Take Control of Your Own Life

I hear a lot of new clients or friends who get upset when I talk about being in control of your own life.  Like, really upset.

In fact, one person very recently called me out on it pretty harshly.  I’m okay with that.  I’ve found the blessing in this. When someone calls you out on your beliefs it can cause you to really look deeply at them and in this case bring about a strengthening of them and a deeper understanding.

The problem is one I totally get …because they are right.  Completely right.  You see, they were upset because I said that people create their life with their actions and thoughts.  This person slammed down the point that life happens and we can’t control what others do to us and around us.  “Look all the people who lost their houses, jobs and had their life crumble” He said.  “You’re blaming THEM?” 

Ouch. He was angry at me with righteous indignation on his part with the understanding that he had.  I kind of admired him for that actually.  A real stand-up guy if you think about it.

However, there was a part of this idea that he was missing. 

While he was totally right – we can’t often control the experiences we have in life.  We might lose our job and income through no fault of our own.  Accidents happen (tell me about it!) that can destroy our life as we know it, and so on.  However, we can control how we experience those circumstances.  We ultimately choose our reactions.  Oh sure sometimes we have immediate reactions that are based more on baser emotions, but we can calm ourselves or feed that fire.

I know people who allow petty annoyances to create a huge amount of chaos in their life.  I also know people who have had great tragedy befall them who have chosen to create something positive out of it. 

You can choose to let life happen TO you, or you can take the controls and begin to create a life that reflects who you are and who you want to be.

So let me be clear here.  You may not be able to control WHAT experiences you have in life – but you can control HOW you experience them. 

In this coming New Year I want you to consider that. This is a fresh year that can allow us a perfect time to begin to make shifts to bring about a happier, more vibrant life.  Will you join me in taking the controls back in your life?  I think it’s time we all understand we are responsible for our own happiness and quite capable of creating it.

 

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Can You Get Out of A Learned Life Pattern?

I learned very early in my life that things aren’t always fair.

Recently I have had to face a hidden part of my self, and it wasn’t pretty.  What I discovered was a new level of honest and raw emotions. 

To be honest, I’m in a weird sort of way quite impressed with how well I’ve ignored and/or covered up these feelings and got on with life.

But  no more.

The pain, the emotions are out and they are staying out and they are going to change.

There has been a lot of people in my life who have, by actions (or lack there of) and by words shoved the idea that I was not really worthy of their time and affection.  I could earn some of it by doing for them, or giving to them but I, by myself wasn’t really making the cut.  So I became a giver of myself and in process gave away so much I ended up empty and lost.

I don’t believe for one minute that any of these people meant to teach that to a child and then re-enforce it over and over as an adult.  I think, for the most part it was a double-edged sword.  Maybe even triple edged…is there a triple edged sword? 

My family repeated what they had learned.  I don’t understand how they can not see the hurt, but they simply cannot and will not.  I have had to learn to let that go.  I have to hand that back to those people and let them own it until the day they are ready to deal with it themselves.

As I got older, I repeated this learned patttern on my own.  I gave and did for others and didn’t value my Self.  This included my time, money and love.  And if I didn’t value it I was only going to attract those who also didn’t.  Not bad or mean people…but people who were going to help me repeat this pattern over and over of not getting what I need.  And at one point I was really in need emotionally and physically and ended up pretty much alone.  You want to talk about painful?  Yup..that really hurt and it still kind of does. 

In the past, I would change myself, adapt who I was and what I wanted in order to keep the peace. I’d hurt, but never show it.  I wasn’t even sure who I was anymore.

What I’ve learned is I’ve repeated these relationship dynamics over and over again.  They hurt deeply, but it is what felt normal to me.  I just simply made excuses and shoved my own needs down figuring I can just deal with it myself.  As I mentioned … sometimes you can’t.

I wanted to change this.  I started to see that it didn’t have to be this way.  I wanted OUT of this pattern.

