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Posts Tagged ‘let go’

Many of my regular readers know that a few years ago I was in a car accident and suffered some injuries from that which left me in quite a state.

What many people don’t realize is that despite creating a lot healing in my body and mind,   I am still usually managing my life in a state of pain.  Now this ebbs and flows with how bad it actually is and for the most part I don’t allow it to impede too much of my life.

It does affect me more than I let on…but I’ve learned to be so grateful for what I can do and let the rest of it go.  I also don’t like to focus my energy on this aspect of my life and so don’t often bring it up.  I do so today because it’s part of the message and needs to be said to make the rest of this make sense.

What doctors and people don’t tell you about constant pain, even when you can get up and out to do things; is how exhausting it is.  Truly, it wears you out even when you feel like your handling it.  It’s just how it is.  I drop faster than I used to and it’s much harder to gather up my energy to push through.  I can and do, but at the same time I will not send myself into a tailspin because it’s also a much longer recovery.

What I have discovered is I have had to walk away from some people in my life who refuse to ‘hear’ what I’m telling them in any sort of compassionate way.

a_true_friend_button-p145655074167690832t5sj_400Well, to be honest, the first year of my accident really showed me who was in my life to stay and who were – what’s the phrase – fair-weather friends?

A lot of people dropped away when I couldn’t “do” for them anymore.  It hurt for a while, but now I realize that this might have been a gift.  Seeing the true colors of people also showed me who would be standing by me when I was in real need.  The colors on those folks are simply beautiful.

However, these days it’s not so black and white or colored.  Self-care is a big issue for me because I have BIG, crazy and passionate dreams to fill and that means sometimes I need to take a time out and or limit things.  I am aware I can’t do it all, at least not all the time.

In fact, I think we all do, I’m just really aware of how fast I can drop to burned out.  I can’t afford that anymore.  I learned the hard way that it’s far, FAR better for me to take a day of rest and quiet me-time than it is to push too hard and end up in worse pain that keeps me from doing anything other than basic survival for days.

If I didn’t tell people I need to recoup or why I have these limits, I would totally get the confusion.  But I have a couple of people in my life I’m letting go of because they refuse to accept it and refuse to show any understanding or compassion.  I’ve realized the ‘stuff’ they want to do with me isn’t about our friendship or spending time together. I’m simply a person to fill a space.

I refuse to be made to feel guilty, manipulated or shamed into doing something that will cause me grief and put a hold on my life, simply because of someone else’s desires. Clearly this does work for them some of the time with some of the people, but I gotta say,  it’s not cool to treat anyone like that.

I kid you not when I tell you I’ve been called ‘party-pooper’ and it’s been suggested I’m not ‘fun’ (all in front of a crowd!).  I’ve agreed to meet and do one activity and then been harassed and annoyed by repeated attempts to force the issue to do something else I’ve made clear I do not want to do.  Seriously?  Do those tricks work?

The favorite one is the tricky start off question.  You know…so what are you doing this Saturday?  If I said nothing in particular, they act like there is no reason you can’t come with to an event or do them a favor.  What they fail to realize is I don’t need a reason or excuse.  ‘No thanks’ works just fine.

There is one person who actually gets ticked off when they don’t get what they want.  I guess they aren’t used to someone saying no to them because of the way In-the-end-these-things-matter-most-How-well-did-you-love-How-fully-did-you-live-How-deeply-did-you-let-go-Quote-by-Buddhathey ‘ask’ for favors.  Interestingly enough, they are never able to return the favor.  I also rarely hear from this one person until the moment they want one of these favors.

And the gossip and complaining! Oh don’t even get me started on that.  I can only take so much of that on any good day.  That alone is exhausting don’t you think?

And all that is perfectly okay.  It does sort of seem that we are not sharing the same head space.  I don’t want play those games and have the kind of energy floating around.

I know that this kind of stuff isn’t what I want around me.  I dislike these forms of manipulation, but more importantly I’ve realized how lacking in compassion these relationships are.  Don’t get me wrong, I think these folks are really nice people at heart, but as I said, we aren’t in the same mindset about what life is for.

I would rather cultivate relationships that are based on mutual passions, compassion and kindnesses.  Wouldn’t you?

So yes, I’m letting go of these relationships.   Some completely, some just in a very diminished sense.  And it feels good.  It frees up space and time in my life for those who have similar mindsets to come fill.

Not every relationship is meant to be a life-long one.  I really do believe that some people come into our lives to bring lessons.  Once that lesson is learned we need to move on.

The point is, I am a lot more aware of what I will and won’t tolerate in my life and boy, does that ever make things clear!  I have also learned that things cannot drag us down if we stop holding onto them.

So I ask you.  What are you tolerating in your life that you can let go of?

 

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Lately I’ve been working on accepting my faults and mistakes of the past for what they were. Lessons from life.  I have made both little and big mistakes.  I have made bad choices at times that have hurt both me and others.

I made mistakes and messed up no doubt about it.  In fact, I think the worst mess-ups came from those times I allowed myself to be led from my path by others ideas of what was good for me.  I stopped listening to my own counsel.

