Be kind or be quiet

Ooh..I haven’t had a good rant for a while.

I’m not sure what’s been going on lately, but boy I’m getting tired of people who act like they are a victim in order to be horrible to others.  Justifying your crappy behaviour by acting like you have it so hard or that you are so much better or smarter or whatever and are trying to ‘help’  doesn’t make it any better.  It just doesn’t.

I know, I know…some of you might be saying “that’s what you see if you spend enough time on the internet”.  I wish it was just some crazy post on the net.  While that might be true I haven’t seen this many people unable to ‘hear’ themselves for some time both on and off line.

The nice girl part of me wants to apologise for this rant but I’m not going to.  It’s probably going to stir up some uncomfortable feelings for a few people and that’s good in my opinion. All I ask is that you try to hear the message.  

I’m fed up with folks who call out others for ‘picking on them’ and in the same breath try to knock down someone else.  Really?  Listen to your self!  I’ve had too many examples of this lately I don’t even know where to start.  

I suppose a perfect example of this is what a few of my friends have posted on Facebook.  Fox had some of its newscasters bash and mock Wiccan and Pagan religion.  (You can see the video here) In the same breath the female reporter complains that she isn’t supposed to say Merry Christmas and infers at the plight of Christians.   Sigh.   I have to say I was aghast that these people were not taken to task by the network, but more importantly I was flabbergasted that they couldn’t see the conflict in what they were saying. 

Or the case of listening to some adults make fun of a woman and her child because their clothes were worn and outdated.  I kid you not.  And in the same breath these women complain that they have such a hard time keeping up with their own childrens’ clothing wants.  I’m pretty sure they saw me looking at them in confusion.  Guess who is making that trendy clothing thing an issue?  

And this sort of thing has happened a fair bit lately.  Or maybe I’m just aware of it?  I’m not sure, but it’s really bugging me.

You know it’s like when people say ‘No offense but…” and then they are really offensive?  But think it’s okay because they qualified it with ‘no offense’.   For the record…It Isn’t Okay!

Aggg!  I get so frustrated when I see people so afraid that they might be diminished if someone else is able to hold their own differeing thoughts, opinions and beliefs.  Truly if yours are so shaky they can’t handle it perhaps you need to look at that.  If you feel so afraid to be the real you that you must cover it all up with “I’m a victim” and nastiness perhaps it’s time to look in the mirror and decide what it is you want to see.

Reminds me of the kid who isn’t winning and so takes his ball and goes home in a huff.   Belief systems, opinions, ideas are not about winning. 

Or the adult who says “but I only stated the truth” when saying something that is out of line or harsh and un-needed.  Please, there is truth and there is pointedly trying to seem better than everyone and make someone feel like crap.  Yes you are entitled to your opinion…but you can keep it to yourself.  My grandmother used to say be kind or be quiet.

To tear down another person does not elevate you.   It never has and never will.   Be it about what someone is wearing, their faith, their job or whatever.  Listen to what you are saying!

You know you can either give someone and hand up if you have the resources, or you can give them a push up if you only have love to offer.  Both of those things lift everyone up and the world gets better.  Rip them down and the word of hurt you are creating is the same one you have to live in.  Choose.

Ending rant here.   

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Negative People

People who are constantly negative suck the happy right out of you.  There is a term for people like this and it is ’emotional vampire’.  I like it..very visual isn’t it?

A lot of people will tell you to get rid of and away from these people who seem to only be happy when they and every one else is miserable.  I see the point they are making. After all, why let someone bring you down right?

The thing is that may not be possible for you.  So, great advice in a perfect world but as we know this world isn’t always so perfect is it? 

I guess we’re stuck having to figure out how to deal with those people – at least some of the time. Otherwise we might find ourselves out of a job, lost to family and friends and very much alone in our ivory tower.  Although it might be good to have that ivory tower, because you’ll need a place to live without that job. 

First, I want to clarify that I’m not talking about a friend who is going through a tough time and is struggling to be positive.  I’m talking about those people who can’t for the life of them find joy in anything – even the good stuff – ever. 

I meet them and heck, I’m related to a few.  Here’s what I do. First, I work hard to cultivate my own inner peace and self-awareness.  No one else’s actions can destroy those things unless you let them.  But the key is to have both in place.  When you feel the drain or frustration coming on you can step back emotionally and refuse to participate in the negativity. You may need to let them in your life and space, but  you do not need to let them in your head!

I’ve actually used the mantra “you may not have my inner calm” over and over while having to deal with difficult people.   I know how I feel and react is a choice.  I may have to constantly choose to let go of upset and choose calm over and over, but I can do that! And I do.

