Communication is not a skill. It’s actually many skills layered one upon another. Listening effectively, expressing yourself, focus, reflection, clarity…and the list can go on and on. Just google communication skills list and see!
One of the most important skills in communication is your ability to filter information you receive and reflect on this. Our internal filters decide what we pay attention to and what we ignore when communicating with others. What we pay attention to can fuel our understanding of more than just the message we are getting. It also affects our understanding of the relationship.
Your skill at filtering information can change depending on what is going on around you or distractions. These can come in many forms such as
- emotional state
- outward distractions such as noise, kids, phone calls
- being tired
- previous negative or positive experience with the person
- nerves (ie with boss or a crush)
- bad mood or a really good mood
- your beliefs
- expectations of the person or the situation
- difference in personal style (some are bold, shy, withdrawn or in your face)
- self-protection mode (fear, rejection)
- situational (at work, late at night)
- message medium (email, phone, letters)
And it goes on and on. You can see how we can so easily get our messages distorted when communicating with someone.
I’ve been talking a fair bit lately about our inner stories and how they affect our daily lives. Well, here’s some interesting news. Our inner conversations are another great big and very influential distraction. These stories can distort messages received with the best of the distractions!
Think about it. How often have you thought things like;
- if only I hadn’t/had said…
- I wish they had said…
- why didn’t they do…
- why didn’t I do…
Let’s face it, the person we are trying to reach or who is trying to reach us, is probably dealing with their own distractions. Perhaps they don’t respond as quickly as we like or don’t seem interested. What do we often do? We internalize that, create a wonderfully negative story about it and go off to stew in our silent, inner, fuming that probably has no real relevance to what the other person is thinking or doing anyway.
Now you have a new distraction in your communication; negative emotions and imagery. Hmm..congratualations? Don’t think so.
Communication is tough enough without allowing our filters to help us create negative inner stories that add to the difficulty level. Keep it open, assume nothing and reflect on what messages you are receiving. Be gentle with yourself and others. Be aware of your filters and stand in the truth of them. If you are feeling in a bad mood and just not in a place to focus; ask the person trying to talk to you to give you a couple of minutes and tell them why. You own your filter; it doesn’t own you. Pay attention to it.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. ~Plato
Wow, such amazing feedback. It seems there is a lot of us working on listening and actualy hearing the messages. Our filters can mess up a message pretty easily and it can be a fairly reasonable task to stop, reflect and clarify. I think we forget and get so ‘busy’ !
Thanks all for taking time to share your reflections on this message!
I totally agree, Bonnie. Our filters can really mess with communication and you’ve given some great suggestions for improving things. Love the Plato quote!
One of the Four agreements is to not take things personally and another is not to assume. Our filters aid us to do both. Well written pose
Wow, Bonnie! This was a great post on listening and communication. I am a culprit of the inner story. I tend to carry conversations and formulate a response and as a result, miss details on what the other person is saying (just ask my husband!). I’m working on it though!
Wow..that’s a real insight Kristen. Active listening is a skill few master and yet it makes such a difference in the quality of relationships. Thanks for sharing that. You might want to check out my post called Listen up.
Wow! This post is something we can all relate to, Bonnie. =) In being observant and critical of my communication style, I’ve noticed that I sometimes don’t hear what the other person has to say because I’m trying to think of something witty and amazing to respond with.
I also think that we have to be careful about filters going the other way. =P We can be overly excited about a celebrity or role model that we don’t think critically enough about what they’re telling us.
Thanks for getting me to think! =)
Hi Bonnie, thanks for this reminder. I can tell you that when I am tired, I really struggle to communicate. It is definitely something I am aware of and before saying anything I regret, I let myself dwell on it a bit longer to see if it is my filter which is causing me to misunderstand the message. It usually is 🙂
Our listeneing ears need to communicate with our emotions. I agree Bonnie, that we need to be aware of our ‘filters’ and manage what we hear or assume to a positive level.
Really enjoyed how you ‘communicated’ this!
It all boils down to “perception is reality.” Just because I think you heard what I said doesn’t mean that what I said is what you heard! LOL
I don’t want to even get into how many times I had to read that lol But you are absolutely correct..our perception is our reality!
You know, we really don’t listen and even if we do we chose what to remember. That choice may not be necessarily to our benefit or important in any kind but it is what we want to listen.
The bigger problem is that we don’t LISTEN. We hear with our filters and then process the information the way we expected it to be- not the way it is.
As an example, if we are pro- a certain position, we hear folks who we assume agree with us and may not catch (way more than MAY NOT) that they are saying something completely different. Conversely, we don’t truly listen to what our purported opponents say and may miss a nugget. And, that’s just politics.
In business, you may miss a key point by a competitor, a customer, or some other party that can provide you with just the tidbit you need to capitalize on the situation.
As Bonnie says- take the time to L I S T E N!
Our expectations become one of our filters. Real listening should take place without expectations although in reality this can be next to impossible sometimes. That’s when reflecting and clarlifying really help.
Thanks for such wonderful insights and comments Roy.
I totally agree, Bonnie. It’s so easy to take things personally when what happened was not personal. We tell ourselves stories and then believe them. You have given us a refreshing way to think about it differently. Thanks for sharing.