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Posts Tagged ‘steps to change’

So, you’ve decided you have had just about enough of people trying to care about you and help you do what ever it is you have always wanted to do in life.  Good for you!

These tips can be used for just about any relationship’s destruction.  From a spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend, friend, co-worker, any relationship in the family of origin and more!

Hard to believe you’ve put up with people like that, all concerned and supportive, for so long.

So how to make sure you truly and completely ruin all these relationships?  It’s tricky, but I have some tips for you.  I hope you find all the superficial and empty relationships you ever wanted after you destroy the warm and  fuzziest – or better yet enjoy the emptiness of your own home.  Good luck to you!

Here you go!

1. Don’t call them EVER.  Make them call you each and every time.  Make ’em work for right?  After all you’re far to busy, important and …um…well busy to be thinking of reaching out to others.  Hey, they might think you care about them too! Can’t have that now can we.

2. The ONE exception to Rule #1 is only call if you WANT something.  Make sure you let them know what you need, and if at all possible make them feel guilty or pity. That way you’ll get what you want and no one will bug you about it.

3. NEVER repay a favour or kindness.  Like ever.  If they ask for a favour blow them off with some lame excuse.  The best kind of excuse is one where every one really knows it is either not true or can easily be put off or something.   It’s best if the other person feels let down.  Better yet if they feel down right rejected!

4. To go along with #3 be sure to never notice if a friend needs a hand or help.  Gloss over it or better yet, tell them why you have it so much worse.  If they are hinting – ignore it.  Force them to have to ask you (beg) for assistance. Then it is so much more delicious when you get to turn them down.

5. Talk about them behind their back.  Do not keep anything sacred or confidential. After all, people need to know you KNOW stuff right? Plus it makes them look bad or foolish or whatever and that makes you so much better doesn’t it?

6. No matter how clear their boundaries are keep pushing them.  Ignore or dismiss what they tell you any time you get a chance. 

7. Respect?  Demand it but don’t ever give it. Period.  People need to earn your respect after all.

8. Insist on having it your way, all the time.  At the very least, sulk if you get outvoted.  No matter what, you need to make sure everyone knows you don’t like what’s happening.  Complain and be negative as much as you can.  Insist it isn’t your fault – it’s just the truth.

9. Be critical of everything.  People who ask for your support are either ‘fishing’ for compliments (and YOU don’t give in to that do you) or being too demanding on you. 

10. Negativity is a crucial tool.  Learn to roll your eyes and sigh.  Act as if you are long-suffering (thanks to them) and have been a champ at putting up with THEM.  Shoot down every idea and make sure they understand they haven’ t ever had a good idea in their life.  Say nothing positive, no matter what.  Making them feel rejected is one thing, but making them feel useless and pointless is like striking gold. 

11. Bonus points for belittling their dreams and ambitions under the premise of ‘telling them the truth so they won’t get hurt’.

12. Let your friends feel that your bad mood is somehow directly related to them. Get them wondering what they did wrong.

13.  Be as inconsiderate as possible without being too obvious.  For example, be later than expected but blame ‘traffic’ – every time!  Don’t hold doors open, ask where the other person wants to sit, ask if they want a beverage when you’re getting one anyway…that sort of thing.  Works like a charm.

14. Do your best to make them understand that to be your friend requires them to be ‘perfect’ at all times and that they ought to be grateful for your friendship because you can do so much better.

15. Never EVER say you’re sorry. No matter what happens, even if you were caught red-handed at something do not apologize. Your ego and being ‘right’  is far more important than a friendship.  In fact, if you can learn to spin it so that your friend somehow ends up feeling guilty, you are top of the class!

Treat those foolish people like they don’t matter and soon enough you’ll find they disappear.  It might take some time though.  Many of these people actually do care and will hang on to the hope that you’ll eventually see how much they care and appreciate that.   Don’t give up though.  Persevere and you will soon be all alone and isn’t that what you wanted after all?

