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Archive for the ‘honest relationships’ Category

Well, it’s Tuesday already…two more days until I embark on a road trip to partake in the second of three very long, but fabulous, weekends of training.  It really is a bit crazy but I’m so happykeep-calm-two-more-days to be there it doesn’t matter.  Mind you I pretty much collapse into bed but that’s okay; I have to get up early anyway!  Crazy town?  Perhaps but I can’t wait to get there.

No kidding…as long is it, you know what? In addition to being really excited about getting to hone the skills I already have and learn some new ones – I’m really excited to see the people who are going to be there.

There are some amazing – no freaking amazing people in this group.  I’ve gotten to know a few of them much better because of the way the studies are set up in between the 3-day weekends.

I can’t wait to give some of them a BIG hug.

Truly, for me half of the joy of deciding to sign up with iPEC (the school I’m training with) is finding all these people who kind of think just like me!   Holy crap they ARE out there!

I know I’ve said it before in other posts but us humans are not meant to go it alone in this life.  We are meant to make connections, learn from each other and offer that hand up when we can.  I don’t think alone is our natural state.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am very comfortable being just with myself and to be honest, sometimes I need it.  But to FEEL alone, well that is another story.  That is loneliness.  And that hurts.

It hurts more I think to feel alone in sea of people who you think care about you too.  Not being able to express your ideas, thoughts or what your soul’s light is shining is really painful and frustrating.  No one wants to feel judged because of who they are deep inside – so we keep it hidden or we feel like we are banging our heads against a wall.

Finding people who I can easily be understood by and who ‘get’ me was like unlocking a treasure box…it feels like coming home. I get what people mean now by the idea of finding your tribe.  Your tribe is people who, while not walking your path, parallel it enough that there is connection, understanding and shared excitement and joy about the same sorts of things. (tweet this)

You know what I mean?

So, I’m looking forward to seeing all of them again, learning and laughing and the occasionally teary session. Some powerful stuff coaching and we all go through it together.

Have you found some of your tribe?

 

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ps. If YOU want to become part of MY tribe too (and I hope you do!) you can start by getting my monthly newsletter in your inbox.  Just register your email here and you’re good to go. Yay!

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Never apologize for how you feel right here in this moment.  Good advice I think. 

This doesn’t mean you need to be a jerk about it or even that you’re in the ‘right’.  It also doesn’t provide you with special privileges.  You may learn something that changes how you feel or what you believe to be true.  Heck you might even finally realize that you are wrong about something.

That’s not the point.

If you are doing the best you can to understand something and be as empathetic as you can, there is no point in assuming that your feelings are anything other than what they are.

Apologising for that would be like saying your sorry for who you are.  neversaysorry

Of course the flip side to this is to be mindful enough to maintain an open heart and mind, so that you can learn and grow and not be stuck feeling righteous in your personal feelings.

The bit that many forget is two-fold.  First, yes you most certainly are entitled to feel how  you feel be it angry, happy, silly or whatever.  That said, you also must accept that so is every one else – no exceptions.  You don’t have to understand their feelings or agree with them in order to accept them for what they are; that isn’t always your place. 

The other bit that many forget is that empathy is a skill that needs practice.  We have yet to develop the ability to read each others minds and so being aware that others may feel differently and listening (and asking) is a huge part of being a compassionate and loving person.

We all want to connect in some way and feel understood.  It’s human nature. The best way to begin getting that, is to start GIVING that. 

Acceptance, empathy and compassion sound so simple on paper, but they can be much  harder to put into practice when we encounter difficult people.  When we are able to do this however, we bring peace to our lives rather than adding to the chaos and bitterness that so many drag with them on  daily basis. 

I have seen such a difference in my own relationships and dealings when I approach angry or upset people with a different attitude.  When I don’t allow myself to defend my thoughts and emotions and instead attempt to understand theirs. 

It’s amazing. 

Of course this doesn’t mean I’ll agree with them or they will change either.  Think on this though..the end result is still the same. No one agrees (or maybe they do) but there is much calmer process to get there.  I mean…why stress myself out if nothing is going to change anyway?  Besides I have found I get much better results when there is an attempt at compassion for the other person (no matter how distasteful the encounter might be at first).  You may never change your opinion or thoughts but it saves you a lot of extra heartache.

You may not be able to control how you feel about certain things but you can choose how you react to them.  Your emotions are just that…emotions.  You should never feel bad about feeling them.  And while they might guide you, they should never rule over you.

Your reactions to your emotions should fit the person you are choosing to become. 

 

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As I’m sure you’ve heard Conrad Bain; the actor who played the father on the TV series Different Strokes has passed.  Although I bless him the next part of his journey and I bless his family who must be missing him terribly that isn’t what this post is about.