I think we all do that sometimes.  When we forget the power of our own wisdom we really get off track.

So what I’d do is kick myself when I was down.   I beat myself up at a time when what I really needed was tender loving care.  I needed to be kind to myself and let the lesson come and learn it so I could move on.

The lesson I really needed to learn was that I am not my mistakes, my falling down or my screwups.   In fact, what makes me who I am is that I continue to get back up and try again.   I am created by my choice to learn from the past and let go of regret and guilt.

It’s a tough road though I won’t lie to you my friends.  I slip a lot.  Especially when I make another mistake.  However, I came across something Maya Angelou said that brought tears to my eyes. Exactly the part of the lesson I was still missing.  It was so simple but so exactly what I needed to hear.  “When you know better, then you do better.”

I mean think about how powerful that is when it comes to life.  We expect perfection from ourselves so often but what we should expect is when we have experiences we understand that this helps us know better.  Then, we can be better than we were before.  Not perfect…just better.

Life is for learning, experiencing and discovering what we can be.   Every layer we build or peel back means we can start to know better and do better than we did yesterday.

So when that nasty voice in the back of my head starts yammering about how I screwed up; or that guilty feeling starts rising I fight back. I tell that voice that at one time I didn’t really understand and didn’t know better.  I do now.  Now –  I do better than I did back then. 

I am not the same person I was last week, last month or last year.  Neither are you.  I am a better than I was.  Tomorrow, when it comes, will also find me better than today.

That is all we can ask of ourselves.  Regret, guilt and anger towards ourselves for not knowing better, not being our best self in the past is just wasted energy. 

The only thing you need concern yourself  with is knowing better so you can do better – even if it’s just a little better – every single day.

blessings

 

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In my last post, entitled What Time is It Mr. Wolf, I talked about how we need to listen to what our needs are today.  It does change as we grow and experience new parts of life. 

However, it’s not that post that inspired this one; it was something in the comments.  Yup, I read ’em and respond but Roberta’s comment started me thinking about something that happened to me not long ago.  I wanted to share this with you to not only show you I get it, I walk this talk; but to share an experience you might relate to.

It’s about my car.  I know, I know! I have written about that car before and how much I love it and how much it has been causing me trouble.  This time it’s a good thing. 

You see my car has been having some trouble staying running.  Yup, it will be driving along as nicely as you please and suddenly, I notice I’ve lost power steering and brakes.  You see the electrical is just fine so the radio and lights are all on…including the check engine light.  Luckily, I do have a clue and was able to safely get my car over to the side.  (picture me flexing my muscles–if you haven’t driven without the power steering before, trust me you need muscles!). 

As you can imagine this really gets the heart pumping

The first time I took it in, the garage plugged it in only to say that there was no code because the engine light comes and goes.  They didn’t know what to think and sent me on my way.

After a couple more times of this happening, I knew I really, really had to get it looked at again so took it to the far more expensive dealership’s garage.  Lucky me! The engine light was on and boom.  Found out the problem.  Mass airflow sensor (of course…why didn’t I think of that? lol). 

So just imagine, I’m stressed over driving my car there, shocked at the amount of $ they charge and tired from trying to get it done quickly with a minimum of fuss and annoyed because I have things I should be doing. I already wasn’t feeling well and was so busy!  So, the next day I’m back at the shop to pick up my car.  The estimate is nowhere near what I am told on the bill; it’s much, much higher. 

Crappity crap crap!

Well here’s the thing.  I had a migraine coming on since the day before (all this humidity I suspect) but I still didn’t want to relinquish control over what was happening.  The problem is I was having a hard time. My stress level was getting really high and I was having trouble trying to focus.  Migraines do that to me.  

Suddenly, my far more sensible brain piped up and said ‘you’re being dumb here, let someone help you’. 

So I turned to my boyfriend, who had driven me to pick up my car and asked him very nicely to deal with it for me.  I know he is quite good at speaking to (charming) people, he’s more than bright enough to figure the math and wasn’t feeling poorly.  I literally stepped aside. 

At first, I was a bit anxious and then I made a choice.  An on purpose, very deliberate (yup I was talking to myself ) choice; I let go.  I trusted that others had my best interest at heart and I let it go.  And I was able to relax and smile again.  He took over and took care of it.  In fact, he and the manager found not one, but two errors that would have cost me $250 more than I should have been charged. Whew!

I need to make this clear…this is not easy for me.  Letting someone else take over; letting..goodness asking them to; well it goes against everything I’ve learned growing up and how I dealt with life for years.   I had (still do at times) a belief that I must take care of my own ‘stuff’ or I was weak and vulnerable.  Oh…I think that’s the first time I’ve said that out loud and in public.  Yay me!

So, take away from this story that yes…we can learn to change and it does make a big difference.  We are not stuck in our roles unless we choose to be.  Our belief system is not always right and it certainly is not always working in our best interest. Perhaps at one time  it was something we needed but that doesn’t mean we should assume it always will be.

When was the last time you examined your belief system?  When was the last time you let go of something that wasn’t serving you anymore?

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