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Posts Tagged ‘mindset’

Well, it’s Tuesday already…two more days until I embark on a road trip to partake in the second of three very long, but fabulous, weekends of training.  It really is a bit crazy but I’m so happykeep-calm-two-more-days to be there it doesn’t matter.  Mind you I pretty much collapse into bed but that’s okay; I have to get up early anyway!  Crazy town?  Perhaps but I can’t wait to get there.

No kidding…as long is it, you know what? In addition to being really excited about getting to hone the skills I already have and learn some new ones – I’m really excited to see the people who are going to be there.

There are some amazing – no freaking amazing people in this group.  I’ve gotten to know a few of them much better because of the way the studies are set up in between the 3-day weekends.

I can’t wait to give some of them a BIG hug.

Truly, for me half of the joy of deciding to sign up with iPEC (the school I’m training with) is finding all these people who kind of think just like me!   Holy crap they ARE out there!

I know I’ve said it before in other posts but us humans are not meant to go it alone in this life.  We are meant to make connections, learn from each other and offer that hand up when we can.  I don’t think alone is our natural state.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am very comfortable being just with myself and to be honest, sometimes I need it.  But to FEEL alone, well that is another story.  That is loneliness.  And that hurts.

It hurts more I think to feel alone in sea of people who you think care about you too.  Not being able to express your ideas, thoughts or what your soul’s light is shining is really painful and frustrating.  No one wants to feel judged because of who they are deep inside – so we keep it hidden or we feel like we are banging our heads against a wall.

Finding people who I can easily be understood by and who ‘get’ me was like unlocking a treasure box…it feels like coming home. I get what people mean now by the idea of finding your tribe.  Your tribe is people who, while not walking your path, parallel it enough that there is connection, understanding and shared excitement and joy about the same sorts of things. (tweet this)

You know what I mean?

So, I’m looking forward to seeing all of them again, learning and laughing and the occasionally teary session. Some powerful stuff coaching and we all go through it together.

Have you found some of your tribe?

 

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ps. If YOU want to become part of MY tribe too (and I hope you do!) you can start by getting my monthly newsletter in your inbox.  Just register your email here and you’re good to go. Yay!

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Many of my regular readers know that a few years ago I was in a car accident and suffered some injuries from that which left me in quite a state.

What many people don’t realize is that despite creating a lot healing in my body and mind,   I am still usually managing my life in a state of pain.  Now this ebbs and flows with how bad it actually is and for the most part I don’t allow it to impede too much of my life.

It does affect me more than I let on…but I’ve learned to be so grateful for what I can do and let the rest of it go.  I also don’t like to focus my energy on this aspect of my life and so don’t often bring it up.  I do so today because it’s part of the message and needs to be said to make the rest of this make sense.

What doctors and people don’t tell you about constant pain, even when you can get up and out to do things; is how exhausting it is.  Truly, it wears you out even when you feel like your handling it.  It’s just how it is.  I drop faster than I used to and it’s much harder to gather up my energy to push through.  I can and do, but at the same time I will not send myself into a tailspin because it’s also a much longer recovery.

What I have discovered is I have had to walk away from some people in my life who refuse to ‘hear’ what I’m telling them in any sort of compassionate way.

a_true_friend_button-p145655074167690832t5sj_400Well, to be honest, the first year of my accident really showed me who was in my life to stay and who were – what’s the phrase – fair-weather friends?

A lot of people dropped away when I couldn’t “do” for them anymore.  It hurt for a while, but now I realize that this might have been a gift.  Seeing the true colors of people also showed me who would be standing by me when I was in real need.  The colors on those folks are simply beautiful.

However, these days it’s not so black and white or colored.  Self-care is a big issue for me because I have BIG, crazy and passionate dreams to fill and that means sometimes I need to take a time out and or limit things.  I am aware I can’t do it all, at least not all the time.

In fact, I think we all do, I’m just really aware of how fast I can drop to burned out.  I can’t afford that anymore.  I learned the hard way that it’s far, FAR better for me to take a day of rest and quiet me-time than it is to push too hard and end up in worse pain that keeps me from doing anything other than basic survival for days.