_______________

Okay I know this was not a ‘real’ post.  Sometimes when we get a message in a different way, the point is better made.  Plus, I love sarcasm!  Do you have any hints or tips you could add? I’d love to hear them.

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Lately I have been moving towards different goals. In the process I’ve been discovering more and more about my true self.  While this is very liberating and at the same time occasionally scary I have noticed something new.

I have been teetering on the brink.  The question I struggle with is the brink of what?

I can only explain in mundane words what I have been feeling but here goes.

Imagine with me for a moment.  There is an edge I can’t quite see over.  Be it a cliff or hill..whatever.  Moving closer brings with it excitement and it is also a bit scary.  When I get too close I pull back to the safety of where I was to take a breath…perhaps just a little closer than before.

I can see the edge and the blue skies beyond it but I don’t know what it holds.

I know, somewhere deep in my soul that I need to walk over to the edge and leap.  I know it.  But fear is a tricky thing isn’t it?

What will I find?  I am not sure but I believe I am becoming me, but even more so.  Does that make sense?  Ha!  Sometimes it doesn’t quite make sense to me.

I am reminded of my good friend Deone’s post comparing his journey to the butterfly.  I actually haven’t thought of that post for a while.  For some reason THAT was the post that showed up when I came to my blog this day.  A little whisper from the universe to move me along?  Perhaps that is what is happening?  Perhaps I am ready to transform, to leave or maybe build a cocoon and grow my wings.

It’s funny.  Not long ago I would have said I already did that.  That certain things which happened taught me so much about my own power, my own light and my place in this world.

I honestly  used to wonder what people did when they got it figured out.   Seriously. I thought…once you learn how to meditate or be calm what do you do then? 

Well, I can tell you that with every pair of wings you have grown; with every sky you have learned to soar in there is more.  There is so much more.  You can’t always see what is above until you can rise up. 

There is a story about how when you are on a train and it goes into a tunnel and gets dark you don’t jump off.  Instead you know to trust the driver to get you through the tunnel and back into the light. 

My friends…you drive your own train.  You can’t help but come across a tunnel once in a while.  Trust in your ability to find the light at the other end.  Some tunnels are longer than others but they all lead somewhere.  On the other side…the light might just be a little brighter.  You’re light might be a little brighter.  Things might just fit more perfectly then they ever have before.

Sooner or later I’m going to take the leap over that edge.   I can see the glimmer of light from the end of the tunnel I’ve been travelling in.  I know I will get there.   You’ll see.  I hope you find your next level of growth just as exciting and scary and that you too find the perfect time to go take a look at what you can become when you trust.

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Do you ever feel called to go somewhere..as if something is calling you home?  Only you aren’t really sure where that is?

It’s been as far back as I can remember that I have felt like I was not ‘home’ just yet.   I’m not even sure what that means.  After all my mind tells me that home is where you make it; where you’re loved ones are.

I have been turning this feeling over and over again as the pull is getting stronger once more.  For a while I thought perhaps all I was looking for was a fresh start or something new and exciting…but I can’t imagine that being it after all the fresh starts and new and exciting things I’ve experienced.

Oh sure the call quiets its incessant and restless nudging to get going…for a while, but it always returns. 

It makes me wonder, am I looking for a place? A feeling? Could it me I am meant to be somewhere for a reason?  I’ve read books on past lives, destiny and more to try to understand this strange need to search out some place.  The one I am looking for. Oh!  Why does the Universe insist on these cryptic messages?  C’mon…a quick memo or short note would be nice right?

What do you think?  Can you belong to a certain place…even if only for a while?  Or do you make a home?

I do not know what my next step is.  One thing I am certain of is this place, where I am not isn’t it.  I enjoy living here for lots of reasons but they are all really superficial and other than the ocean won’t be terribly missed.

Hmmm, I wonder is it a place or myself I’m looking for?  I can’t deny the restlessness and the wanting to move.  There has been no major upset or real reason to move other than I just don’t feel home.   It also seems like every time I turn a corner in my own personal growth and life the call comes back stronger than ever.   

