I learned very early in my life that things aren’t always fair.
Recently I have had to face a hidden part of my self, and it wasn’t pretty. What I discovered was a new level of honest and raw emotions.
To be honest, I’m in a weird sort of way quite impressed with how well I’ve ignored and/or covered up these feelings and got on with life.
But no more.
The pain, the emotions are out and they are staying out and they are going to change.
There has been a lot of people in my life who have, by actions (or lack there of) and by words shoved the idea that I was not really worthy of their time and affection. I could earn some of it by doing for them, or giving to them but I, by myself wasn’t really making the cut. So I became a giver of myself and in process gave away so much I ended up empty and lost.
I don’t believe for one minute that any of these people meant to teach that to a child and then re-enforce it over and over as an adult. I think, for the most part it was a double-edged sword. Maybe even triple edged…is there a triple edged sword?
My family repeated what they had learned. I don’t understand how they can not see the hurt, but they simply cannot and will not. I have had to learn to let that go. I have to hand that back to those people and let them own it until the day they are ready to deal with it themselves.
As I got older, I repeated this learned patttern on my own. I gave and did for others and didn’t value my Self. This included my time, money and love. And if I didn’t value it I was only going to attract those who also didn’t. Not bad or mean people…but people who were going to help me repeat this pattern over and over of not getting what I need. And at one point I was really in need emotionally and physically and ended up pretty much alone. You want to talk about painful? Yup..that really hurt and it still kind of does.
In the past, I would change myself, adapt who I was and what I wanted in order to keep the peace. I’d hurt, but never show it. I wasn’t even sure who I was anymore.
What I’ve learned is I’ve repeated these relationship dynamics over and over again. They hurt deeply, but it is what felt normal to me. I just simply made excuses and shoved my own needs down figuring I can just deal with it myself. As I mentioned … sometimes you can’t.
I wanted to change this. I started to see that it didn’t have to be this way. I wanted OUT of this pattern.
Sadly, it meant inflicting more pain on myself in order to break free. This is not an easy thing to do. It can be lonely and scary and well…leave you wondering if it’s worth it. This is really tough when your boundaries have to change with your family. People don’t like change, they get uncomfortable with you making changes especially when it affects the relationship. I had to, at one point step, back and decide to let them initiate contact and do some follow-up on the relationship. The lack of interest was heartbreaking for me.
The one big lesson I’ve learned is it’s far more painful to be lonely when you are with someone, then it is to be lonely when you are by yourself. I rather like myself and so don’t really feel sad at being alone.
I am learning my worth every day. I have found some kindred spirits who do value my spirit. It has taken a lot of time, tears and many, many lessons along the way. It seemed like each time I reach a new understanding, it opens up a wound that must be bathed in tears in order to begin to heal.
I find though that each day I am more ‘me’. I know more about what I need, what I want and I’m not shy about it anymore. I still enjoy being a giver, but only so far as I am happy doing so. I won’t wreck my health or life to make someone care for me because that isn’t real anyway.
I wanted to share this because I have also discovered that many people travel the same path and never understand that it can be different. It is possible and it is better. It was during this journey (and I say during because it’s never-ending I think) that I was lead to coaching. My life journey is taking me places I would never have suspected once I started living it in an authentic way.
Do you have trouble with boundaries and repeating the same types of relationship dynamics?
We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal of that which others have made of us.
Jean-Paul Sartre
I can definitely relate to this post, Bonnie. I am also working on breaking his very same pattern. I always thought I was doing the right thing by being nice and doing what other people wanted. But in end, everyone just took advantage of me. There is an old Ziggy cartoon that reads “Do a little more each day than everyone expects – and soon everyone will expect a little more”. 🙂 How true that is.
The pattern has been hard to break because I’ve literally had to rediscover who I am according to my own terms rather than defining myself by the opinions of others. I’ve always been like a sonar, constantly sending out signals and waiting for something to bounce back. Now I have to send that signal inward instead of outward. So it’s like learning to walk upright on my feet after walking upside-down on my hands all my life.