I’ve been hearing the theme song for the TV show all over the place.  It’s quite catchy (check it out here if you dont’ know it)

So the main idea is that “it takes different strokes to move the world” or in other words everybody has different likes/dislikes and needs.  The gist of the message is that this is a wonderful thing.

So far I love it.  Heck I loved it when I was a kid.

But, it got me thinking.  Sure we all have differences and that is what makes life so interesting if you’re not so pig-headed or mired in your own life to see it. At the same time, we also haveLearningTogether a lot of sameness. (is that a word? Well, it is now! )

I mean sure  we all have to eat, sleep and poop, but it does go way deeper than physical need.  We all have ‘sameness’ in our emotional ones too.

The easy to see ones of course are we all need love.  But just as important and so rarely spoken of – we need a few other things too. 

  • We need to feel heard
  • We need physical and emotional connection
  • We all need to feel like we matter
  • We need to feel secure

How often are we ensuring our children understand what this means?  How often do we check in with our selves to ensure our needs are being met around these things? How often are we taking the time to make sure our own loved ones feel heard, secure and connected?

More importantly – What are we doing if they are not?

Too often we ignore it.  Cover it up with excuses and “maybe laters” or “next time”.  We can’t keep doing this.  The time is now.

The conversations need to happen.  The biggest things  I hear over and OVER again is that when talking to me as a coach people are so grateful (to tears) that they finally feel like they are being heard and validated rather than judged.

Dear friends….listen to this.  We are all living in a world where we our basic needs are not being met far too often.  How to fix it?  Start by understanding what you need and asking for it.  Also, don’t forget that everyone around you has these needs too.  Learn to listen deeply, accept with out judgement and offer the connections you want as well.

I see so many lost souls wandering and crying out for what is so close and yet so far.  Let’s start by learning to love our ‘self’ first, then offering the same love to the world.

Blessings,

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I read a quote today on Facebook that included the comment  “and never let ’em see you cry”.  What’s with that crap?myrant

Yes, this is going to be a bit of a rant.  Bear with me lovelies.

For most of my life I held it in.  People hurt me deeply and I did everything in my power to hide it.  I let them carry on thinking all was just fine.  Sometimes it was fear of being vulnerable, sometimes I didn’t want to make others uncomfortable but mostly I thought I would appear weak.  My thoughts? “Screw them. They will never see me cry!”

So, but refusing to share or be truthful, I thought I was strong.  I was fooling myself.

It’s not strong to hide your emotions, it’s really not.  Burying them deep down causes some real problems for your  health too but I’m not even going to go there.  The mental and emotional issues are enough for one post I think.

Problem number one with this crap of never let them see you cry.  Crying is a natural and healthy reaction.  It means you have feelings and that is a good thing.  When you hurt you need to feel it in order to move through and past it.  I’m not saying you have to shed tears, but forcing yourself to NOT feel them when you need to is foolish. 

Tears can be sign that you have been strong for long enough, that you need to heal. 

Problem number two may be a surprise for some.  What I discovered it you can’t just shut off ONE emotion.  All others are affected too.  At the least, joy is diminished, love is dampened or even withheld and that sucks.   What’s the point of this life if you aren’t going to experience it?? 

Life has pain and sorrow and it has joys beyond measure.  You can’t have one without allowing the other.  Shut them off and you are not living – you are simply surviving.

So cut it out with this nonsense.  Let your emotions happen and bless them.  If you hurt and feel tears – let them come.   If you are joyful and feel tears – let them come.  You should never excuse being a human who participates fully in life. 

If you find that it makes others uncomfortable, that isn’t your stuff.  That is their stuff.  Perhaps you may even help them find permission to feel more deeply themselves, or perhaps they will simply feel awkward.  Let them.  They  have their own story to write.

I am not a person who easily cries…never really have been.  Which brings me to problem number three.  Not being honest with myself or others.  If I am feeling tears and I stamp them down along with the emotions that brought the tears in the first place, I am hiding from myself.  I am telling my self that I am not allowed to be me and my truth is not valuable.   Oh hell no!  You and I both know that we are worthy of our own truth!

You also are not being honest with those around you.  If you act like what is happening is no big deal, guess what?  They will continue to do whatever is upsetting you, hurting you or causing those tears.  Even joyous tears that are not allowed can be dishonest.  Those around you get to thinking you don’t ‘feel’ it and might think you don’t really care.  Not great for your relationships.

Why are we so afraid to show our hearts these days?

