It seems that I have noticed an interesting turn of events in my self these days. When I was younger..say teens or so, I was as open as they come. I had little in the way of preferences and was excited about experiencing all that life had to offer. I rarely looked to see what the Jones were doing except to see if it looked like fun..keeping up wasn’t even in the picture. I was very content with who I was, what I had and where I was.
Later on I went through a phase of being very comparative. I wouldn’t say I was overly dramatic about it but I wondered why I wasn’t on the same path as others who seemed so happy. I would compare where I was to people I knew. Sometimes I was fine, other times I started to think I should hurry up and ..well I never quite knew what came next. Keeping up with the Jones seemed smart, but didn’t fit. I was often very conflicted.
These days I’m a little more selective about the things I put my energy into. Perhaps I’m getting older and I hope a little wiser.
What I’ve discovered is layered. First, I realized now that outward appearances of happiness are not always the truth. Comparing your life with a facade is pointless. Most of the time you feel like you lose out in that one.
I also realized that another’s truth and happiness can be exactly replicated but will not necessarily provide the same results for me. Not an easy lesson to learn, but one that was hard-won. I still struggle with this one at times.
I’ve also finally been able to accept that I am not meant for a life of putting down roots; at least not just yet. My sisters have families, children and the house with a yard. At times I envy them. They seem so content and sure of what they’ve chosen. They appear to know where they are headed and what comes next. Still, I get restless just picturing myself there! Not that I wouldn’t love a home with a yard…someday.
My mother once told me just before I got in my car for yet another adventure, that I must have inherited some gypsy blood. I took that as a compliment. I suppose I’m still trying to ‘find’ myself or perhaps simply find my place in this world. I just see a wide open landscape ready to be explored. That is what draws me in.
Not following the norm has become not only okay, but something I learned to take some pride in. I’ve realized that it is part of my life’s journey. I am not fighting that any longer and I think I’ve stopped comparing (for the most part anyway) my life to others.
It’s often a bit of a hard thing to explain, especially to family who don’t understand, but I have learned I should follow my own heart and path. I have faith it’s leading me somewhere wonderful. Of course a memo or something on where we’re headed wouldn’t hurt either lol.