I look around and it seems that most people are quite content where they are. I know from experience that looks can often be deceiving; especially when it comes to matters of the heart.  In searching for my own answers I looked to what other people think around the idea of home and came across this.

The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.
Maya Angelou

I certainly seems that I am not alone in my search for home.   Just what does that mean though?

When I think about what I am looking for I have a vision in my head.  It’s peaceful and quiet and green.  There is room to breathe.  My home, no matter how temporary, has always been open and welcoming to others, while still being my safe haven.  Truly you can build this anywhere, I have done so in many, many places.

This is going to take a while to figure out.  This is one thing I love about mindset mentoring…if I have a phone I can work from anywhere!  What I do know is there is a change coming.  What that will be is, for now, anyones guess. 

Are you home? How do you know?

 

 

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It’s easy to get hung up in the past.  After all it made us who we are, it’s our history and it seems to be hanging around all the time.

People define themselves by what went before.  They get stuck in those labels and definitions and beliefs.

Your past doesn’t define you.  It only shows you the path you have already walked.  You can choose a new one.

The hard part of course it taking in that deep breath and looking your past directly in the eye.  Many of my clients want to move forward but their past is holding them back from doing just that.  It’s like a chain that keeps them from ever getting too far from where they are.  You can break those chains with some effort on your part…but they will not break themselves.

First thing I want you to understand is there is only one person who can create and destroy the links on those chains and that is you.  Yup…no excuses about society dragging you down, family issues…none of it.  We all have ‘stuff’.  We all choose how we react to that stuff and what we let go of or keep.

Are you ready to start letting go?  I would bet good chocolate that you are, but you probably are feeling a little lost when it comes to the how to exactly do that.  Everyone’s journey will be a little (or a lot) different but there are some common lines we do follow. 

  1. You must value you. If you don’t do that you won’t have the will to face who you used to be.  Add to this the inner strength needed to look at all the highs and lows of the past you will have to face those who are uncomfortable with your changes.  You must get clear on why you are worth the effort.  Keep a gratitude journal to help you stay positive.
  2. You will need courage to use the kind of honesty with yourself that is required here.  It’s not always going to be easy to move through the emotions and truth, it will be worth it however.
  3. You need to forgive. Not just others, but yourself.  Making mistakes is being human.  Hanging onto and punishing yourself for mistakes you made in the past is going to strengthen those chains.  In order to break them you must accept your mistakes, your transgressions and forgive yourself.  Learn the lesson and let go
  4. You must be willing to change your old patterns and behaviour.  What those will be will of course be dependent on where you want to go with your life. However, if you continue to do the same things you will have the same results right?  There must be a willingness to accept and work at change.
  5. Face the pain.  Most of us don’t really deal with past pain.  Instead we push it away and let it sit just on the edge of our life where it hovers and holds us back.  It seems easier and certainly some days it is what we need.  Still, in order to move out from our past, we must move through the painful experiences and deal with them head on.  I have had to do this numerous times.  It isn’t easy but certainly is cathartic.
  6. Know that it takes time.  These chains were not built in one day, nor will they all be broken in one.   That is true, but everyday you spend not doing anything to let go of the past and build a brighter future is another link in those chains.

The first step in changing our lives into ones where we find peace, joy and love, in spite of our issues is acknowledging that we can.  The second step is letting go of the past hurts, labels and beliefs.  From there, the world begins anew.

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Failure is an option.  A perfectly valid one.

Doing nothing is also an option and so is staying so completely stagnant you end up bored to tears with your own self.

In fact, I would say that these are the easiest ways to live your life. And a great deal of people choose this easier route.

Shocked?

Why?  Failing is sooooo easy!  Sheesh I do it all the freakin time.  Mind you I’ve yet to stay down.  I guess I’m missing the easy path?

Now success…that sucker is hard! 