If I didn’t tell people I need to recoup or why I have these limits, I would totally get the confusion.  But I have a couple of people in my life I’m letting go of because they refuse to accept it and refuse to show any understanding or compassion.  I’ve realized the ‘stuff’ they want to do with me isn’t about our friendship or spending time together. I’m simply a person to fill a space.

I refuse to be made to feel guilty, manipulated or shamed into doing something that will cause me grief and put a hold on my life, simply because of someone else’s desires. Clearly this does work for them some of the time with some of the people, but I gotta say,  it’s not cool to treat anyone like that.

I kid you not when I tell you I’ve been called ‘party-pooper’ and it’s been suggested I’m not ‘fun’ (all in front of a crowd!).  I’ve agreed to meet and do one activity and then been harassed and annoyed by repeated attempts to force the issue to do something else I’ve made clear I do not want to do.  Seriously?  Do those tricks work?

The favorite one is the tricky start off question.  You know…so what are you doing this Saturday?  If I said nothing in particular, they act like there is no reason you can’t come with to an event or do them a favor.  What they fail to realize is I don’t need a reason or excuse.  ‘No thanks’ works just fine.

There is one person who actually gets ticked off when they don’t get what they want.  I guess they aren’t used to someone saying no to them because of the way In-the-end-these-things-matter-most-How-well-did-you-love-How-fully-did-you-live-How-deeply-did-you-let-go-Quote-by-Buddhathey ‘ask’ for favors.  Interestingly enough, they are never able to return the favor.  I also rarely hear from this one person until the moment they want one of these favors.

And the gossip and complaining! Oh don’t even get me started on that.  I can only take so much of that on any good day.  That alone is exhausting don’t you think?

And all that is perfectly okay.  It does sort of seem that we are not sharing the same head space.  I don’t want play those games and have the kind of energy floating around.

I know that this kind of stuff isn’t what I want around me.  I dislike these forms of manipulation, but more importantly I’ve realized how lacking in compassion these relationships are.  Don’t get me wrong, I think these folks are really nice people at heart, but as I said, we aren’t in the same mindset about what life is for.

I would rather cultivate relationships that are based on mutual passions, compassion and kindnesses.  Wouldn’t you?

So yes, I’m letting go of these relationships.   Some completely, some just in a very diminished sense.  And it feels good.  It frees up space and time in my life for those who have similar mindsets to come fill.

Not every relationship is meant to be a life-long one.  I really do believe that some people come into our lives to bring lessons.  Once that lesson is learned we need to move on.

The point is, I am a lot more aware of what I will and won’t tolerate in my life and boy, does that ever make things clear!  I have also learned that things cannot drag us down if we stop holding onto them.

So I ask you.  What are you tolerating in your life that you can let go of?

 

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so-what-is-joy-anywayWhat is joy?  The online dictionary defines it as “A feeling of great pleasure and happiness”.

This is not how I would have defined joy.  I think it’s so much more than that.  It reaches far deeper than just feeling  happy.

Happiness, in my view is a reaction to events that are unfolding or remembered.  It is a wonderful feeling.  Just as sadness is a reaction to events.  These are emotional responses.

I think of joy as more of an attitude and a way we can approach life.

Joy is what we have when we learn to find the good in all things.  When we live in gratitude, we cultivate joy.

Joy comes from the wisdom to know the difference between what matters and what can be released back to the universe.

A few years ago I learned how joy can be found even in the midst of the worst experiences.  Actually I should scrap that…it isn’t found, in all truth it is really brought with you because it comes from deep within us.

Someone very close to me passed away quite suddenly.  I had never experienced such incredible depths of pain in my life.  The emptiness, loss and grief were almost too much to handle.  And yet, I was in such gratitude for the time we did have together, the lessons taught, the love freely given.  It was then I realized that the reason the loss hurt so much was because of all that I had been blessed with.

There was joy in that.

When you hold joy in your heart it’s much easier to be grateful and to live in the present.   There were times when I was physically unable to work due to a car accident that I wasn’t sure how I would eat.  Sometimes people asked me how I could still have such a good attitude towards life.