There is a fine line between being helpful and kind and being used up. I have come to realize that this line is crossed when I feel like I cannot say no at the risk of losing the person who is asking. I have a saying…there are always 2 answers to every request. People who know me understand that they need to be prepared for both…a yes or no.
I must say I love your analogy. We do learn to look to others to figure out how the world works and part of that is our place in it. Sonar is a perfect way to look at it. But at some point we must realize that we can choose to change it.
Thank your for your insights 🙂
I learned a long time ago that the only thing that is fair is that things are equally unfair. You are the only thing that can be controlled. You are the center of your universe. That means you take responsibility for your thoughts, deeds and actions. You chose. Now Bonnie, you know I love you and so identify with your journey. I am blessed to have learned very early some of the lessons you are now learning but I am also grateful that EVERY day is a new learning experience and that when I stay true to my purpose of helping others find and live their purpose than I enjoy my life more. Its why I keep pushing through all those challenges. It is why I can work around the ingratitude, the inequity and sometimes the hurt feelings.
Keep moving. Sometimes it is forward, sometimes sideways and sometimes backwards. Many people share your journey – and many need your story to continue on their journey. You inspire. Love and respect you Bonnie
Hi Roberta,
I’m not sure I would have agreed with you about all things being equally unfair in the (not so long ago) past. I look at it differently now. I realize that we all have our lessons to learn and our paths to follow. Our personal grief is not often public is it? Perspective can change everything.
Thank you so much for your love and support Roberta. You are such a beautiful soul and I’m so blessed to have connected with you!
I am reminded of the old say, “Insanity is doing the same thing but expecting different results.”
I honestly think it is very difficult to get out of a learned life pattern. It seems like we are drawn to people and situations that reinforce our old patterns of thinking.
However, HOPE is a very powerful thing. There is always hope that we can learn to make better choices and have a happier and more fullfilling life.
Oh no doubt you are very right about it being difficult. I think the biggest step (and perhaps the hardest) is looking at it honestly and directly. Once you can do that you can begin to alter your responses and choices but not until you do that. And it can be really quite a painful process as we (at least I did) have to accept things you’d rather just ignore.
Oh, yes… is the answer to your question. I’ve had three very deep friendships end the same way over the past twenty-five years. I let each kindred spirit in on my personal thoughts and feelings; each one left the relationship. The last one to occur, just within the past year, made me stop and think as to the reason why does this keep happening… what am I doing wrong? I vowed a few months ago that I would never let anyone in that deeply into my soul ever again. It takes a lot to go inside of yourself for a looksee, but it does help in the long run if you can be honest with the findings. I am me. I am Love. I am Spirit. I am Honesty. I am Forgiveness. I am selfish, too… there are things I want out of a friendship, as well. Like you, Bonnie, I worked hard to be the person the other wanted me to be. And if you can’t talk through the relationship, to salvage the friendship, then maybe it’s time to let go. This last break-up, though, just about did me in. But to not let it, I did what every writer does — write a book about the problem and the healing and the awareness gained. People say they love you just the way you are; however, it’s more the reason you are the way they want you to be. Thanks for the post today.. I needed to let go of a few things still…………….
I know some of your story around this PeggyLee. It is very sad when you have a friendship end. It’s hard to release that back to the universe and know that it will be okay. I think we should not have to feel like we are always working hard to have any relationship. Not to say we shouldn’t have to work at it…we do and we will from time to time. It just should feel like it’s mutual and worth the result.
Back in the day I used to think if I start expecting a pay check for what I’m doing it’s not a friendship anymore…it’s a job!
Thank you for sharing your emotional and very personal journey. I especially relate to “It’s far more painful to be lonely when you are with someone, then it is to be lonely when you are by yourself.” That sentence alone is invaluable. I made a major life change based on similar thinking and I haven’t looked back. Now my life is richer, filled with people who support my efforts and best of all, I’m a better person now than I’ve ever been.
While your journey and discovery have been painful, your life, no doubt, is already much better and fulfilling. I, for one, would like to be part of your fan club, cheering you on. 🙂