My tears, my joys and my hurts are MINE to express however I need to.  If that means tears or dancing in the aisle, this is what I will be doing.  So I’m changing those old lyrics from “it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to…” into “It’s my life and I’ll cry if I want to..”

So I say, let ’em see you cry but keep your head held high.  Stand proudly in those emotions whatever they are.  I ask you to never EVER apologise for being you. 

You are far to wonderful to allow yourself to be diminished like that.

Okay…rant over.  ((hugs)) all around! 

Blessings and love to you all!

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(I know this is a bit early but the message is timely and important to hear – thanks for your understanding of my little deviation from my regular Tues/Fri post)

That title is no mistake. I am asking you to let go of some of your own crap and simply be present, not A present, to your family this year.

Too often we get caught up in all there is to do at this time of year. I am as guilty of it as anyone.  I love to host dinners and parties for my loved ones but once the day came I was a freakin mess!

No kidding.

It was stress.  It made me grumpy and frustrated and annoyed with those who were messing stuff up.  Not the guests…people who were ‘helping me.  And then guess what? I’d get ticked off that I was doing all the work and everyone had disappeared.  Well, looking back I dont’ think I’d want to be with me either.  I wasn’t exactly very jolly.  This was a pattern of behaviour I had learned from watching my parent.  I didn’t much like it as a kid, and I didn’t like it in ME as an adult

So I spent some time looking deeper within myself to figure out what the problem really was.  vic017

Self Worth.

Shoot, that thing is everywhere isn’t it?

Truth is I had learned somewhere along the line that things needed to be perfect for everyone else or I felt that I’d be deemed ‘unworthy’. 

Not an easy truth to throw out with the trash. It sort of permeated every part of my life.  Still, I had to start somewhere right? The holidays were a huge source of this stress so it seem brilliant to begin there.

So I stopped trying to be perfect.  Okay..mostly.  But I can deal with the fall out much better if I’m not and I did let go of the control I felt before.  In doing so I allowed myself to be present in the moments I was missing out on before.

The holidays are NOT about busting your budgets, running yourself ragged or wearing yourself out.  No one should be feeling that way unless they are getting paid a HUGE salary.  Last I checked I didn’t get a dime for making all that food or searching out and buying all those gifts or even gift wrapping them.

Those things should be done with love and laughter.  Share the load.  You deserve to be immersed in the joyful celebrations too.  So I say gather everyone up and let them know you expect some pitching in.  I always recommend letting them know what jobs need to be done and asking which they are signing up for rather than assigning duties. 

Put on some rocking Christmas tunes, (try Grooveshark and everyone can pick a few!)  sing a long while you wash the pots and clean up the wrapping paper.  Have some FUN.  Then when all the chores are done be sure to have another type of gathering. Once full of love, gratitude and celebration.

A gratitude circle is a wonderful way to end the day.  I actually used to do this to promote harmony in my classroom.   Each person says something they are grateful for about another person.  In the family I think it would be lovely to have them say what they are grateful for with each member.  Bit of advice though; let them know in advance because putting someone on the spot is just hard on many folks.  I would allow notes even!

My big point is this…the holidays create so many joyous and warm memories that we can hold onto in tougher times.  Be mindful to be part of creating those memories. Slow the day down and be present in the moments that matter.

Many Blessing for Christmas, Yule, Hanukkah and all the other beautiful celebration going on you may be part of .

Warm hot chocolate hugs,

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Every single person on this Earth has expectations and assumptions.  We kind of have to in order to manage to get through life without losing our minds. 

Think about it..we assume that the guy in the other car will stop for the red light on his side so we just buzz on through the green.  But we also have assumptions about our expectations.

Mind spinning yet?

We know what we feel and desire in our heart of hearts.  But we often assume that who we are in our truest form won’t be accepted by others.  Many of us wear many masks and hide our dreams because of what we think is expected of us. 

And we won’t break out of these roles because we fear losing our friends and even family.

So we remain, unhappy, hidden and our greatest gifts – our light – is dimmed and shuttered.

If you step back over here with me to look at this a bit differently I’d like to point out of couple of problems with this line of thinking.

First, you were not put here on this Earth to be small, dim or hidden.  You have a light within you that is a gift, and you do it such a disservice by closing the shutters up tight because someone out there may not like it.  You were meant to shine!

Which brings me to my next thought.  Not everyone is going to like you – that is a given in life.  That’s okay.  Simply bless those people and move on.  However, consider this.  If no one knows who you truly are and they only see this facade – then in all truth – no one really likes or  loves you because they don’t know you.  They might like the person you are projecting, but that isn’t YOU.

You can’t lose what you don’t actually have I’m afraid.  Truly if you think everyone likes you then that is a huge hint you aren’t being your truest self.  You are playing roles to make others happy.  I mean c’mon…even the best of us have people who dislike them!