The truth is I think we all have to head down our own roads and along the way we are going to have some dark nights.  I heard someone say that we all take a trip down the rabbit hole at some point and I kind of love that expression.

You have choice just like Alice did when she went down the rabbit hole and had to wander in Wonderland.  She had many times when the choice was to do nothing and stay stuck, or eat the cookie and see what happens.

I think when you approach life with an attitude of joy, you would eat the cookie.  You realize life happens and there is a lot of opportunity to experiment with it if you only have some faith in yourself and in that the world is essentially a good place with lots of wonderful people in it.

Joyful people talk and act differently.  They approach everything they do with a positive attitude, even the hard things. They build people up rather than tear them down and speak in an uplifting way.  They live from a place of love rather than fear.

You see ‘joy’ is within us.  It’s a choice, a lifestyle even.  When we take our trip down the rabbit hole, we bring it with us and we only have to choose to embrace it.  This is why some people can find peace even among chaos.

It’s my thinking that being able to hold joy in your heart is a sort of wisdom; a deeper understanding of the connectedness of life and all that is in it.

What would it mean for you to make a commitment to choosing to live with an attitude of joy?

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Sometimes we get to decide to make a change, sometimes change gets to ‘surprise’ us. Interestingly enough the strain on us often isn’t much different as we try to come to grips with what’s happening.

There is a perception out there in the big world that change is bad. That bad things happen when things change. Even when change is for the better we talk about having to ‘let go’ and ‘move on’ with such a sad feeling.

I’ve been the victim of unexpected change (so to speak) myself. Many times over but some things certainly stand out. I’ve also been the agent of change in my life and realize that even that isn’t easy.

The thing about change is it isn’t comfortable and it takes effort and energy – even when it’s something we really want. I’m sure I’m not the only one that gets really excited about some new project or and then gets those nervous butterflies just before taking that first step? You know where your inner voice says “whoa there, you crazy?”

Why is that? What is it about change that makes us resist it so much? Be it a small blip or a sea of change – what’s the real problem? After all it hasn’t killed us yet right?Jim_Rohn_Quote_Change

Change at its basic level brings with it a sense of chaos, of lack of control. We humans love to think that we are in control of everything that’s going on in our lives. Aren’t we cute that way?

Change shakes up that feeling of control and understanding. I mean if life is a game we play (of sorts) change is someone modifying the rules without telling us what they are and still expecting us to play and win.

No matter it’s going to happen and continue to happen to us, for us and around us. We will continue to create change for ourselves and learn and grow. For some people it’s an effort they don’t want to make but I think the Universe only gives you so long to start making the changes for yourself before it does it for you to move you along in your life.

That is what we do and how life it set up right?  It’s also how we get stuck isn’t it?

I think we have to learn to flip our view of change; embrace not knowing and be curious about the chaos rather than fear it.  We need to step up and simply accept change for what it is – a part of life, hidden opportunities and possibilities.  Stare that change right in the face and move with it rather than fight it.  We have to start remembering that life gets better with change if we let it.

When we get to move on we can choose how to respond to that.  Have you ever heard the Dr. Seuss quote “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”?

My acceptance of the lesson on change came when I was struggling to deal with the after effects of my car accident and having to realize that I would never be the same person. In the later stages of healing I had someone ask the question “couldn’t that be a good thing?” I never realized that this struggle, the changes could be a gift that I simply needed to accept.

Things had changed. I had changed.  There is no doubt to that.  I was already on a path to where I am today but in fact, I was resisting it.  I wanted to move but was stuck in so many levels of fear and confusion over the how and the what and of course…the why.

This accident forced me to face many of the things I thought were holding me back.  At some point, I realized that even though it was a very difficult time and it brought about many unexpected, painful changes – it also brought opportunity.  It brought me to a place where I could step into my own light.  I healed more than just my physical body through this and I think the Universe felt the need to push me forward.  So while I don’t love thinking about what happened and how painful it was, I do often feel a sense of gratitude because it brought me so far and gave me as much as it took away.