Sadly, it meant inflicting more pain on myself in order to break free.  This is not an easy thing to do.  It can be lonely and scary and well…leave you wondering if it’s worth it.  This is really tough when your boundaries have to change with your family.  People don’t like change, they get uncomfortable with you making changes especially when it affects the relationship.  I had to, at one point step, back and decide to let them initiate contact and do some follow-up on the relationship.  The lack of interest was heartbreaking for me. 

The one big lesson I’ve learned is it’s far more painful to be lonely when you are with someone, then it is to be lonely when you are by yourself.  I rather like myself and so don’t really feel sad at being alone.

I am learning my worth every day.  I have found some kindred spirits who do value my spirit.  It has taken a lot of time, tears and many, many lessons along the way.  It seemed like each time I reach a new understanding, it opens up a wound that must be bathed in tears in order to begin to heal.

I find though that each day I am more ‘me’.  I know more about what I need, what I want and I’m not shy about it anymore.  I still enjoy being a giver, but only so far as I am happy doing so. I won’t wreck  my health or life to make someone care for me because that isn’t real anyway. 

I wanted to share this because I have also discovered that many people travel the same path and never understand that it can be different. It is possible and it is better.  It was during this journey (and I say during because it’s never-ending I think) that I was lead to coaching.  My life journey is taking me places I would never have suspected once I started living it in an authentic way.

Do you have trouble with boundaries and repeating the same types of relationship dynamics?

We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal of that which others have made of us.
Jean-Paul Sartre

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Avoidance is a Coping Skill

Avoidance.

I mentioned this as a coping skill in my last post “Fooled or Foolish” and I’ve since had the question about what I meant by that.

When I started getting a little better and could be awake for more than an hour at a time, I had to start to deal with all the stuff I ‘missed’.  You see, I was pretty much on my own for this *ahem* adventure in car accidents. 

I didn’t do very well. Or maybe I did.  Either way I did the best I could and that I suppose, is all anyone could ask of themselves.

And when I got a lot better, where I could actually remember what I did the day before, I started to also realize a lot of things had changed.  Myself included and I struggled with that.  I wanted ME back, I wanted my happier life back; I didn’t want to deal all the stuff that had piled up and I fought those changes and problems with avoidance.

I simply refused to deal with it until I what ever issue it was got so big I was forced to do something. 

Looking back I realize that at the time this was a coping skill.  I wasn’t able to deal with literally everything in my life turning upside down and on its head, as well as the emotional upheaval and the pain and rehab…ugh!  It’s not all over with yet either.  I just deal with it much better (most days).

Avoidance is a coping skill.  However, I found out that all that stuff just grows bigger while you’re pretending it’s not there. Now, I really did need to learn to put things aside so I could heal and I have to deal with that. 

However, it’s not a great way to cope over the long haul.  Avoiding life is fine for an afternoon where you have  a migraine that makes you want to hide in bed and just try to survive it.  It’s not a great way to live your life.  And  many do everyday and not because of an accident; they are simply stuck in a terrible cycle.  It causes a great deal of stress and upset, and it doesn’t have to be this way.

Perhaps this is a good thing to have gone through because as a Mindset Coach I can recognize it quite clearly.  I also can relate and understand how much emotion is behind using avoidance.  I also know first hand what it takes to fix it and get through it.

What I want you to know is this.  It doesn’t go away. You can avoid it only so long and you will have to deal with it.  It is much easier to deal with things one at a time as they happen then it is to have everything build up and come crashing down on you all at once. 

Facing up to life, getting things under control takes time, effort and courage.  I ended up having someone totally unexpected come around to help keep me from falling off the edge.  We need support and sometimes even ideas on what to do next when we are overwhelmed.  Boy do I get that.

So, what can I help you with?

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Fooled or Foolish?

Who exactly are you trying to fool? Or perhaps you have convinced yourself you are the one who is fooled?

I know I’ve written before about cutting out the BS but it still amazes me how often we do it and don’t even realize that we are trying to pull the wool over our own eyes.

