Someone I know asked a really tough question the other day. They were angry about someone who had hurt a child being allowed access to tv, computers and learning while in jail. The comment was something along the lines of ‘how do they deserve that?’.
The story was disturbing, but the question she asked remained in my head for a long time. She mentioned that she tries to have compassion for others in her daily life but can’t see how or why she ought to have any for someone who willfully hurts children. She really just wanted them to feel the pain that they had inflicted.
That’s a tough one. I had to take some time to think about that because I too struggled with the idea about whether ‘bad’ people deserve our compassion.
This is what I have come to realize.
There is a difference between an expectation of justice and one of compassion. At first, I thought perhaps I ought to feel compassion for a soul who is so twisted and tormented as to think harming a child (or any living creature for that matter) is okay. I imagine that most of these people are mentally ill, or have been abused themselves. What their life has brought them that led up to a horrible act might be worth my compassion.
But I have trouble there, as the majority of people who do bad things know they are doing harm and do it anyway. It doesn’t resolve my issues for those who steal or destroy or even discriminate. Those too are pretty awful crimes but do not always come from a mentally ill person.
So while we might start there…we must look deeper I think.
What is compassion really? It is defined as sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others. It should come from a place of love. How do you love a person like this though? You do so, simply because they are a creature on this earth as are we all. Should we deny them their humanity because of the way their life turned out?
Consider if this was your child. Would you stop loving them? Of course not. Love doesn’t work that way. You may not like them or their choices, you may even choose to remove them from your life but you never truly stop caring.
When someone does us – or someone we care for – wrong we have an emotional reaction that can be explosive. We want to punish and extract vengeance. We feel quite justified in this emotion and it is only natural I think. Compassion is what drives us to believe people can change and be rehabilitated.
Never has it been expected that having compassion for all creatures also means approval for all their actions. This idea of compassion does not supersede the idea of justice. It doesn’t mean allowing someone who is dangerous to wander the world either. But it means whomever is meting out this justice does so with a mindset that is able to see that everyone is suffering in their own way. Compassion ought to be the companion of justice.
When we fail to see the human being behind someone committing violence, then we add to the violence ourselves. Perhaps compassion, like forgiveness, is really more for us than for the perpetrator? We show compassion, not because others are or are not compassionate, but because we are a loving and compassionate person…period.
Is it easy to cultivate a compassionate mind for those who we see as ‘evil’? No, it really isn’t. But it is important to realize that compassion is an understanding of what it means to be an imperfect, flawed human being.
I’m still working this through in my mind and I’d love to hear your respectful thoughts on this.
Interesting read; I would say it’s easy to have compassion for people who are the victims but much harder to feel compassion towards people who are the perpetrators. We are humans, so often we don’t see in just black and white, there are no innately immoral and bad people, just people who have done something wrong, perhaps even horrific.
I love the comment you made about how justice is not the same as compassion, and certainly I feel that criminals do need justice, yet, often I find myself feeling sorry for them. What brought them to act in such a way? Was it the way they were brought up? Did they have a traumatic experience when they were young? It’s so easy to categorise people into ‘good’ or ‘evil’ but the reality is that people are far more complex than that. There are intricacies to everybody’s actions and unless you walk a mile in somebody’s shoes its too hard to judge. I’m not in anyway condoning the actions of criminals, most of the time their actions are extremely repulsive and they deserve the punishment imposed upon them, but you often wonder if they would’ve turned out that way if the circumstances were different. What if they were treated with compassion or respect? Could we have potentially avoided a disastrous event from ever occurring? I think it’s important that we ask our self questions like these, to make us understand the world in a far more constructive and helpful manner.
[…] I wrote a blog a while ago that got a lot of amazing responses. Ones that opened up new learning for me too. The blog was about whether we can or should have compassion for ‘bad’ people. […]
[…] empathy and compassion sound so simple on paper, but they can be much harder to put into practice when we encounter difficult people. […]
Compassion is a gift, like grace means unmerited favor. It is not something earned or given because it is deserved. It is given because it is needed. If we fail to express compassion, grace, forgiveness, and mercy in the sight of our children, how then can we expect them to grow up to become adults with these characteristics to temper the pain and violence that grows inside of people in the face of an unforgiving, merciless world devoid of grace and compassion?
It is a difficult thing to do, to show compassion toward those who have done harm, great or otherwise. It is easier, in my experience, with faith that there is a greater source of it for me and the harm I’ve done which enables me to share it with others. I’m not always there, but I’m improving.
Blessings,
Kina
Reblogged this on Upside Down.
I had never considered the definition of “compassion” before. It really speaks to me to have “concern” for others and when you use the perspective of a parent-child relationship, it all seems to make sense. We can’t always control how our children act, but there is still love, understanding, and concern there as we can share with any human being. Beautifully put, Bonnie! As always, you set an amazing example!
I’m not sure that “justice” demands punishment or depriving the wrongdoer of everything that might be construed as pleasure. Among the definitions for justice: “the quality of being just, impartial, or fair”. I’m not sure that compassion is necessarily incompatible with that… In fact it seems to me that under that definition it is perfectly possible to meet the standard of justice with compassion.