Ya, success is a really tough task master.  You’ve got to really work at that you know? 

There is a high price for success if you really stop to think about it.  You have to struggle through many failures instead of just giving up and saying ‘at least I tried’.   You pay for success with dedication and working your butt off.  Often it requires real sacrifice in the form of time and energy.

Gosh, you are going to have to use a ton of willpower and learn loads of new things if you want to be successful.  You’re going to have to mind your mindset and watch that self esteem. You are most definitely going to have to face many of your own fears and look them dead in the eyes.  Courage must be dug up from the depths of your soul to feed your determination. 

Why do we do all this when staying stuck, failing and falling into a rut is so much easier?

Passion. It pulls us, it pushes us and it whispers in our ear when we sleep creating big, beautiful dreams that must be answered.

Great leaders, successful winners are not born.  They just heed the call.  They understand that they must grow as a person if they want to improve they rest of their life be it career, family or whatever.  Then they sweat, toil and then reap rewards.

They don’t give up easily and they listen to the divine whispers that tell them they are here for a purpose.

What are you listening to?

 

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It’s been a heck of a month.  December is looking just as amazing.

What happened?  I happened; I started saying yes!  Hmmm, I suppose I need to start from the start to make sense.

Not that long ago I was struggling to make sense of my ‘stuff’.  Some of that stuff I’ve shared here and there but needless to say I think we all have the same kind of stuff.  You know, the stuff that confuses us, muddles our brains, keeps us stuck and frustrated.  I wanted to start to play a bigger game in my life once more but was feeling as though I had no idea where to go and how to get there.

Some of that stuff was about Rivendell, some surrounded friends and some was much more personal and painful.  So what happened?  Why is it I suddenly found myself with opportunity? Suddenly started making strides forward to gaining ground on my own dreams?

I said yes. 

It really was that simple.  I stopped getting in my own way and letting fear run the show.  I kicked worry and self-doubt OUT of the driver’s seat.  I said yes.

Truly what we need, our opportunities are all around us.  Sometimes things are hiding in plain sight simply because we can’t see past our own FEAR.  The thing is in order to get past the fear and stop feeding into the eternal loop of self-doubt we have to change our behaviour.  That may mean we stop staying ‘not today’ or ‘I’m kind of busy’ and we DO it anyway.  We leave the excuses by the roadside instead of letting them navigate.

Ever hear of ‘reaching for the brass ring’?  Ever been on a carousel or merry-go-round? At one time, the riders on the outside row of horses were often given a little challenge. Once the ride started moving, an arm was swung out that held a single brass ring, which riders could try to grab as they passed. Anyone who managed to grab it could trade it in for a free ride.  But you had to take a shot and reach for it.  It’s come to symbolise a really wonderful prize.  You couldn’t sit there forever and keep telling yourself you’ll go for it on the next ride around!  Eventually you have to stretch.  This is what I decided to do by saying yes. 

In September, I made a deal with myself to say yes to every opportunity that came my way.  It wasn’t always easy. Sometimes I really didn’t feel like it, I’d rather do something else, or I was actually busy…but I did it anyway.  A few times I was downright afraid to take the chance…but I did it anyway. I kept the faith.  Once I started to say yes, even to the little things, I discovered that every ‘yes’ brought more opportunities to say yes to!  Law of Attraction anyone?

To be honest my fear came close to talking me out of a couple of things even after I say yes.  I almost turned right around and said I would be unable to present at the tele-summit I did because, in all truth I was actually quite busy; but mostly I was scared.  It was new territory for me and I almost let the busy excuse ruin a really exciting experience. 

I came close to letting my new eBook slide because of…well I had a ton of reasons (ya I know..excuses) but I did it anyway.  A few times I was really tired, done for the day and yet I persevered.  Kept at it because it’s what I needed to do.   This stick-with-it attitude allowed me to not only write my own blog but to also write a really great, first-ever, guest blog over on my good friend’s page. It’s been a while since I’ve felt like I really can do it all and boy does it feel good.

