People who are constantly negative suck the happy right out of you. There is a term for people like this and it is ’emotional vampire’. I like it..very visual isn’t it?
A lot of people will tell you to get rid of and away from these people who seem to only be happy when they and every one else is miserable. I see the point they are making. After all, why let someone bring you down right?
The thing is that may not be possible for you. So, great advice in a perfect world but as we know this world isn’t always so perfect is it?
I guess we’re stuck having to figure out how to deal with those people – at least some of the time. Otherwise we might find ourselves out of a job, lost to family and friends and very much alone in our ivory tower. Although it might be good to have that ivory tower, because you’ll need a place to live without that job.
First, I want to clarify that I’m not talking about a friend who is going through a tough time and is struggling to be positive. I’m talking about those people who can’t for the life of them find joy in anything – even the good stuff – ever.
I meet them and heck, I’m related to a few. Here’s what I do. First, I work hard to cultivate my own inner peace and self-awareness. No one else’s actions can destroy those things unless you let them. But the key is to have both in place. When you feel the drain or frustration coming on you can step back emotionally and refuse to participate in the negativity. You may need to let them in your life and space, but you do not need to let them in your head!
I’ve actually used the mantra “you may not have my inner calm” over and over while having to deal with difficult people. I know how I feel and react is a choice. I may have to constantly choose to let go of upset and choose calm over and over, but I can do that! And I do.
The second thing I do is choose how I view that person. I can go with the ‘eww yucky, get your negative vibe away from me!” sort of attitude but that isn’t really coming from a place of compassion or love now is it?
Instead, I view them with love and compassion; sometimes a bit of sadness to be honest. I feel sad that they only know how to feel badly. However, I don’t let them take my positivity, instead I give it to them. Sounds odd I know, but the choice makes all the difference.
I share my joy with them. I let it fill the room. When you give love and joy it multiplies and cannot be depleted. When you allow it to be taken from you it does get worn out – at least for a while.
Emotional vampires are draining and can make life difficult and you probably want to limit contact with them if possible. Some people, on occasion you may even want to take steps to remove from your life if they are very damaging to you and yours. Cutting someone out completely is not easy or at times even possilbe, for many reasons; taking them in smaller doses may be a better alternative in some cases.
I’ve heard said that you start to become like the 5 people you spend most of your time with. So yes, when you can, choose people who you want to be like and who share your positive outlook; but on the other hand keep in mind you have influence too. Perhaps you can soften someone elses harsh view of life by sharing kindness with them.
Hello, Bonnie. I finally got around to reading your article. I’m generally a positive person, follow the law of attraction, volunteer a lot of time in the community, and help a lot of people through Hospice as a grief facilitator. I’m a trained listener and enjoy listening to people’s stories. So with all that you’d think I wouldn’t have any problems. Just the opposite. For some reason, since about March of this year, I’ve been dealing with lots of negativity. Even though I feel calm inside, I also feel off balance and just frustrated with the whole thing. Earlier this year I was selected as Entrepreneur of the Year by a women’s group. I should have been the happiest person on earth. I was for a day. Then after that I haven’t been able to motivate myself to do anything. It took me a couple of months to feel comfortable wearing the sound of it. So instead of selling, I’ve been investing in my business with workshops and seminars, and learning new things. But, I just don’t have a desire to sell. Why this negative response to a positive outcome? One thing about the award is that I wasn’t working towards it. I didn’t even know it existed. One day out of the blue, a friend said she wanted to nominate me. I didn’t expect to win. I thought what in the world prompted this? I’m not even in the big picture of things. So even though I was grateful and humbled, at the same time I was quite amazed. I guess the feeling I’ve been dealing with ever since is a very low, almost depressing feeling. I’m generally a happy person! It doesn’t make any sense to me.
About three months ago, a gal (an acquaintance) and I started a conversation that led into quite a horrible interaction. Of course, I leaned on my facilitating skills, listened, and didn’t take anything she said personally. Even though I felt calm inside, I knew she was saying some things that weren’t very nice. During the conversation I felt okay. It was after I finally left the place and thought about what happened, that I began to wonder why did this negative interaction with someone I don’t even know happen? It just so happened after that I did two months of renovation on my home. So that kept me away. Then I went on a trip out of town. I’ve only seen this gal from across the room a couple of times since. I decided to be myself and laugh with my friends as if nothing happened. But for some reason, I feel bad about the experience whenever I see this gal. It occurred to that even though I have forgiven myself for anything that I may have done or said during the conversation, doesn’t mean I can forget it. The one thing I got from this experience is that I know not to pursue any kind of relationship with this person. But why wasn’t it just enough to see her from across the room and know from hearing her talk with other people that she was someone I didn’t want in my support system? Because that’s exactly what I thought the very first time I heard her speak before we really met enough to have a conversation. I already knew she wasn’t a very pleasant person. So what was I doing in a conversation with her? I guess I needed to be reminded of that lesson. Sometimes I just feel sick about it. What happened to the law of attraction? It just seems like the last several months it has gone out the window. I’m attracting negativity for someone who is positive most of the time. I simply don’t feel any joy. I have so much that I’m grateful for, lots of love, etc., etc. I just don’t feel worthy for some reason. I didn’t feel this way last year. So I don’t understand what’s different this year.
One pattern I’ve seen this year is that I’ve been meeting people who I don’t want to be around with. Then the next thing I know they’re in my life somehow. It’s like the law of attraction is no longer working, except in the opposite way. What am I doing wrong or not doing? It’s about the craziest thing I’ve observed in years. The one thing that has helped me get through this mess is my facilitating training. I just listen most of the time. But, I’m not having any fun. I feel like it’s a chore. The reason why these people are around me all the time is because I’m not alone. My husband and I visit this place where these people are. And, of course, these people love my husband. So there I am. Placed in the middle of it all. It’s just one of those things i’ve found myself in and can’t seem to find a way out. Of course, I turn on my smile and sound polite, but that just seems to make these people want to be friendlier with me. So I guess it’s my positive smile that’s attracting to them. So I just listen.
I think I rant and raved long enough. Thank you for your time in reading this long message. The best part of your article is they’re telling their story. I know when I listen it’s all about them. But I guess I hadn’t really thought about it that way. So, yes, I do feel a little better just thinking that the gal was only telling her story. Thank you for that. Stories are good. Take care. Rosella Young, AA-1 Designs
You have a great deal of insight, Bonnie. I am reminded of the saying “Hurting people …. hurt people.” I agree that we can show kindness without letting the negativity influence out own attitudes.
Excellent post!
I’m going to use the line “you will not take away my inner calm” when dealing with my current irritant (unrelated to my post of today!) Actually, everything you mention in this piece I can work on with this particular person. She’s a bit older than I am and lives alone, so I take that into account at times, too. But I’ve always said there is no room for being rude. Love this!
I find the only thing that works with these sort of folks is to limit our engagement. If they are clients, then they are limited to 30 minutes of my time- and then I must move on. That’s about my limit. Others, those that require chunks of time, are limited to a few hours- but only once every two weeks or a month. I actually try to meet them in neutral territory (neither my nor their offices), so that there is a natural capability to add others to the discussion, after this time period.
I have worked hard to insure that these folks don’t permeate our ranks… we had our ‘unfair’ share years ago…
Love the emotional vampire moniker. We have a non-politically correct term that is employed in our firm that is as graphic, but not for public consumption. (Similar to the term used years ago, Gomer, Get out of my emergency room (oh, well, another time, another place…)
Negative people are telling their story for sure, I just stay away from those I don’t want to hear. I have been learning to hold my own energy from one of my clients – Suzanne at Heavenly Vibrations
Amen!