As a Coach, I see it all the time.  Most of the time I can tell pretty quickly who has an honest relationship with themselves and who lives in an alternate reality – so to speak.

A perfect example of this came up for me this weekend while I was out shopping for some groceries.

A rather large and loud woman (for the sake of the story lets call her Sue) and her friend (let’s call her Susan) were shopping in the same area.  Susan suggested that they pick up strawberries.  Sue took a look at them and very loudly proclaimed how expensive they were, and how regular people like her simply could not afford to eat such things. 

Now I happened to be almost right behind her and could clearly see in her cart.  People who can’t afford to eat concern me…I’ve been there and I have been blessed to have someone help me cross the hurdle.  So I peeked.  And that’s when I spotted it…the BS.

4…yes FOUR name brand full-sized bags of chips, three bottles of soda.  One of those bags could easily be exchanged for a box of strawberries.  No kidding…almost the same cost.

Now I try hard not to judge we all have our issues after all; but if you going to yell about it in the grocery store, please don’t try flinging around the cow patties you know?

The thing is you bet she fooled herself into believing it…because she wanted the junk food.   Hey…go for it.  It’s your body your pouring crap into.  All I ever ask from my clients and friends is that they don’t BS me or themselves about it. 

I do stuff sometimes when I know better too.  One of my favourite coping skills that I developed when struggling through the first year of pain and strife after my car accident was avoidance.  You can come up with a TON of excuses that might even be slightly true with that one. 

It wasn’t until I started being straight with myself and asking “what’s the real reason?” that I was able to begin healing and moving forward. 

BS is strong stuff…keeps you stuck and sucks you in (I know…gross metephor but it’s more true than you realize).

So, think about that important question.  “Why am I doing this?  What’s the real reason?”  Have you discovered some BS in your own life?

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3 Easy Steps to Not Doing Something Stupid

We’ve all had our moments right? You know the ones where we fly off the handle, blurt out something stupid we wish we could take back or feel the opportunity rising in us to act without thought. This is pure lower consciousness and emotional reactions taking us over. Our lower consciousness (or Id according to Freud) is a real brat when upset.

We usually regret this later…even if we don’t want to admit it.

You can see this in just about every forum on the internet. People who lose their minds over grammar or spelling or someone disagreeing. (You know they’d most likely never act like that in real life.)

Or how about the road rage I’m sure some of us have been witness to on occasion. It was this insanity that got me to thinking “what is wrong with people?” I could feel the annoyance rising in me as I watched this fool cutting people off, slamming on brakes and weaving in and out of traffic. Is it a lack of consequence? I’m sure there is a lot of research being done around the phenomenon.

Curious, I was able to observe with my higher self how I was getting really peeved. I had to remind myself how stupid it would be to fall into line and start pushing the accelerator. I was also able to clearly notice what I did to shift my emotions and mindset. I took back control.

You know me…once I get to thinking it rolls on and on! We all do things or say things out of immediate reaction and emotion. I am certain we have all blurted out something in the heat of an argument or emotional situation we regretted or wished we could take back.

Okay…so how to keep from doing or saying stupid things?

1. Pause Give yourself a moment before you move or open your mouth. Just pause. Sounds easier than it is trust me but it’s super important to take a couple of seconds.

2. Breathe During your few seconds take a few deep breaths and choose to let go of the emotions driving you. Release, breathe, release. Calming breathes with serve to get rid of the cloud over your better judgement.

3. Then act

Giving your self those few seconds for a breather can make a huge difference in whether you spend the day regretting and trying to fix a bigger problem or solving the actual issue you have.

Think it doesn’t work? Try it. Or look at my example of the road rage. We can either allow ourselves to be overtaken by emotions and have them run away with us. This only serves to feed the emotion making everything bigger than it really is. Or we can put our emotions in its place and be in control of our self.

As Brian Tracy put it “You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.”

Which do you think will result in less regret and more problem solving?

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