Life is short and too many of us live as if we have another back up one stored away somewhere.  We don’t.  I firmly believe that when we learn to embrace the chaos in change and show up with love we will finally move forward into the life we really want to be living.

Learn to breathe, give yourself some time to adjust and keep dreaming your dreams.

 

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I don’t usually comment on things that are in the news but today I felt a need to.  There have been a lot of horrible things happen in our history. There has always been someone who thinks that hurting others is not only okay but somehow justified. Those who come to life full of anger, hate and cruelty.

And then, there are those who have stepped up into their own light and said no that darkness. Those who refused to allow it to seep any further and in fact push it back.

The number of these folks is growing and this shows me that the shift I believe is coming to our global consciousness is doing its work.

We have been taught to respond to the violence of others with righteous retribution. Vengeance, retaliation – all in the name of justice. While I do think that those who commit such cowardly crimes as the bombs that went off during the Boston Marathon need to be brought to answer for their crimes, I think on a bigger scale we need not answer this with a call for more hate, anger and violence.

We’ve done that many, many times before and how’s that working for us? We might throw a band aide on things but nothing really changes.

What if, instead of focussing on ‘getting them back’ – we focussed on how to mend the hearts and souls of those hurt. We instead recognize that compassion will trump hate any day of the week.  What if we looked to and supported the helpers rather than the war mongers?  We spread love and light instead of more anger and darkness?helpers

Really, do you think that the average person wants to go to war? I don’t. I think no matter what country you’re in, what religion you are, most of us simply want to love our families, live our lives in peace and in a way that makes sense to us.

The puzzle piece that is missing is the human race is so damn afraid of differences. Why is so hard to see that there isn’t one right path, every one gets there just a little bit differently.  Someone else’s differences do not impede your ability to find your own way.

I remember trying to explain to a small child the differences between two religions. I can’t even remember what they were to be honest but I do remember his reaction. A light suddenly came into his eyes and he said oh! it’s like how I call my mom ‘Mom’, but my dad calls her Helen and my cousin calls her Aunty but she is still my Mom.

In his own simple way he did get it. We are all heading to the same end, it really doesn’t matter what we call it, how we pray or where we do it. As long as we aren’t hurting any one or anything why does it really matter? How is it MY responsibility to force my way of thinking on anyone.

Really, do you seriously believe that one person, or one group has the entire truth of it all and everyone else is simply wrong? I think it’s incredible arrogant for any one group to believe they have it all figured out like that.

We need to learn to be accepting of difference and make that the new normal.

We need to begin to live with love and compassion first. Go out into the world and spread your light, share your love and practice compassion. Let’s make the light in this world brighter and brighter so that the darkness that lurks can no longer show it’s face.

Blessings to all, especially to those who are waking up to face the grim reality in Boston. Thanks and blessings to all those first responders and those who risked their own selves to help others.

As Gandhi said “Be the change you wish to see in the world”

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There is an interesting concepts being talked about these days and it centers around a lack of leadership; in the country, the government, our companies etc.

Let’s start this by clarifying what I mean. There is a definite difference between a leader and a figurehead. This is most easily shown and understood I think if we start by looking at an organization.

I’m sure we’ve all been in a position to have some experience with a person who is in a high level position that should require them to be a strong leader; but they are not. I know I’ve wondered how the heck some people rise up to slide into these positions, but that’s another whole set of blog posts!

You see, there is a huge difference in someone who is a leader and someone who is simply taking up space in the boardroom.

A figurehead fills a seat, perhaps they are good at getting some paperwork done, finding ‘projects’ to do and what have you. They may even motivate their staff from time to time by – and I quote – “lighting a fire under their butts”. Fear based motivation does work; sort of. I’ve covered that in previous posts but suffice to say it’s not long-lasting and the results are lower than if the motivation was intrinsic.

A true leader – well they don’t even have to be the top dog in an organization.  The real leader in any situation is simply the person who has the most influence, regardless of  what their actual title or position is in a company.

Now I’m sure you’re saying that’s all very well and good, but what’s the point right?  This blog isn’t about leadership in organizations now is it?

