Over the years I have had people treat me badly..I mean who hasn’t right?
Yup, there have been real jerks in my life. I’m not talking about someone who says something out of turn or goofs up..I’m talking about the people who treat everyone poorly.
We can go on and on about why they might do things like talk down, mean comments, manipulating, self involved…BUT that’s not the point of this blog.
It was only recently I had this conversation with someone once again. I mentioned that I was grateful for the jerks in my life and then had to explain why. Let me tell you when you say something like that people look at you funny. Okay they look at you like you’re nutty. Which I am..but not about this.
Here’s the thing; I am grateful for what they taught me by being in my life…not so much for them treating me badly. Making more sense now?
Early on the lessons were pretty simple. Don’t fall for that, and don’t let people walk all over you. Have some self-respect and you’ll do fine.
The lesson in recent years I have been given has been a bit harder to take and far more important.
So what is the big lesson that I had to learn? The most important thing, the one thing that let me release so much bitterness and hurt was this.
Their stuff is their stuff…not mine.
Sounds silly and simple but I promise you that it is incredibly powerful.
I am not responsible for other people’s reactions, enjoyment, hate or love. I am only responsible for my own.
If someone can’t connect with me, my journey or what I am doing, then they are just not in the same place as me for whatever reason. That’s not for me to decide.
I am however, completely and utterly responsible for who I am, how I live my life and the legacy I leave behind. How everyone else perceives it is not my issue.
You can’t imagine how much of a shift in my life this has created. I am no longer willing to feel shame when others judgements fall on me. Instead, I give that back to the person it comes from and realize that this judgment is theirs to own…not mine. I remind myself that if someone remarks on my life path, on my journey that this is coming from their soul and issues..not mine.
When we allow opinions and demands put upon us to direct our life we live small, we limit our light. We can’t be who we really are. And this goes for the good and bad.
I had this issue when I first started coaching. A number of people let me know how great I was at helping them with their business start-up. Oh sure, I had loads of info from all the experience, research and classes I took in order to do it myself. I was feeling like I ‘should’ head into business coaching. I was good at it. Problem was I wasn’t feeling it in my heart of hearts. I loved the part where I helped people find their passion in business, to find direction and problem solve but beyond that I wasn’t all that ‘into’ it.
People who cared about me mentioned how much easier it would be to find clients and make more money. Perhaps I ‘should’ I thought. It took a lot of soul-searching and strength to stand in my truth and say this isn’t where I am meant to go. I have something else in mind; this was made even harder to do because I was still searching out my own plan. I just knew that business start-ups weren’t quite ‘it’. Gotta watch out for those ‘shoulds’.
Allowing other people’s stuff to hold us hostage in our own lives only holds us back and holds us down. Gently refuse to allow this type of energy into your life, let them own it for themselves and keep on being you…you know..fabulous!
You’re right…all of us have had to deal with jerks. Your blog post made me realize that I’ve learned more from jerks than I thought. What I’ve learned most is to keep jerks out of my life and carefully choose the people I surround myself with.
Hi Lisa, Yes! Learning what we don’t want in our lives is almost as important as learning what we do want.
First off – it’s great to meet you, Bonnie!
And – such wonderful thoughts here today. It reminds me of a book I’ve read (and re-read several times) – “The Four Agreements”, by don Miguel Ruiz. The agreement which has the most meaning for me (and relates to what you’ve shared today), is:
Don’t take anything personally:
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
This has had such a large impact in my life – and in how I view the world (and in such a positive way).
Peace,
Lance
Hi Lance! Great to meet you too my friend.
I have heard a lot of great things about this book and in fact interviewed Roberta Budvietas on that subject and her extra secret! Good stuff.
I’m not sure we can ever be totally immune to what others think…after all the human race is made up of social beings. That begins of course the question of who do you listen to, how much should you care?
The short answer is everyone and caring only to the point where you learn to evaluate what others think based on your own values system.
Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!
blessings,
Bonnie
When you need to learn the teacher comes and even the jerks teach you something about yourself because learning is what you do rather than what another person does to you
The power of knowing that other people’s stuff is only what will turn our focus, and not for the better. Loved your story Bonnie and it is a tremendous reminder. I agree, I too have learned so much from those that want to bring you down or dwell on their drama.
I think it goes back to surrounding yourself with positive people, like minded but yet also those that can challenge you in a constructive way. The empowerment of finding your strength, great message Bonnie!
As a recovering co-dependent, this is something I always need to keep foremost in my mind. It’s so easy to fall prey to the jerks, who clearly need something…
http://wp.me/p1jCKo-jS Gave you a well deserved award
You honor me Stuart! Thank you!
Oh how I agree, Bonnie! As far as the jerks, I thank God for them every day… they helped to shape the wonderful and easy-going person I am today. As for the biz part, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that so many are willing to tell you what you should be doing… look at what others are doing, but yet, stand out in the crowd. Well, someone had to be first in what they are doing… no one invented the small engine before… no one created a computer that reached world-wide proportions… do what’s already been done! Stick to your guns.. you are unique in what you have to offer… it’s why people are drawn to you rather than Tom, Dick, or Harrietta! Guess I’m passionate about this… I’m with you all the way!
Tom, Dick or Harietta…LOVE that! You know sometimes when you are still a bit muddled around where you are going next it is hard to tune out the voices of those who care. Tricky but the key is have the courage to believe in yourself isn’t it?
It’s so true, Bonnie, the moment we take responsibility for ourselves, and relinquish the control and responsibility we may love to have on others – we instantaneously lift loads of emotional baggage off ourselves. We certainly can’t change or control other people – that’s for sure – and accepting that the people that enter our lives serve their own purpose – whether they are in our inner circle, or we try to keep them as far as we can without them actually noticing 😀 – each of them are major characters, meant to play their roles in our stories. Being a writer, if you’re anything like me, you sometimes wish you could rewrite difficult people’s roles in the story; but I believe what we would quickly realize, is that our story would not be the same, if just one of the characters were missing from it. Tony Robbins said not to long ago on one of Oprah’s Life Classes, “There are two kinds of people that enter our life. Those that will enter it for a reason, and those who are meant only to be a lesson.”
I’ve gotten 100% better, becoming a lot more mindful of the energy I keep around me. At this point in my, as temporary as I believe it will be, it’s usually just me and my partner. However, I’m not being tolerated, talked down to, talked about negatively, depress, or no longer angry. Sure, it gets lonely from time to time, but I’d rather be lonely sometimes, at peace most of the time, and as happy as I choose to be – than to allow someone who is fighting a battle with themselves into my life, and who insist on pulling me in a fight I have no intentions of fighting. “Oh No mam, I’m a lover, not a fighter.” 😀 Like you have shared here, I’ve taken my fabulousness, back. It’s mine, and I own it. 😉
You are fabulous Deeone! No doubt about that. You know, I think we sometimes go into a place of solitude because we have to in order to gather our strength, heal and finish solidifying what we believe. I have been through that and I always liken it to how an animal will hide to lick it’s wounds. We just need that time and if you need it..take it! You are so lucky to have Tim to share this journey with…as I have felt lucky to have friends like you to share it with.
Our story is really the only one we get to write. Sometimes though we get to play a part in someone elses that changes their plot..maybe not today but eventually.