The second thing I do is choose how I view that person.  I can go with the ‘eww yucky, get your negative vibe away from me!” sort of attitude but that isn’t really coming from a place of compassion or love now is it? 

Instead, I view them with love and compassion; sometimes a bit of sadness to be honest.  I feel sad that they only know how to feel badly.  However, I don’t let them take my positivity, instead I give it to them.  Sounds odd I know, but the choice makes all the difference.

I share my joy with them.  I let it fill the room.  When you give love and joy it multiplies and cannot be depleted.  When you allow it to be taken from you it does get worn out – at least for a while. 

Emotional vampires are draining and can make life difficult and you probably want to limit contact with them if possible.  Some people, on occasion you may even want to take steps to remove from your life if they are very damaging to you and yours.  Cutting someone out completely is not easy or at times even possilbe, for many reasons; taking them in smaller doses may be a better alternative in some cases.

I’ve heard said that you start to become like the 5 people you spend most of your time with.  So yes, when you can, choose people who you want to be like and who share your positive outlook; but on the other hand keep in mind you have influence too.  Perhaps you can soften someone elses harsh view of life by sharing kindness with them.

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Kindness inspires Kindness

This concept is so hard for so many people.  It seems that we are quite capable of showing very deep compassion and kindness to other people; even complete strangers but struggle when it comes to doing the same for ourselves.

I have been witness to complete breakdowns and breakthroughs when a person is able to give themselves permission to finally do this.  As a coach I have been in a position when I have had to verbally give a client the okay to give themselves this permission.  They really truly needed someone they trusted to say it was okay.

I myself understand the struggle as I also have a hard time with this concept.  I can be really hard on myself at times; demanding far more from myself than I would ever do from anther person.

One of my personal core values is compassion. It’s up there in my top five.  And yet, I can still find myself having to use some self-talk to find compassion for my self.  I have to force myself to ask the hard questions, to back up a few steps and look at my personal expectations with compassion and understanding. 

Allowing myself to be imperfect and being okay with that is not something that comes easily for me.  I used to push myself hard; thinking if I only did that or this or just worked harder I could do it all.

Once I discovered the concept of living from my core values I also realized that I didn’t have  to do it all, and I didn’t have to do everything perfectly.  Today’s best is what I needed to look for and today’s best might have a lot still to learn.

Being kind to yourself gives you a sense of peace and acceptance that allows you to also find the same for the rest of the world much more easily. 

So, if patience and compassion for others is something you wish you had more of…start with yourself first.  Kindness inspires kindness!

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Why YOU matter

We move through our days and often miss out on how much what we do and say matter. It’s interesting to me to notice that it seems like it’s the little things that really matter and can make a huge difference in our life. Small things can change a day, change an attitude and even change a life. Don’t get me wrong really big things like a loss of a loved one or getting that promotion can make changes too but those I think are more expected and directly observable.

These small things I am talking about can be a positive like having someone offer a hand, hold a door, remark on enjoying your company, or just a simple genuine smile. These can really uplift your spirits. There are also really hurtful things such as being overlooked again and again, dismissive remarks, cruel comments, or even physical things. Even when a comment or action isn’t planned to be one or the either the impact is still felt.

We can crush another’s spirit with just a sentence that is off-handed and unthinking. We can move people to passionate responses or open their eyes with well-chosen phrases. The point is you DO matter. What you say, do or act like matters. Even if you are not aware of the impact you are having; the fact that you are simply moving through this world sends out ripples and waves that lap up against others. There is a saying that says we ought to be kinder than necessary because everyone is fighting their own personal battles. Be kinder than you have to be. That’s when your ripples being the good kind of changes; and that is why you matter.

I was sent a story that I’ve included below via email a long time ago but can never bring myself to delete it. It is a powerful tale of why it matters to be kinder than you have to be. In fact it still moves me even though I’ve read it dozens of times. I have no idea who wrote it despite my best efforts to find out, but it is worth sharing. I’d love to hear if you have anything similar to share. As they say the proof is in the pudding!

The Story of Kyle

One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, “Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd.” I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes.

My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, “Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives.” He looked at me and said, “Hey thanks!” There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play football on Saturday with me and my friends. He said yes.

We hung all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him. And my friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, “Damn boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!” He just laughed and handed me half the books.

Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors, began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn’t me having to get up there and speak.

Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than me and all the girls loved him! Boy, sometimes I was jealous. Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, “Hey, big guy, you’ll be great!” He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. “Thanks,” he said.

As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. “Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach… but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story.” I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his mom wouldn’t have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. “Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable.”

I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it’s depth.

Never underestimate the power of your actions; with one small gesture you can change a person’s life.
For better or for worse, we all impact one another in some way.

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