Is Your Relationship Being Run by A 5 Year Old?

Relationships…we live in them, from them and for them.  We fight for them, we hurt because of them and we hardly ever look any closer than that.

Whoa…I just slipped that in there didn’t I?

I know this Valentine’s Day many people will be celebrating with their partner the love they have cultivated with one another.  Others will be lamenting over lost loves, bad relationships and the lack of any ‘good’ people left.  They might even beat themselves up and figure there is something ‘wrong’ with them (there ISN”T). 

Listen, you have to know that when you are younger your relationship expectations were learned.  The problem of course is our experiences were rather limited. 

Imagine if the first person you ever crushed on was the one that you ended up basing all future expectations of what a relationship was like on.  Ohh…right…you kind of do.

Wait..it gets better.  It actually goes much MUCH further back.  (How far back it’s up to you to admit *ahem) 

You see, most of our belief systems were established while we were quite young.  There are differing opinions on how young and I think that’s fair because not everyone matures at the same rate or has experiences the same.  Still, most agree that certainly before we are 5 years old we have established a firm set of beliefs.

These are the what we filter our experiences through to gain understanding and purpose. 

Holy crap…think  about it!  At best, a FIVE year old is telling you how to see and interpret things!

It’s time to take a really strong look at what we do in our relationships and the dynamics that are there.  We don’t have to keep them the same or continue to repeat patterns that don’t help us.

One of our first and most influential influencers is of course our parents or primary caregivers.  We are all aware of course that they teach us many things, but did you know they also teach us what will are willing to accept from a partner later on in life? 

How they do that is not simply direct talking.  I hear a lot of concern over how we talk to our children and rightly so.  I”ve noticed a lot  of parents who don’t seem to understand that children take everything to heart; they don’t have life experiences to understand sarcasm or jokes or to infer mommy is tired and when she snapped at me it wasn’t personal.

That said, the thing that really brings home how to treat others and most importantly BE treated is by watching the dynamics between the adults who are around us.  Kids learn far more by watching what you do then they will by listening to what you say. 

Watching parents who have no empathy for each other, who talk badly of each other will give us this idea that it’s what people do and how they act.  We might find ourselves unable to apologise, needing to be right and controlling.  We learn to be accepting of this for our selves and we learn to treat others this way.  The good news is it doesn’t have to be this way.

So, here we are with a bunch of beliefs about how relationships work – both the give and take.  Ever look at them?  Ask questions like why do I think that? Or does it have to be that way?

I think it’s time we did.

Grown up relationships should be based on very different things in adult hood from when we were kids. 

If you’re not getting what you want in your relationships perhaps it isn’t that there aren’t any ‘good’ people left out there.  Perhaps you need to look inward and do some work.  Maybe tell that 5 year voice it’s grounded or to go play outside.  Whatever works.  Just know you don’t have to keep those beliefs; not one bit.

Time to step into your right to have matured, learned and be loved in a way that is good for you.

 **Valentines Day is about celebrating love.  Might I suggest you take the time to celebrate the love you have for yourself?

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Making Room

Last weekend I finally got around to cleaning out my closet.  Yay!

It wasn’t that it was terribly disorganized or anything…in fact it was in pretty good shape.  It’s just that I realized I only used about half the closet because I only wore about half the clothes I had in there.

Now granted, After my car accident, with dizzy spells and a broken ankle (not to mention a few bones in my foot) I wasn’t able to run or hit the gym and put on some weight.  I have been eating better and moving more and dropping some pounds but not everything fits as it used to you know?  (yuck..that was hard to share.)

Still, some things I actually was surprised to see.  It’s been a while and I had forgotten about even owning them.  Anyway..the point it I donated a few bags of clothes (including my ‘fat’ jeans – Yeah baby! ) and got everything organized again and back in the closet.   It looks lovely.  I actually enjoyed opening the door this morning to see everything unsquished and hanging nice and orderly.

I like to do that to my living space quite often. I get the ‘urge to purge’ as I like to call it.  And yes..I know. I may enjoy rhyming more than is normal, but I’m okay with that too.

I make room.  I make room to more easily enjoy those things I already have that I love.  I make room to bring new things into my home that I believe will make life better or more beautiful and sometimes I just make room! (Yes Charlie…that scary rocking chair is gone and never coming back).

