Be kind or be quiet

Ooh..I haven’t had a good rant for a while.

I’m not sure what’s been going on lately, but boy I’m getting tired of people who act like they are a victim in order to be horrible to others.  Justifying your crappy behaviour by acting like you have it so hard or that you are so much better or smarter or whatever and are trying to ‘help’  doesn’t make it any better.  It just doesn’t.

I know, I know…some of you might be saying “that’s what you see if you spend enough time on the internet”.  I wish it was just some crazy post on the net.  While that might be true I haven’t seen this many people unable to ‘hear’ themselves for some time both on and off line.

The nice girl part of me wants to apologise for this rant but I’m not going to.  It’s probably going to stir up some uncomfortable feelings for a few people and that’s good in my opinion. All I ask is that you try to hear the message.  

I’m fed up with folks who call out others for ‘picking on them’ and in the same breath try to knock down someone else.  Really?  Listen to your self!  I’ve had too many examples of this lately I don’t even know where to start.  

I suppose a perfect example of this is what a few of my friends have posted on Facebook.  Fox had some of its newscasters bash and mock Wiccan and Pagan religion.  (You can see the video here) In the same breath the female reporter complains that she isn’t supposed to say Merry Christmas and infers at the plight of Christians.   Sigh.   I have to say I was aghast that these people were not taken to task by the network, but more importantly I was flabbergasted that they couldn’t see the conflict in what they were saying. 

Or the case of listening to some adults make fun of a woman and her child because their clothes were worn and outdated.  I kid you not.  And in the same breath these women complain that they have such a hard time keeping up with their own childrens’ clothing wants.  I’m pretty sure they saw me looking at them in confusion.  Guess who is making that trendy clothing thing an issue?  

And this sort of thing has happened a fair bit lately.  Or maybe I’m just aware of it?  I’m not sure, but it’s really bugging me.

You know it’s like when people say ‘No offense but…” and then they are really offensive?  But think it’s okay because they qualified it with ‘no offense’.   For the record…It Isn’t Okay!

Aggg!  I get so frustrated when I see people so afraid that they might be diminished if someone else is able to hold their own differeing thoughts, opinions and beliefs.  Truly if yours are so shaky they can’t handle it perhaps you need to look at that.  If you feel so afraid to be the real you that you must cover it all up with “I’m a victim” and nastiness perhaps it’s time to look in the mirror and decide what it is you want to see.

Reminds me of the kid who isn’t winning and so takes his ball and goes home in a huff.   Belief systems, opinions, ideas are not about winning. 

Or the adult who says “but I only stated the truth” when saying something that is out of line or harsh and un-needed.  Please, there is truth and there is pointedly trying to seem better than everyone and make someone feel like crap.  Yes you are entitled to your opinion…but you can keep it to yourself.  My grandmother used to say be kind or be quiet.

To tear down another person does not elevate you.   It never has and never will.   Be it about what someone is wearing, their faith, their job or whatever.  Listen to what you are saying!

You know you can either give someone and hand up if you have the resources, or you can give them a push up if you only have love to offer.  Both of those things lift everyone up and the world gets better.  Rip them down and the word of hurt you are creating is the same one you have to live in.  Choose.

Ending rant here.   

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Being right can be wrong

Okay, I’m slapping my own hand (metaphorically speaking) today.  I’ve noticed I am slipping into old habits. I could blame stress and the upheaval that happened around here the last couple of months but instead I’m going to step up and take responsibility for the slide.

You see, as I grew up, I was taught via example that it’s really, really important to be right.  In fact be right at all costs..heck be right even if you find out later that you are not.  I don’t want to drag up old issues or upset anyone today, so I’ll leave that as being what it is. 

 Are you sitting down because what I’m about to reveal may shock you. 

I discovered that this is wrong. 

Sometimes (seriously..sit down for this) it is very possible, and perfectly okay for two people to disagree and BOTH parties to actually be right.  No kidding.  Honestly, it’s true. 

Now getting people to understand and respect that is a whole other issue.  It took me a long time to shift my internal belief system to letting go and being okay with this.  In fact, sometimes there isn’t just a right or wrong answer.  Most of the time there are many more options. 

It’s not easy to understand until you begin to live it that your idea may not be the only ‘good’ one or ‘right’ one.  I had to learn that it doesn’t diminish who I am to accept others viewpoints as being just as valid as mine.  I also had to learn that I can still keep mine in the process. 

Okay..ready for another one?

A lot of the time, being right isn’t nearly as important as being loving, respectful and happy.  In the bigger scheme of things who wrote that book or starred in that movie are not things that are important.  Certainly not worth wasting time having a freakin argument, cold shoulder and unhappy energy about now is it?  Seriously..who cares really?  My response is usually non-committal and to let it go.  Not worth the energy it would take to be ‘right’ in a case like this.