The point is we can use that comparison to learn something about how we are handling our own personal lives.

No matter what you do, how you do it or where you are in life you are the leader in your own life.  The question only remains around what kind of leader you are and how well you do it.

You make the choices, the decisions and decide the path that your life will take.  The question is how much influence are you putting out there on your life?  Or are you allowing others influence to be the main determiner?

While there is nothing wrong with learning from others, or getting advice we must be careful to view these folks as advisors to our own choices rather than assume they know what’s best for us and thought-leadersimply become the ‘yes’ men.

We should be exacting the most influence upon our own life.  Otherwise we’re really acting more like the figurehead in a business who motivates from fear, isn’t confident that they know best and who must micro-manage everything in order to avoid actually DOING anything of any real consequence.  They just look like the boss…but in reality…not so much.

So perhaps it’s time to start deciding who’s running this life.  This is what is meant by taking back your power…it means being the true leader in your life.  Knowing where you want to take things based on your mission, values and goals.  It means knowing that you know exactly what is best for you and being okay with taking those risks.  It means listening but ultimately knowing that this life is yours and yours alone.

When you trust that you do have the answers; when your find the courage to listen to that intuitive voice and follow your own light you will find amazing things happen.

Stand up tall, take a breath and know that you already are an amazing leader and person.  You got yourself this far…now step up and take it further!  Trust yourself and Be YOU.

 

 

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This past weekend I was at a 3-day intense (and I mean INTENSE) training weekend called Life and Leadership Potential.

I hardly even know how to put into words the power of this weekend on my energy, my thoughts and my  mindset.  Incredible? Amazing?  Even my moniker FABULOUS seems to be not quite enough but I think you get the picture.

When what turns into a 12 hour day of learning and fun and meeting some amazing new people feels like I just had a wonderful vacation you know you’re doing something right in your life.

This weekend I heard a quote by Bruce Schneider that said something along the lines of this world has a disease that is tearing it apart.  (I am paraphrasing).  That disease is ‘what’s wrong?’ mentality. I was shocked a little when I heard this.  Heck, I’ve WRITTEN about this before but this is the first time I’ve heard it put so perfectly.

Is this you?

We’re wrecking ourselves with this way of thinking.  Scary right?

Disease

  • A disorder of structure or function in a human, animal, or plant, esp. one that produces specific signs or symptoms
  • A particular quality, habit, or disposition regarded as adversely affecting a person or group of people

Think about the word…is means not at ease or uncomfortable.  We are all walking around unhappy, uncomfortable in our own skin and part of the reason is in our own heads.  We look for it.  We are almost addicted to having problems and drama.

The beauty is we don’t have to be this way.  We can shift that to a different default way of thinking.  Instead of always looking for the bad, the dramatic and the ‘what’s wrong’ in the world.  When was the last time you looked for what was right?

Now I have personally spent a few years working on this mindset shift and boy did the universe help out with lots of ‘stuff’ being thrown at me!  And sadly I’ve yet to have the test around how I’d handle winning the lotto. 🙂

You can shift everything at once. It’s not really sensible to expect that.  BUT we certainly can take some baby steps, make smaller efforts to affect change.

And you KNOW I believe that this creates a ripple in the pond effect.

So here are a few suggestions of how we can begin to build some energy that looks for what is right.

  • after your child brings up an annoyance at school with a friend, ask them what is ‘right’ with that friendship
  • in a meeting with your team at work, don’t forget to ask about the ‘wins’ they had that week
  • remember to tell your spouse why you love them (not just I love you…but why)
  • tell your parent about something they did that inspired you
  • find good news stories to share
  • when your tempted to complain about your kids/wife/husband/friend or whomever, instead consider what is wonderful about them
  • when things don’t go your way ask yourself where the opportunity is in it

These are just some ideas.  Not to many because I’m going to ask YOU for your thoughts because I know you’ll have brilliant insights.

What are you willing to do to start thinking in the “what’s right mindset” today?

Please share with me below some of your suggestions or perhaps there is something you can and will DO. Then come back and tell me how it went.

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