The same goes for other things in our lives.  Including our own belief system.  It’s really important to on occasion take a look at what we are doing and why we are doing it.  Are we dragging out beliefs from early childhood to manage our adult life?  Let’s face it, there is a very good chance that isn’t doing us one lick of good.

It’s okay to look at something and realize it’s not true, not helpful or simply off.  Doesn’t matter.  You can get rid of it and make room for a new belief that will serve you in creating your most fabulous life. 

All these learned beliefs that make us victims in our lives can get replaced.   Still you do need to reach into your deepest places and pull them out. Much like I did to my old clothes tucked in the back of the closet.  I couldn’t decide what to do with them until I looked at them, dusted a few off and tried them on even.  A few much-loved pieces I wore often no longer felt right.  They had to go. 

My book Building Your Beautiful Light talks about this.  You can’t build up your light and shine if the window are blocked up by junk. 

You need to make some room.

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Control, control; Letting Go

In my last post, entitled What Time is It Mr. Wolf, I talked about how we need to listen to what our needs are today.  It does change as we grow and experience new parts of life. 

However, it’s not that post that inspired this one; it was something in the comments.  Yup, I read ’em and respond but Roberta’s comment started me thinking about something that happened to me not long ago.  I wanted to share this with you to not only show you I get it, I walk this talk; but to share an experience you might relate to.

It’s about my car.  I know, I know! I have written about that car before and how much I love it and how much it has been causing me trouble.  This time it’s a good thing. 

You see my car has been having some trouble staying running.  Yup, it will be driving along as nicely as you please and suddenly, I notice I’ve lost power steering and brakes.  You see the electrical is just fine so the radio and lights are all on…including the check engine light.  Luckily, I do have a clue and was able to safely get my car over to the side.  (picture me flexing my muscles–if you haven’t driven without the power steering before, trust me you need muscles!). 

As you can imagine this really gets the heart pumping. 

The first time I took it in, the garage plugged it in only to say that there was no code because the engine light comes and goes.  They didn’t know what to think and sent me on my way.

After a couple more times of this happening, I knew I really, really had to get it looked at again so took it to the far more expensive dealership’s garage.  Lucky me! The engine light was on and boom.  Found out the problem.  Mass airflow sensor (of course…why didn’t I think of that? lol). 

So just imagine, I’m stressed over driving my car there, shocked at the amount of $ they charge and tired from trying to get it done quickly with a minimum of fuss and annoyed because I have things I should be doing. I already wasn’t feeling well and was so busy!  So, the next day I’m back at the shop to pick up my car.  The estimate is nowhere near what I am told on the bill; it’s much, much higher. 

Crappity crap crap!

Well here’s the thing.  I had a migraine coming on since the day before (all this humidity I suspect) but I still didn’t want to relinquish control over what was happening.  The problem is I was having a hard time. My stress level was getting really high and I was having trouble trying to focus.  Migraines do that to me.  

Suddenly, my far more sensible brain piped up and said ‘you’re being dumb here, let someone help you’. 

So I turned to my boyfriend, who had driven me to pick up my car and asked him very nicely to deal with it for me.  I know he is quite good at speaking to (charming) people, he’s more than bright enough to figure the math and wasn’t feeling poorly.  I literally stepped aside. 

At first, I was a bit anxious and then I made a choice.  An on purpose, very deliberate (yup I was talking to myself ) choice; I let go.  I trusted that others had my best interest at heart and I let it go.  And I was able to relax and smile again.  He took over and took care of it.  In fact, he and the manager found not one, but two errors that would have cost me $250 more than I should have been charged. Whew!

I need to make this clear…this is not easy for me.  Letting someone else take over; letting..goodness asking them to; well it goes against everything I’ve learned growing up and how I dealt with life for years.   I had (still do at times) a belief that I must take care of my own ‘stuff’ or I was weak and vulnerable.  Oh…I think that’s the first time I’ve said that out loud and in public.  Yay me!

So, take away from this story that yes…we can learn to change and it does make a big difference.  We are not stuck in our roles unless we choose to be.  Our belief system is not always right and it certainly is not always working in our best interest. Perhaps at one time  it was something we needed but that doesn’t mean we should assume it always will be.

When was the last time you examined your belief system?  When was the last time you let go of something that wasn’t serving you anymore?

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