I also started saying yes to me.  I let go of some stuff, I took time to do what mattered to me and I took time to visit with people and share some of their life.  Many of you know I was in a bad car accident two years ago.  My injury made it really heard to socialize for a while and I really withdrew for a bit to recoup.  Somehow I  lost touch with who I was.  I wanted that back.  I’ve since found myself with a really active social life in a fairly new city; if this keeps up, I may have to revisit saying yes to everything! 

When we learn to say a deep, passionate yes to the things that really matter, then peace begins to settle onto our lives like golden sunlight sifting to a forest floor.
~Thomas Kinkade

I’ve said yes when I felt like singing out loud, yes to smiling at perfect strangers because they seemed to need it, yes to doing a happy dance and yes to me…yes to allowing myself to feel and express joy.  And you know what?  It feels really good, fan-freakin-tastic actually! 

In saying yes I’ve found there is so much that the universe is already offering me.  I’ve found my own inner strength growing and my belief in ME is getting stronger once again.

Saying yes is just as important as learning to say no.  Sometimes we do need to say no if something truly doesn’t fit our plans.  But how often do we say no and end up denying ourselves the very thing we say we want?  And then don’t we love to complain that life is unfair or screwing us over?  Saying yes means you are telling the world you are ready and you mean it.  Even so, when you say yes to what you want, it can actually be kinda scary.  Saying yes and going for it also means you might fail, you might get disappointed or hurt.  BUT watch that mindset spin around on its head when you say yes to that too!  That my friends is where learning and growth start.  And that is a very good thing. 

So, what are you going to say yes to? What is YOUR brass ring?

 

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You should not surround yourself with negative people but instead with those who support you and lift you up.

This message, or one very close to it and been showing up in my life recently.  I have started seeing it or a version of it all over the place.  Is the universe sending me an important message? I have yet to figure out if that what these messages are or if I simply am on a path that allows me to see these things more clearly.  Either way it’s permeating my everyday.

I’ve seen it in facebook status’, blog posts, twitter and now even more clearly in a book that I’m reading. 

So I have to stop and think about what this means.  I still have more thinking to do so of course I welcome your perspectives and thoughts on the matter but here’s where I am right now.

Negative doesn’ t always mean bad. The people in my life are not bad people (no one verbally or physically abuses me or steals from church charity bins or anything) so what does this really mean?

I’ve noticed that some people are so afraid of their own possibilities, resistant to putting out effort to grow and fearful of anything that might hold a mirror up to their false sense of ego that when ever some one else is reaching higher it triggers this as well.   I really don’t think most people intend to drag you down.  But they will.

Negative thinking people will tell you why you can’t, what might happen and refuse to help you move through the difficult things.  Let’s face it sometimes when we are struggling simply having someone tell us that we are amazing and can do it can change the whole world. 

I realized I have people in my life right now like that.  More worried about how my growth and dreams will impact THEM.  It’s not malicious and probably not even a conscious plan or thought.  But the words and actions when a dream is just beginning to grow can destroy such a fragile thing.  Intentional or not there is a feeling of foolish shame that can be given that can stop us dead in our tracks or at the very least create an incredible sadness.

So what to do when you know the person in question does care in a very real sense?  You can’t or don’t want to exclude them from your life but want to pursue your dreams?

Right now I say keep your plans and dreams in your heart.  Find someone who can lift you up and support you.  Share these goals with them.  Let yourself flourish and the dream grow stronger before you bring it out into the big, wide world.  As my friend Deeone Higgs suggests…every metemorphisis creates a thicker tougher skin. A metaphor that I borrow here about your dreams.  Let it be created and grow and change a few times.  Let it be stronger with a thicker skin so it can more easily survive any negative energy thrown at it.

Perhaps seeing you shine will shed some light on the dark fearful places of those around you and dispel some of the fear and thus negative energy.  Perhaps you will see that you are enough…and more than strong enough to be fabulous!

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