Bonnie,
Justice without compassion turns into a situation where we rationalize that it is okay to become like those we wish to punish. The reality is that the ones capable of committing the most heinous of crimes have already moved beyond the point where the are capable of feeling pain that matches the pain they caused their victims and families. We can lose our own humanity in the effort.
These issues about having compassion on “bad” people is greater and deeper than what to do about incarcerated criminals who have caused harm and damage. If we allow ourselves to ininitiate retribution and punish those deemed bad by trying to harm the way we have been harmed that can lead to the vilification of anyone who may do something which causes us pain. It can become a slippery slope and the hatred we harbor in our heart for someone we objectify as a monster can spread to others in our lives.
The point you made about compassion being for us much the way forgiveness is for us seems to me to be an accurate one.
Certainly those willing and capable of committing crimes that cause such devastating harm need to be removed from access to cause such harm and as others have stated a painful and negative background doesn’t excuse the wrong choices and behaviors. It is the understanding that allows us exercise compassion.
Be well,
Kina
You make some very good points in this post. Especially about how offering compassion or forgiveness is for our benefit. This phrase comes to mind, “Holding onto a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die” Bitterness only eats away at us, it is never worth it, no matter the crime committed against us. So much easier said than done though, because our human instinct is to protect ourselves from things that hurt us and cause us harm. We believe holding onto the pain will help keep our protective walls up and prevent us from being hurt again. It is a tricky issue indeed. Thanks for sharing. Blessings to you!
I feel strongly that we must try to separate the behavior from the person in order to feel compassion. I believe that God loves us, His children, but He does not love some of our choices and actions. By separating the two we can keep our compassion for the person while maintaining the position of hating a behavior. It’s okay to hate and despise what is evil behavior – but I can’t conclude that just because a person makes those choices that he is evil. Only God knows how we arrive at those behaviors, only God knows our hearts. It’s not for us to judge one another but to love one another.
Reblogged this on LifeRevelation and commented:
I am going to reblog this, not because I am in agreement with every tenet Bonnie puts forth, but because I believe she raises some very interesting questions that we need to ponder. Please take a few moments to read the comments as well, they contain several interesting thoughts…be encouraged!
being that the criminal is my son and unfortunately not just one of them but 2, I have a difficult time with compassion for them as I know what their backgrounds are, at the same time it took years to separate myself from them. I believe in justice, I believe if justice had been served, my boys may have learned some compassion for their victims if only they had, had consequences. I took on a lot of the guilt for their actions and saw little or no compassion for my self as a parent. Judges, juries, attorneys and police officers all put it in my lap, that I had failed my kids. I no longer believe that but did for years. With that said, my kids never hurt a child in the manner spoken of above either. I love my kids no matter what they do, it is not my responsibility to accept consequences for their actions. I have a hard time with compassion for them and have to work on my feelings for them constantly. Compassion is difficult because, did I ever have compassion for the man that abused me? Not until after his death was I able to forgive him, my father I had compassion and forgiveness for because I new the circumstances in which he was raised. Then I got angry all over again when I realized that he knew right from wrong and chose wrong, much like my boys. So yes this is not an easy topic, but one I wrestle with nearly everyday of my life.
I think it is possible to have compassion for bad people if we “walk a mile in their shoes.” I agree that compassion comes from a place of love. You don’t have to agree with the other person but you can seek to forgive and understand their point of view.
This is a tough one. But we need to understand that most criminals come form backgrounds that lack compassion and care and ultimately make them the individuals they end up being. Also, when they have ended up being what they are, I feel justice and compassion need to be separated. The bad act has been done, but don’t they get a chance?
Hi Hajra
Interesting comments you leave and yes, it really is a tough one. I can’t excuse behaviour based on life experiences but I can understand them. The understanding is where we can learn to rehabilitate. I was surprised that you feel justice and compassion should be separate. Can you have justice without any compassion?
When I said separating the two, what I meant was understanding them separately. Sometimes justice says no compassion; while sometimes justice means compassion.
I understand that the terms overlap when it comes to situations like this but sometimes it is a matter of perspective. What is we think from the perspective of the victims family?
Ah..that makes sense. Thanks for clarifying.
In truth one of the things that made me realize that compassion isn’t just for when it’s easy to love or understand someone is when I read an article by an older lady who forgave and helped the man who broke into her home and robbed her. This woman had real understanding of compassion and yet was able to allow justice at the same time.
It was amazing.
Before you marry compassion with the justice system, remember that everyone gets the same chance in life. Yes some of us are poor, or without a stable family life or whatever – but YOU are the only one that makes YOU. Which I think is the lesson that lifestyle coaches try to pass on ….
Hi Vixis Thanks for your thoughts on this. It’s a tough one isn’t it? I don’t know that I agree though that everyone gets the same chances. I think we all walk very different paths and have different opportunities and choices to make. Growing up in a place where it is normal to steal or be part of a gang mentality is not the same chance as someone who grew up with loving parents who sent them to good quality schools. These people do not start out on equal footing at all.
That being said at some point you can blame your past or parents any longer. The choices you make are your own and you are so right. You make you who you are. You also are what can make things different.
This is why compassion may be the key to a better life for all. If you have never felt compassion how can you understand what it is? If you have never been taught gentleness or shown kindness, doing these yourself would make no sense to you.
We can’t change others behaviour if we only serve to act the same way can we? I mean…you can’t beat someone into being loving. You love them into it as best we can.