been done to answer this question. There is (sorry) no definitive definition.  However, there are some things that we generally do agree on.   I think it’s worth exploring and seeing how this would fit in with my (and your) life.  After much reading and research this is what I came up with as basic traits for strong character.

(This post is going to inform is a very simplified way what I think are the foundations. I am then going to round it up at the end with a question for YOU!) 

1. Being a good Neighbour – being informed about what is happening and taking part in the world around you.  It also is where I’d throw in the idea of taking care of the environment.   These people obey sensible rules and co-operate with other people.  Citizenship is about making the world around us better for everyone.

2. Fairness – Treating all people fairly, playing by the rules.  I think the most important part of fairness is to have an open mind; even when you disagree.

3. Personal Accountability – I’m talking about personal responsiblity here folks.  Being accountable for your own actions! So this means you do what you say you are going to do, you think before you act.  Also falling under this pillar is self-control and self-discipline.   Have the courage to do the right thing, every time.

4. Compassion – Part sympathy, part empathy…it’s showing that you care about others and how they feel.

5. Trustworthiness – Easy right? Don’t lie, cheat, steal or blame others.  Do what you say you are going to do and stand by your word.  I think the idea of doing the right thing even if it’s hard or no one is looking..or everyone is looking, falls into this category as well.  Being loyal to your family and friends also falls under trustworthiness.  We have to build the presence of integrity into our expectations of everyday life.

6. Respect – One of my favourite saying is “do unto others as you would have done to you“.  The Golden Rule lies in respect.  Many of us mix up respect with fear and we must understand that we earn respect through our actions.  Things like good manners, accepting differences, solving problems with a win/win in mind rather than with fists blazing! 

7. Self Respect – I think it is important to separate respect and self-respect in this instance.  It is possible to have one without the other.  Those who value themselves often do not value others and just as often, the case is the reverse.  It is not only possible, but necessary to be able to hold both in your mind in order to be of good character. 

When you boil it down it is my thinking that these are the foundations of good character.  Seems simple doesn’t it?  Obviously not so or we’d not have so many problems in the world.

I am asking you then, what do you think goes wrong so that so many people might let one or more of these pillars crumble a little (or a lot?)?  Let me know your thoughts in the comments section.  I’ll give you mine in part three of the discussion on Character. 🙂

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Respect or Fear?

Ask anyone (kids to adults) and I’m pretty confident all will agree that respect is important. The problem arises when you start asking what that means. So many people have a really skewed version and understanding of this.
A good example of this is the parent who feels that they do not have to use please or thank you with their children. I actually have had parents say this to me. After all they say, I’m the parent! Manners are one way we show respect to other people. In the same way a lack of manners shows disrespect.  It is the same no matter who you are showing or not showing it too..age or relationship doesn’t matter.  Respect is respect is respect!  It feeds on itself, as does dis-repsect. 
How can a parent demand respect but at the same time refuse to do the same for the ones they most care about? What exactly are they hoping to teach their children here?
These parents are not creating a respectful dynamic within their family. The are relying on the “fear of the parent” to create a feeling of power. Not the same as respect at all; and certainly not going to last.
Another area I’ve seen this confusion heightened is in teens. The really get this one wrong. They often rely on social ranking to decide who is deserving of respect. Unfortunately, fear is often used as a means to get and maintain a spot at the top of the high school food chain.
Gang members often talk strongly about making others ‘respect’ them or else. Again, they are mixing up respect and fear. Threats don’t get you respect! Forcing someone to respect you at gunpoint is not being respected; period.
The bottom line is as a society we seem to be getting a lot of confusion about this topic. You want respect? You have to do two things. First, live in a way that is worthy of being respected and second, you have to give respect to other people.

There’s that Golden Rule again!

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A bucket of respect? Well, ya!

This past weekend I gave a seminar all about core values.  I talked about the top ten values, what they meant and how to use them in your life.  I was thrilled with all the amazing discussion and sharing that was going on.  In fact, I had to make some serious adjustments to my presentation on the fly to accommodate all the extra time we spent!  It was simply awesome.

One of the topics with the most questions and discussion was around respect. 

The questions started with a pretty common one. How do I get respect from other people (like kids or co-workers)?

My answer surprised a few (I gotta say I do get a kick out of seeing those faces looking all taken aback!).  The answer I gave? “You can’t and you don’t.” 

Ok ok..I admit I KNOW what they are asking but in fact you can’t ‘get’ respect.  You earn it. It is a gift given from other people to you, because they value you.

I can explain it this way.   Imagine you have a respect bucket that you carry around with you.  This is a very special bucket because although you know it’s there; you can’t do anything with it yourself.  Every person on Earth is given this and has a bucket that is partly full of  respect.  Only other people can add to it or take it away.  All you can do is influence people through your actions.  You cannot demand that people respect you.  In fact that does the opposite.  Too many people however confuse fear with respect.  If you are kind, thoughtful and show respect to others(adding to their bucket) then hopefully they will do the same for you. 

Consider examples such as Mother Teresa.  This little slip of a woman garnered respect from people everywhere, in all levels of society, other religious leaders, governments and more.  Yet, she was never demanding of respect. No one ever heard her say ‘you must love and listen to me because look what I have done’.  She let her truth shine through her daily actions and earned respect and admiration, even from those who had none for anyone else.

The important thing here is to understand that you cannot make someone respect you.  It just doesn’t work that way.  You have to earn it.   In order to get it you have to consistently give others the same respect you desire.

Hmmm. Isnt’ this just another way the golden rule about treating others the way you want to be treated makes sense?

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