When you allow yourself to shine, to be you in all your quirky ways, then others who will love you for those very things can find you.  Until then you are just an actor on stage and people are simply loving your role…not you.

Imagine what and who you are missing.  Imagine the peace and joy of releasing all that misery and self-condemnation and allowing yourself to grow into the beautiful being you were alway meant to be. 

It’s okay to love you.  In fact, I’m betting most people you already know will love you too if you are brave enough to give them that chance.  You’ll be surprised at what happens.  Take off the masks – live free.

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So, you’ve decided you have had just about enough of people trying to care about you and help you do what ever it is you have always wanted to do in life.  Good for you!

These tips can be used for just about any relationship’s destruction.  From a spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend, friend, co-worker, any relationship in the family of origin and more!

Hard to believe you’ve put up with people like that, all concerned and supportive, for so long.

So how to make sure you truly and completely ruin all these relationships?  It’s tricky, but I have some tips for you.  I hope you find all the superficial and empty relationships you ever wanted after you destroy the warm and  fuzziest – or better yet enjoy the emptiness of your own home.  Good luck to you!

Here you go!

1. Don’t call them EVER.  Make them call you each and every time.  Make ’em work for right?  After all you’re far to busy, important and …um…well busy to be thinking of reaching out to others.  Hey, they might think you care about them too! Can’t have that now can we.

2. The ONE exception to Rule #1 is only call if you WANT something.  Make sure you let them know what you need, and if at all possible make them feel guilty or pity. That way you’ll get what you want and no one will bug you about it.

3. NEVER repay a favour or kindness.  Like ever.  If they ask for a favour blow them off with some lame excuse.  The best kind of excuse is one where every one really knows it is either not true or can easily be put off or something.   It’s best if the other person feels let down.  Better yet if they feel down right rejected!

4. To go along with #3 be sure to never notice if a friend needs a hand or help.  Gloss over it or better yet, tell them why you have it so much worse.  If they are hinting – ignore it.  Force them to have to ask you (beg) for assistance. Then it is so much more delicious when you get to turn them down.

5. Talk about them behind their back.  Do not keep anything sacred or confidential. After all, people need to know you KNOW stuff right? Plus it makes them look bad or foolish or whatever and that makes you so much better doesn’t it?

6. No matter how clear their boundaries are keep pushing them.  Ignore or dismiss what they tell you any time you get a chance. 

7. Respect?  Demand it but don’t ever give it. Period.  People need to earn your respect after all.

8. Insist on having it your way, all the time.  At the very least, sulk if you get outvoted.  No matter what, you need to make sure everyone knows you don’t like what’s happening.  Complain and be negative as much as you can.  Insist it isn’t your fault – it’s just the truth.

9. Be critical of everything.  People who ask for your support are either ‘fishing’ for compliments (and YOU don’t give in to that do you) or being too demanding on you. 

10. Negativity is a crucial tool.  Learn to roll your eyes and sigh.  Act as if you are long-suffering (thanks to them) and have been a champ at putting up with THEM.  Shoot down every idea and make sure they understand they haven’ t ever had a good idea in their life.  Say nothing positive, no matter what.  Making them feel rejected is one thing, but making them feel useless and pointless is like striking gold. 

11. Bonus points for belittling their dreams and ambitions under the premise of ‘telling them the truth so they won’t get hurt’.

12. Let your friends feel that your bad mood is somehow directly related to them. Get them wondering what they did wrong.

13.  Be as inconsiderate as possible without being too obvious.  For example, be later than expected but blame ‘traffic’ – every time!  Don’t hold doors open, ask where the other person wants to sit, ask if they want a beverage when you’re getting one anyway…that sort of thing.  Works like a charm.

14. Do your best to make them understand that to be your friend requires them to be ‘perfect’ at all times and that they ought to be grateful for your friendship because you can do so much better.

15. Never EVER say you’re sorry. No matter what happens, even if you were caught red-handed at something do not apologize. Your ego and being ‘right’  is far more important than a friendship.  In fact, if you can learn to spin it so that your friend somehow ends up feeling guilty, you are top of the class!

Treat those foolish people like they don’t matter and soon enough you’ll find they disappear.  It might take some time though.  Many of these people actually do care and will hang on to the hope that you’ll eventually see how much they care and appreciate that.   Don’t give up though.  Persevere and you will soon be all alone and isn’t that what you wanted after all?

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Okay I know this was not a ‘real’ post.  Sometimes when we get a message in a different way, the point is better made.  Plus, I love sarcasm!  Do you have any hints or tips you could add? I’d love to hear them.

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