Sure you can insist you are right and you can even PROVE it.  So what? What are you really doing?  How are you really treating the person you’re talking to? Is that loving intent? Think about it. What should be more important?

One more for today and then I will look forward to your comments!

What the heck is so freakin bad/scary/horrible about being wrong?  I know lately I’ve slipped back into fear mode about feeling wrong.  (hence the hand slapping I mentioned earlier). I’ve been stretching my own self and that is hard enough so I’ve gone into old habits of being defensively ‘right’.   I’ve really been thinking and meditating on this one.  I know it brings a physical response that is uncomfortable.  It can be embarrassing true…but there is something even deeper than that. I have some ideas that I’ll talk about in my next post, but I’d love to hear your thoughts first.  In fact, I may include them in my next post (credit of course!).

I know there is a lot to think about and dwell on here but I want to leave you with one final thought…or affirmation.  This is the one I’m working with today.

“Right or wrong, I am always loved and I am always enough”

And so are you my friends

 

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Smiles: Free and yet Priceless

Smiles, the free and yet priceless commodity that never runs out, almost always pays terrific returns.

A smile can have huge impact. I was reminded of this when reading through the notes a few of the children who were visiting from Korea left for me.

Now, it was written with some ‘creative’ grammar and such but basically the comment went something like “I am glad you were my teacher because you smiled at me a lot and that made missing my family better”.

I remember very well the scared looks the students had. They tried hard to show bravado when friends were around but I read their journals. When they were alone they hurt, they were scared and they were lonely. Many cried at night but didn’t really want anyone to know.

We could barely communicate through words some of the time. They learned a great deal of English during our time together. I learned the power of a smile.

A smile can heal; it can make someone’s really bad day better; it can boost courage. It costs nothing. I had no idea the impact my smiling was making on this young child.

I wonder how many times we’ve randomly smiled at someone and changed a moment, a day or who knows? Maybe even a life.

I know there have been very difficult times in my life that would have welcomed a smile; many times that I did and it made such a difference. Interestingly enough smiling also has benefits for the person doing the smiling too. It boosts your own mood and your self-confidence. Go on..try to stay grumpy with a smile (yes, even a fake one) on your face. Your brain just can’t do it!

Can you think of a time when a simple smile changed something for you?

I challenge you today to give away some of your smiles. Give them to perfect strangers, give them to your children; but give as many away as you can. Wonder at the resulting impact that you may never know. Those ripples may move mountains someday or simply move a heart.

Can you do that?

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Hands are for helping

Hands are for Helping.

I have spoken these works to more kids than I can count.  It’s one of those platitudes we tell them to reinforce the idea to use words, not Lego blocks to solve problems.  It works pretty well actually.

As an adult I can tell you this still applies.  Lego blocks and Tonka trucks rarely solve problems.  The thing is we can also look at this as a more abstract thought and application.

Our kindnesses, cruelties,  moments taken before lashing out, thoughtful gestures  and words are all like invisible hands that touch our hearts and souls.  We use these to hurt, help or heal just we do our physical ones. 

Our invisible hands should also be for helping.  We reach out and touch others through so much of what we do it’s incredible. Often we don’t even realize how much impact we have.  We might never consider actually punching someone in the face, but we deem it okay to use words to take them down.  As if somehow that’s better.  Honestly..I think it’s worse.

So, we’ve got these physical hands and by adulthood most of us know the rules and understand how to use them effectively.  Our invisible hands tend to go a little more undetected and used more liberally and the rules to live by are not quite as black and white.  Our impact is harder to see.  This needs to change.  We need to be aware of how we touch others both phycially and otherwise.

I like the saying that we ought to offer a hand up instead of a hand out as well.  I think I can see this applying to our ‘other’ hands.  What do you think?

 

 

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Grilling, not just for the BBQ!

Grilling may not be just for the BBQ but it should be left there if you want to have clear and positive communication.

I imagine most of us this type of conversation in terms of police/suspect or something of that sort of James Bond type of situation.  Not so!

The fact is most people feel defensive when questioned.  Even when the questions seem rather harmless like ‘what do you want to do today?”  It’s just in our nature and we can debate why this is so (oh there’s the nature vs nurture argument again!) but the point is we don’t have to let this innocuous way of talking create problems.

The cure?  The ‘I’ statements.  Honest, it really works and just about any question can be turned into one.  Instead of “why don’t you just….”; you can easily switch it up to something like “I’d really like it if you would…” 

Try this today.  Make an effort to switch it up and use at least 5 of these ‘I’ statements and see how it diffuses situations that could possibly build to bad feelings.  Let me know how it goes!

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